When and as I see myself becoming possessed with a ‘feeling’ like a ‘Drive’ within myself to have my paintings be as good as Claude Monet’s paintings, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this ‘feeling as a drive’ is a point that I accepted and allowed myself to participate with and construct within my past where when my direction in art and in my life was more primarily ‘ego based’ and where I was not yet aware of the mind and energy and my relationship towards it. I realize that my life is much different now and that although Claude Monet’s paintings or anybody else for that matter who’s paintings that I admired and wanted to be equal to in skill and ability, although I can use this as a reference point to improve myself, I must remain Stable within myself within my application within painting and to make sure that it is practical within the context of what I am now walking within my life within the context of assisting and supporting myself to stop my mind system, and also thus the current accepted and allowed world system and to rather establish myself as the directive principle of myself standing, living and existing as an example of Change within the context of what is best for all, thus assisting and supporting also the bringing forth of a world system that is best for all.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to become the Directing Principle of me within the context of my Art so that I no more accept and allow myself to be directed or influenced or moved by ‘emotions and feelings’ that become like points driving me to move myself within my application of painting, but to rather Stabilize myself within my application of painting so that it becomes PRACTICAL and a Supplemental Support to my Overall Process I am busy walking of Establishing myself as my starting point and the directive principle of me within the context of What is Best for ALL within and as Equality and Oneness.
So when I look at this ‘Drive to Excel’ in painting that comes up within me I see it as a kind of possession and an inability to ‘let go’ This point even came up again today, where its like I just want perfection in the point I am working with. And I can see so much room for improvement and the potential within me to walk those improvement points. However what I also see is a disconnection within the point of Self Patience. And also the point of making this point of more value than it actually is, where its like I become obsessed in a way and want to and MUST have it perfect, MUST have it better where its like this urge kind of possess me within myself and compel me and influence me to move myself within my application of painting instead of just being HERE in and as the physical in absolute stability where there is nothing DRIVING me but that I am simply here directing myself within the practical consideration of how to direct myself within painting as a Supplemental Support for my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created within myself as WANT and URGE where things MUST be Perfect or MUST be better where I become possessed with this “Making things better or perfect” particularly within the context of painting where I have in essences become ‘taken over’ by this want and this urge, instead of me being OK with where I am within the point and for instance am able to walk away in one breath from ‘pursuit’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not get my paintings to look a certain way, in comparison to other artists that this someone define who I am, and thus makes me unworthy, or rather that if I do get my paintings to look a specific way in comparison to other artists that this in fact make me worthy, and here have again accepted and allowed myself to participate in a Value System, that I have constructed within the mind where VALUE is something that is Comparative in relation to others, instead of Value being the Value of LIFE within and as Equality and Oneness where ALL LIFE IS EQUAL.
I commit myself to SLOW myself down within application of painting, from the perspective of assisting and supporting myself to regain directive principle of myself within this endeavour no more accepting and allowing myself to be Driven by the Possessed Artist Syndrome where I must paint, I have to, I just have to get better, I have to change it, I cannot handle how it looks now, where its like I become possessed with this entire network of thoughts, back-chats, feelings, energies that I have accepted and allowed myself to MAKE MY DECISIONS FOR ME, instead of me being my Directive Principle when it comes to my application within painting and also my LIFE.
I commit myself to stop ‘giving myself over’ to this obsessive possessed must have perfect, must be better state that I have accepted and allowed myself to create around the point of art, and thus here no more accepting and allowing myself to just go along with this ‘experience’ that comes over me which I have justified as being ‘right’ where I kind of just ‘let myself go’ and go into this experience, into this state of mind, into this State of the Artists where I am not more practically looking at and investigating my reality and the consequences of my application but rather just relinquishing all directive principle to this possessed state of being, not questioning it, just going with it, and believing that “there is some benefit to this.
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