Today I found I was really dragging myself through the day. I would say this is a semi-common experience for me within my life within and as my current accepted and allowed version of myself.
So I have been working on this project at work where I am now into my 3rd week of doing literally the same point everyday.
What is interesting is that I have been resisting actually starting my new project where I have rather decided to just stick with this one project instead of directing myself to get my other project going, and so now as a consequence I am faced with the point of going to work each day and repeating the same actions that I have been doing for the past 2 weeks where I could have actually started my new project where I could switch up and from time to time work on my new project to alleviate the process of having to repeat the same exact point over and over and over again which can at times become a bit ‘trying’ where its like I really have to will myself to walk it because I have been doing this for so long now.
So I see I have created this point for myself by allowing myself to be directed by fear. The point is – to start my new project I require to move/direct a few points, one of them being getting my project ‘set-up’ which actually requires me to ask assistance from one of the other workers in my area which I am really really avoiding doing.
I have this perception that the guy I will ask will be annoyed with me for asking him, and so I have resisted going over and asking for assistance because I just want to avoid that point of him reacting/getting annoyed, and so rather than face that, I just ignored and postpone setting up my new project (making it seem like I am busy with other stuff) and now thus here I am in the experience of ‘dragging myself through my day’ at work because of being stuck on this other project where I must repeat the same action all day long over and over and over, which after a couple weeks requires a little more will to actually ‘get into’ and ‘stay engaged with’
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear to direct me within my life where in this I end up compromising myself within my daily practical application where in I am not directing the points that would actually be more supportive for me in terms of actually being Effective with my practical living application, where I am not directing/moving/engaging in these points because of initially having to face/walk through some resistance/fears to getting these points moving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking the guys at my job site for help because I fear they will be annoyed with me and thus here I fear the reaction I will cause within them, because I do not want to be the one that make them upset, irritated, disgruntled in any way, and so I avoid asking for help, even though I actually need it quite a bit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated with ‘y’ for leaving me in a position where I now must ask for help from someone who’s not responsible for helping me/us out with our stuff, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with frustration within myself towards ‘y’ instead of realizing that my frustration is actually coming from my own reactions to asking for assistance where if I had no reaction at all, I would not have this frustration towards ‘y’ who I am, in my frustration towards ‘y’ blaming them for the experience/reaction I am now finding myself within, instead of realizing my responsibility towards myself and the reaction/ experience I am in fact having towards asking for assistance. Thus it has nothing to do with ‘y’ what so ever so all my back-chat and reactions towards ‘y’ is just excuses and justifications avoiding the actual point which is my own reaction I am having towards ‘asking others for assistance’ that is the real point I actually must face/direct/sort out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear asking for assistance from the other guys at my job site because our world works with Money, and no body in this world, in this system, does anybody any favors because time is money, so you cannot just ask someone for help, that is like asking for money and so I fear this, due to how I have come to experience myself within this world, where time is precious for everyone and so would just assume that they would not want to help, because likely they are at work too, and have things to do, and so basically I am now ‘adding onto’ their day, and basically here I have constructed this entire reasoning within my mind related towards asking these guys for help, where in this I created a resistance within myself instead of just going and asking and walking the point in real time instead of walking it within my mind in the dimensions of the mind, which may or may not be how the point will play out in reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear in my mind and then allow that fear to direct me
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed the perceptions and impressions that I create within my mind direct me in my reality, essentially becoming ‘more than’ the Actual Physical Reality that’s here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the being I must ask for help, will get mad at me, and be annoyed with me, because time is money, and no body wants to help, and so here have placed my own expectations of who this being is, and how they will react, onto this being and then basing then what I do on my expectations that I have created about this being.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘A’ reacting in anger or irritation because I don’t want to be the one to cause this within them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will cause ‘a’ to react in anger or irritation, and so end up compromising myself in my reality because I just don’t want to get anyone else involved in my reality because’ its not their responsibility’ and so then I just end up trying to do everything myself where I also end up being completely stuck when I am faced with a point that I cannot actually do on my own, where even then I will still resist and avoid asking for help. Not because I do not want help, but because I don’t want to ‘inconvenience’ someone else, because if I do that, then they might react/get angry or irritated with me which I fear, I fear that point of conflict, I fear that/those moments where I cause a reaction in another being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct and assertive but that I’d rather tip-toe through this world trying not to bother anyone or ruffle any feathers or cause any of even the slightest reactions in anyone, and in this have compromised myself in my life within my movement in this System because what I have noticed is that often you have those that are not afraid to be direct and assertive being more effective and getting what they want more than those who simply sit in the background not wanting influence anyone or potentially mistakenly step on someones toes, metaphorically speaking, as they engage in reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the background of life where I really avoid confronting anyone within this world, and so just move through my life almost in a way that is invisible from the perspective of not really engaging much with others because I fear the conflict that comes from interacting with other beings, and so I extensively limit my interaction with other beings, and thus extensively limit my interaction and engagement within the world/system.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to work with the point of being more engaged and active and assertive within my life where I direct/push myself to ‘put myself out there’ essentially standing in what is to me ‘the conflict zone’ which is where I am engaging in my reality with other beings and so here no more accepting and allowing myself to take a passive standpoint to navigating my life/reality which I see has actually compromised my effectiveness extensively in my life because I will actually avoid people particularly where there is any kind of resistance towards them what so ever, which I see is actually also often my very first experience towards others. And so,
I commit myself to when and as I see myself avoiding someone or avoiding doing something because this would entail facing a point of resistance I have towards facing people which is also the point of facing conflict because to me people=conflict, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this ‘approach’ has compromised me in my effectiveness within this system/world extensively because I never form any relationships with anybody and thus just try and do everything myself/alone which is difficult in a system where when one is able to form relationships effectively and manage those relationships they are much more effective because NO MAN IS AN ISLAND, and so those that are willing to form and manage relationships perform much better. So I see this dynamic and how/why I have struggled to ‘do anything with my life’ even with something like for instance my art – because I will never go to the stage of movement with this/a point that requires RELATIONSHIPS but only ever exist within the stage of where I am able to ‘do it alone’ because I fear/resist working with others. which is related to a ‘fear of conflict’ and so I have compromised myself in this world, and essentially made it more difficult for myself because now I must figure out how to exist, not only where I do everything without asking for anyone’s help, but also where I actually GO OUT OF MY WAY to Avoid seeing/coming into contact/ facing some people. And so here,
I commit myself to move/direct myself to face my resistance/avoidance of people and here assist and support myself to engage with beings on a Daily Basis, meaning to where I actually move myself to when I see myself going into avoidance to direct myself to actually engage instead and pushing myself initially here to no more accept and allow myself to avoid people but to slowly and surely step by step move myself into an application of actually engaging with and establishing multiple effective and stable relationships within my life as I see that this is absolutely necessary for me to be effective in the system, and I recognize that me not doing this has really worked against me within my life in and as my effectiveness in this system. And so here I commit myself to work with this point and assist and support myself to Change who I am as this “fear of people” and ‘fear of conflict” point which result in a ‘Passive Character’ that do not ever engage the world, and so here am moving myself to change this part of ‘who I am’ so that I am more engaged, direct, assertive and Visible.
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