I was again quite tired this morning. This has now been 2 days in a row where I have been more tired in the mornings.
I have been working on finishing off as well as starting some new projects at work so this as been a bit of a bumpy ride as I am moving from one point to the other.
I was ‘not really into’ the project that I was working on this morning. I noticed myself existing in a very specific “not caring” Character that was here today, particularly in the morning and also it was here yesterday. Today I was supposed to assist another person at work and so I see that I was reacting to that because to do this I must step outside of my comfort zone. So then I go into a reaction and try and justify the reaction of ‘resistance’ to doing this where what I am seeing is that I am simply just not wanting to step out of my comfort zone and actually work on a different project.
So I had more resistance today going to work than previously and I see that the resistance was specifically related to this point of ‘working with this other person on their project’
It is important for me to identify such points and make sure that I am not justifying such resistances, but rather assisting and supporting myself to walk through them and face them and actually Expand myself.
So the person I was supposed to work with ended up not being there and so I started working on a different project. But I could see that I was “in this Character’ of not caring and being more reckless, like I was not taking my time and being deliberate in my movements.
I would for instance grab something but end up knocking something else over in the process but not caring at all and so just kind of in a way doing this deliberately, or at least deliberately NOT STOPPING myself.
An aspect of this has to do with ‘Time’. I mean everything in this world operate on time. And the other night I was discussing on some points related to Art and afterwards I became frustrated within myself where “I wanted to blame time” The specific words – “I don’t have enough time” in this case to make my project effective and immaculate.
So today again I was in ‘rush mode’. I have been in this mode before, particularly when I am at work. I mean my entire demeanor and behaviour is completely different when I am at work or ‘on the clock’ vs when I am ‘off the clock’ particularly when I am working for someone else, as my ‘Character of me at work’ is based on my Idea, and perception of ‘what the boss wants me to’ And so today I could see I was in this ‘rush mode’ but even today it was more deliberate and abrasive. Interesting, I have herd this word being used in my environment lately, so now it comes out here. Abrasive, yes, I was being abrasive today, more pushing through my physical environment instead of being here and walking through it within a point of equality.
This also relates to how I experiencing myself within my days where allot of the time I am just ‘burning through everything’ weather that being preparing myself a bowl of cereal, or driving somewhere to get something, or at work, or cleaning up, or putting my shoes on, or taking a shower, I mean its like I am just really rushing through everything just trying to get things done and complete and on to the next thing so that I can get everything done that I have put on my plate for the day.
But today and yesterday I found this point to be more pronounced, like I was quick to react and irritated and angered quickly, Like I have not patience for anything and “I don’t care to’. So there is some animosity and anger in there to. Its not just a rushing but a kind of “fuck it – I don’t care” going on as well. Like “fuck it, who cares, let me just get it done” instead of breathing and waking HERE in Self Stability breath by breath being deliberate in each moment and movement.
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