I remember one of the first major reactions I had to art was when I was in grade 5. So I would have been around 10 or 11. I was on the school bus and I saw some drawings by a boy that was in one grade before me. I completely reacted. I started to panic in a way and was thinking “oh no his drawings are better than mine” this fear and anxiety came up into my chest. I felt so terrible. One of the reasons was because he was one year younger than me which implied that I was ‘behind’. The ‘idea’ that I was busy creating about myself suddenly was challenged by this new information. My master plan was at risk! This is showing how already at that age I had developed an awareness within me towards my Art in relation to my peers, where I was already busy establishing myself as “the best” or ‘better than’ the other kids, and so when I saw these drawings by this other kid on the bus that day I was quite shocked. It was like my foundation had been pulled out from beneath me. The foundation that I had built/constructed within myself upon which I based my worthiness, thus showing here also how during that time I was busy with constructing my worthiness where art became the point I used to do this, due to the fact that I was more effective at this skill. And so here I was busy constructing ‘myself’ from the starting point of attempting to make ‘a better’ ‘the best’ Character/Personality that will be the Winner that everyone look up to. But when I saw those drawings that day, I went into a point of inferiority. Inadequacy.
They were drawings of dinosaurs. So I then took it upon myself to also draw dinosaurs. Which was quite fun. I mean I thought his drawings were good, so I started to do that as well. Its like in this moment I was defining my ‘Art Value Scale’. Which in this moment integrated into it these simple line drawings of dinosaurs done in pencil.
Also cool was
Drawings of motor cross equipment like bike helmets that included things like skulls.
Ninja’s stabbing/fighting/killing each other
I remember I was quite intrigued by my fathers drawings that he showed me that he did when he was young. I thought they were really good. I also remember my father used to doodle on paper with a blue pen when he would talk on the phone. I remember I was also ‘captured’ by these drawings. The way the shading was, it was astounding to me.
At the age of 10 or 11 I wasn’t so much influenced by famous art or artists. I actually had no awareness…or very little of that what so ever.
The first famous artist that I liked was Robert Bateman – he was a wildlife artist. So I started copying his paintings and drawing my own wildlife.
But the point I’d like to emphasize in this blog is the apparent ‘VALUE’ that I had started to attach to myself already by the age of 10 on account of my abilities in art. And yes, this particular memory where my world fell apart in a single moment when I saw these drawings by this other younger boy, which I thought were better than mine. I mean the point was – He was/is better than I was when I was his age. Strange how I could be so young, yet already established and was building and constructing a personality through by which to achieve the greatest possible value for myself within the context of the mind/ego as specialness, as Winning, as being the BEST at something.
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