Today there was a discussion on ‘Resonant Possession’ and this related to how one essentially have memories stored within oneself that is activated in relation to particular objects in one environment. The point that came up for me during this discussion is the point of Art and how throughout my life I have essentially stored various memories in relation to this point, that is now activated by various points in my reality where I will ‘feel a certain way or feeling’ because of this.
This is something that I have not delved into yet in terms of taking apart this “Artist Character” that I have constructed through my years of doing art. I have been somewhat aware of this point and have ‘looked at’ certain memories in the past, or have seen experiences coming up within me that I identified as ‘energy’ based on how I had defined myself within the context of art and being an artist and my experience within this, but I have not yet really specifically investigated the ‘Resonant Possession’ taking place in relation to and as this Artist Character, in relation to and as the various memories that I have stored throughout my life within the context of art and being an Artist.
Last night I pulled up some images of some landscape paintings of Claude Monet. When I was in my 20’s after art school I started to learn landscape painting. Claude Monet was one of the artists who’s work I studied and looked at as an example of how to do such paintings.
I used to go on ‘painting trips’ with my then girlfriend out to her cabin and spend the weekend making paintings, really with no other purpose but to paint.
At that stage I was more blissfully ignorant in terms of who I was, and how I had accepted and allowed myself to really just exist as a brainwashed robot, existing in the mind and more or less just ‘going along’ with the world in how it was. I did not at all see or realize the scope of the problem we are facing as Life, and thus the scope of the Solution necessary and how to actually walk such a Solution.
I was still living in my ‘Artist Bubble’ just taking on the point of art as my purpose in life.
For this reason I really did put allot of attention on this such artist and all the artists I studied at the time of when I was learning landscape paintings. I would look at these such images and read about these artists and really generate all sorts of positive experiences within me in relation to who I would/could potentially be in my life within the context of art, obviously imagining and dreaming of myself as being GREAT and Famous.
I had accepted/created such a nostalgia about art and also about who I would be within this. It was like a form of romanticism really.
So last night I pulled up a few images on the internet of Claude Monet’s art and this particular experience came up within me.
Its like a Drive. A Drive to achieve a certain skill level within my art and within something like landscape paintings. I also can see this nostalgia point coming up but these days I am not able to ‘go into it’ in the same way.
In my past I could really construct an entire reality around this nostalgia and romanticism about art and this would actually fuel me in my actions and application of painting.
I mean I was ‘going on faith’ in a way. Trying to create works of art that would ‘get me noticed’ I mean that was one of the primary starting points of the art I made. To have it look/appear in such a way that I would become famous.
So last night I noticed that ‘drive’ experience coming up within me as I browsed through his paintings. I was wanting to do what he did. I was wanting to make paintings as nice as his, as good as his. To be at that level.
Ok so I am going to continue to open this point within Self Forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with as ‘feeling’ like a ‘Drive’ to excel in painting and have my landscape paintings be as good as claude monet’s paintings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame when seeing that I was pre-occupied with such a point. Going into shame because I do not see this endeavour as actually being what is best for all but being based on Self Interest. Self Interest within the context of personal glory instead of aligning and dedicating myself to the Glory of ALL life to Live and Express within the context of Equality and Oneness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my paintings to be as good as Claude Monet’s paintings because then I perceive this as me having reached some form of value – but is this real value?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to generate Value within and as myself through and as my Skill as an Artist, where I have believed that through this I can generate within me real value and a sense of fulfilment which I see as the only way to do this where I have not yet understood the point of Value within the context of Equality or Ordinariness, so living simply within a point of Self Acceptance, but that where rather I have attempted to instill myself with Value through by defining myself by a particular skill that I develop, which is like the process of creating a specific kind of Value related to such a skill that in this I am trying and attempting to Validate myself and make myself worthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and build Value into and as myself through building my skill and ability as an artist, but not have stopped and asked myself – Is this actually Real Value? I mean What is Real Value. From my perspective in terms of what I have been studying and investigating the past 5 years, Real Value has nothing to do with Self Interest. I mean, how does one ‘build’ value or ‘attain’ value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at the moment, define myself as having no value or not enough value, or lacking value and so then from here go out and attempt to attain or create value for myself where I become worthy, where I see and experience myself as worthy within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out value from the starting point of defining me as having a lack of value and then so have attempted to get this value by developing a skill
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link my Self Value to my Skill and Ability as an Artist and on the art that I make where my Value is dependent on this particular point and so here I forgive myself that I Haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider simplicity and equality within Value, where all Life is Valued Equally or has Equal Value and that there is not one point that is more or less valuable than another, and so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Overlook the point of Equality in Value, but rather that I have daily searched for and seeked out ways where I can FIND Value, because it as if I don’t have it and don’t know where to look for it, and so it is like a search, a ‘looking for’ value.
I will continue with the Self Commitment Statements in my Next Blog.
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