So basically I had been working on this piece and it was going well. And so I wanted to keep it going in that direction. But then suddenly today it started kind of messing up a bit and dangerously close to mistakes that cannot be undone. So when I left at the end of the day the piece was not ‘where I wanted it to be’. I remember this really used to bother me and I would allow it to do so deliberately, like showing my ‘Real True Commitment” as an Artist, where I would should this, by ‘being upset’ if my piece was not going well. But really, I see that I would personally become quite uncomfortable, like I just wanted to Fix it, and get it back to a place where I could breath again. So its like if there was some point out of place, particularly if I did not have a solution in place, I would not be at unease with myself.
I see that this is a point I would like to sort out and correct so that I am simply stable and HERE and not have my experience fluctuating in relation to the success or failure of the Art Piece I do.
I remember playing my girlfriend in billiards like 6 or 7 years ago. She was quite good because she owned the table. She kept winning over and over and I refused to leave the room or ‘give up’ until I won. But she just kept winning. It was like, I couldn’t just leave it and walk away.
I see here the point of “Letting Go” being able to simply breath and walk and ‘Let The Point Go’ so that I am not carrying it with me so to speak, always thinking about it, worrying about it, stressing about it. So this would happen in the past when I would do art if my painting wasn’t going well. It was like, I couldn’t just leave it, and walk away and ‘Let it Go’, I allowed it to ‘bother me’ I bothered myself about it. I would worry about it, and stress about it. “What if I can’t fix it”, “This painting is never going to work”, “Fuck, I fucked it up” etc etc.
And so today this point came up with my the current project I am working on. Its like a twisting in my gut, like ‘something is out of place’ but its time to go home, and here I am not allowing myself to let the point go, to not get, ‘caught up in the point’ in the first place.
Because I do see this as well. I see that I am actually already ‘caught up in it’ and so when something goes wrong I react accordingly, instead of being here, breathing and directing and ‘not getting caught up in it’ where suddenly my experience is determined on the success or failure of the piece. That is not a cool point to be at.
I mean it makes working on the piece not to fun as there is much fear within me. Fear of messing up, of making a mistake, of ruining it, and its like I am walking on a tight rope when Id rather be HERE, feet planted firmly on the ground, where I could really just be Stable all the time when I am doing my Art, and not going into anxiety or fear about messing up or making a mistake.
But particularly the experience that seems so unnecessary is the one I had at the end of the day, where I left with this feeling of dissatisfaction/negativity. I mean, I am still here breathing on this Earth, I am still alive. Its not the End of the World. So I see I have given more value to my Art, than to me being alive here breathing. Like its not enough to be here breathing and alive on earth. I must also do nice Art? – lol. So this is the point I must investigate further. How I have defined myself according to my art in this way where I would accept and allow who I am as my experience to be determined by my success or failure of a piece of art. Why am I simply not just HERE, and Stable instead of falling into despair if my art does not work out. I mean that is fucked up.
I will continue opening this point up in my next blog, and go more into the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective application.
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