I am beginning here to have a look at the Paranoia I have created within myself around the point of Art. I have done much writing about this point previously however I see that my paranoia around this point is still quite extensive and deeply ingrained in where I haven’t actually cleared this paranoia at all from within and as myself, as it still come up quite prominently within and as various dimensions and influence me within my application of when I am participating with the point of Art.
The first point/dimension of paranoia around the point of art that I am going to look at is the point of ‘Judgement’, particularly SELF Judgement where I have approached art from the starting point of ‘judgement’ where some is ‘good’ and some is ‘bad’. I do this in relation to ALL art, though specifically here I am going to explore my own Judgements I have towards my own art, that obviously yes, is an outflow of placing my own art within the values scale I have established within myself in relation to art which include all the art that I have seen in my life time through which I compare myself/my own art to where my art at this point is existing within a comparative structure and so thus existing within a specific value/energy of positive/negative energy that I have assigned to it based on the criteria that I have established within and as my ‘Art Value Scale’.
I have decided to look at this point first as I have noticed this point coming up recently in quite a prominent way within myself within my application of art where my Judgements towards my art ends up triggering/creating a kind of ‘energy experience’ that completely possesses me and takes over where for instance yesterday my entire day was quite fucked up as a result of this Self Judgement towards my Art where a State of Paranoia is triggered through by judging the artwork I am working on. So here I am going to assist and support myself to ‘Clear Myself’ within this point, to deconstruct and remove the entire ‘Art Paranoia System’ that I have constructed within and as myself/my mind so to walk myself back to a point of innocence within this point.
“Stopping Art – Not the Solution, because it’s not the art in itself that’s the problem, but who you are within it. So, be your own canvas – see what paranoia you have painted in your mind that possess you during painting, paint a blank slate through writing, forgiveness, commitments and then within the corrective application, repaint your canvas/starting point as relationship to art”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define my art within the context of ‘Self Judgement’ within the context of good or bad, positive or negative, successful, unsuccessful/failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach art, and particularly my art from the starting point of ‘what is good and what is not good’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always look at my art through the eyes of my self created art value system, in this desperately trying to WIN, to Achieve success and ultimately fulfilment.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is always ‘what is good’ and ‘what is bad’ where even as a child I would ‘separate’ myself from the other kids within the context of ART where in this I derived some Value for myself as me being ‘more’ than the other Kids because I was ‘Good’ at art, and that I believed that this made me better, and more than others, that this made me have more value than the other kids, of course as long as one approached ‘Life’ within the context where ‘ART’ was seen as something valuable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as better than the other kids because I noticed that I had a particular skill in art that was what I perceived as ‘more refined’ and simply put – better than the other kids, where In this I took myself away from the point of equality where Equality was never the starting point, the ‘goal’ but rather differentiating myself from others and standing out from the group was my goal, even all ready around the age of 8 to 10 where I started noticing this ‘talent’ that I had in art.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place ‘Art’ within the framework of Survival of the Fittest and Competition instead of Equality where I have in this programmed myself to have approached and existed within the context of art in a way where ‘I become more’ than others instead of Aligning myself within the context of Equality as LIFE, LIFE that is Equal as the Source of each one/all that exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach art/my art from the starting point of needing to feel either good or bad about it where I am always in judgement of my art as it being either good or bad, and extending from this ME being either good or bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the energetic experience I get from my art as valuable/important where I use this as a way to define myself, so in having giving this value, I end up focusing on my Self Judgement as the judgement of my art and the negative or positive experience that come from this where the goal is to create a positive experience and avoid negative experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be conservative within my approach to art because ‘Id rather not risk’ messing up or making a mistake and creating a negative experience within myself, and so I just ‘play it safe’ staying within the parameters of what I have defined and found to I have set-up where I would define my Art as good or successful, and so I just stick to that structure, like shooting a basketball where you just try and get the ball in the hoop where the same is with the art its like I am aiming at that particular point which I have set-up as being that which I if I reach/hit will produce that positive experience within me as ‘hitting this mark’ would indicate I have made “a good work of art” and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to LIMIT myself as an Artists, as a being expressing, to this structure of what is good and what is bad, and in this not actually existing at all within a point of simply expressing myself unconditionally, like a child that is given paints for the first time, before the ‘this is good, this is bad’ sets-in as we have trained this into our current way of living/existing as LIFE as if “it is normal” not ever stopping to question our Life of Judgement of Good and Bad with which we are constantly trying to fit ourselves into this where eventually as Adults we become totally possessed by this existing in complete paranoia of positive and negative value created within the mind/self. Essentially attempting to Create ourselves as WORTHY which imply lack to begin with.
I will continue with this point in my next blog.
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