So today as I was driving to work, I noticed an interesting point. I was rather enjoying myself as I drove to work and I have been enjoying myself within the new job I am working. The point that I noticed is that to me, it felt like something was ‘not right’ because I was enjoying myself.
Here I noticed that I more expect me to not enjoy myself in this world to the degree where when I do enjoy myself, particularly on a consistent basis, that I become suspicious and I experience myself as if ‘something is wrong’.
So this is quite an interesting and strange phenomena – how I have accepted my reality, this reality as primarily being ‘negative’ specifically with regards to my experience within it, where ‘I am fine’ when I experience myself within a point of negativity because apparently, by my own definition, this is ‘normal’. Where when I am enjoying myself, this is abnormal, and so here have more come to ‘trust’ a negative experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel more comfortable when I am ‘feeling shitty’ or ‘in a negative experience’ because then ‘I have nothing to lose’ and so can simply be comfortable with myself because I do not have to exist in fear of losing my ‘positive experience’ or ‘point of enjoyment’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is really difficult for oneself to enjoy oneself in this world. Where I have accepted this idea as the ‘norm’ and ‘common knowledge’ as if it is like this for everyone, as if my experience that I have daily is pretty much how everyone else in similar situations/conditions as me experience themselves, and so accepted this ‘idea’ as part of my religion of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear really enjoying myself due to fear of losing that enjoyment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto ‘how I experience myself’ like this become a my ‘life sentence’ locking myself into the emotional/feeling experiences that I have become accustomed to, insisting that these will not change, and that I am unable to change.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to change, or to commit myself to change, because ‘I will just be disappointed in myself’ where here I have already accepted ‘failure’ as the outcome.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the goal on the end point, on the outcome, instead of just LIVING HERE, and doing that daily which will accumulate into and as Self Change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be suspicious of enjoyment – which in itself is revealing that I really do not understand and know myself as this ‘suspicion’ reveal that I do not clearly see and understand where this enjoyment come from or how it was created or exist within me or if it is valid or not.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk the daily applications of self investigation through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application within and as the starting point of actually Getting to Know myself which is then what Self Intimacy is, Into – me – I – See, so that I can SEE who I am and why I am and how I am in every moment so that when I am enjoying myself that I see/realize/understand exactly what this enjoyment is so that in this I can Live in Self Trust instead of having Uncertainty being the dominating point within me and so thus here walking myself from Uncertainty to Self Trust and Self Understanding through walking daily the Tools and Tasks and Applications that assist and support in Developing Self Awareness.
I commit myself to continue to assist and support myself to Stabilize myself HERE, and thus stopping my existence in and as emotional and feelings turmoil’s, And here orienting myself to be practically effective in each moment, and within this walking in BREATH focusing on Consistency and Consistency.
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