Kicking and Screaming – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 337

The most prominent point that has come up today is the point of relationship. I am one of those beings where it as been 3 years…so a long time (depending on how you frame it)… that I have not been in a relationship and have in a way been “forced” to simply walk with myself so to speak, in my Journey To Life. I use the word “forced” because its like I have been the entire time kicking and screaming and having all kinds of desires and desperation’s in relationship to “walking alone”.
But one thing is that I am grateful for this. I am grateful that I have walked the last 3 years ‘alone’ so to speak. Because it has forced me to look at the one relationship that I have needed to look at the most – The Relationship I have with Myself.

And has given me the opportunity to sort out this Relationships I have with Myself. I see that I do experience some ‘disappointment’ for instance if I were to find myself in a relationship like tomorrow. Disappointment because actually walking alone is such a cool opportunity for one to get to know oneself. I see that I have done everything in my power to in a way ignore myself during this time, instead of more embracing the point of Working on my Relationship with ME. And so from this perspective there is disappointment within feeling like “I could have done a better job”.
Now I do understand that to be in a Relationship/Agreement with someone does not mean that one now get to forget about oneself. On the contrary, the point remain the same from the perspective that one is still facing ones own relationship with oneself, and from my perspective the effectiveness of the relationship/agreement will depend on the Relationship one has with oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend the time I have had alone to ignore myself where it is kind of like I am kicking and screaming the entire time instead of Stopping and really working on and embracing my Self Relationship, and so in a way kind of prolonged this point of actually establishing an effective relationship with myself due to spending the last 3 years trying to run from the point of being alone, instead of embracing it and realizing that the relationship that i have been looking for for all these years, has actually been the Relationship I have with Me, which has been HERE Staring me blatantly in the face the entire time, but that I neglected this relationship despite the fact that the conditions were optimum for really getting to know myself.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to utilize the time I have alone to embrace me within my aloneness and work on my Self Relationship, realizing that if any desire for relationship exist within me what so ever, that I am still not HERE and Stable with and as Myself but have separated myself from me in terms of thinking or believing that I first must have or get some external point before I am able to be satisfied and stable within and as Myself Alone.


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Holding on to Relationships – Life Review

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