My Bedroom is My ‘Giving-Up’ Sanctuary – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 321

Here I am continuing with looking at the various dimensions of the point/character of “I need to be alone” where I will go into my room where this becomes a point of actually hiding from my reality and my responsibilities.

In this blog I am continuing with the Self Corrections from the Self Forgiveness Walked in my previous blog on the ‘Imagination Dimension’.

 

I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irresponsible with my imagination, and in this case have accepted and allowed myself to utilize my imagination and thus myself to create and perpetuate a state of being of Victimization and thus inability. I have done this through by accepting and allowing myself to sit in my room and just think and worry about my life and taking no practical action to change anything about my but just sit in my room and think about all the things I do want and to in a way dream and fantasize in my imagination about what I do want, and then to compare this “what I want” to how it Actually is in real life so to speak with how my actual life is going at the moment, and to within this comparison bring up a form of disappointment and downness within myself because the fantasy picture in my mind does not match the actual physical reality that in my life. What I am also seeing is how I will go into a form of Self Defeat like “there is no hope” or “way out” so to speak, and so go into a form of “giving up” which is similar to the experience of ‘disappointment’ and so I go into this “giving up” experience and behavior and thus instead of taking steps to practically Align myself with what I would like to be doing or who I would like to be, I just instead go into a form of “giving up” and “self defeat” and just end up for instance watching movies and not practically assisting and supporting myself to Change. So its like instead of seeing where I am and then assessing what I require to practically do/walk to change that point into that which I want, I would instead see where am now, and then compare this to the “desire” in my mind and imagination and instead assessing what to practically do in REAL TIME, I will go into Self Defeat and immediately give up, believing “it will never happen”.

I also see I have this experience where its like I am chasing this image in my mind. And then eventually I will become exhausted because the picture/imagination never manifest in my actual reality. So on the one hand I see that As I play out particular fantasies in my imagination they come complete with all the experiences and energies I have attached and connected to them and so it creates like this temporary feeling so to speak, but that always end up as Disappointment when I eventually come back to reality and see that this fantasy is NOT HERE, is NOT REAL, and then the sign of disappoint comes and the Giving Up, and going into Self Defeat, and essentially I see that this is where then I’d also retreat into my Room. Where my room is like the Cave in which I go and retreat into. Its the Giving Up Place, where I go to Live Out my Giving Up.
So the Imagination is a Bitch because in my imagination I will go into scenes like for instance seeing myself in the perfect job or the perfect relationship but then I get caught up in this and kind of delving into it and missing the point of PRACTICAL REALITY APPLICATION. WIth an Emphasis on REALITY from the perspective that to actually Walk myself to a point where the Image/Imagination that I am seeing, like for instance “The Perfect Job” Might take YEARS to walk. but because I See it in my mind, I feel or believe that it should be here now, or that I want it now, or that I can’t wait, or that it should not take long at all, but that the REALITY is that such a point would take Literally Years to Manifest though diligent application. And Secondly that I cannot trust the experiences/feelings/emotions that are conjured up within me while thinking/imagining about the perfect job or relationship so that is another point I must look out for. Chasing a feeling. Because when my Imagination bubble pops and I am Back HERE in my ACTUAL REALITY, the feelings associated with the Holographic Imaginative Reality are Gone, and then it’s like I go into the adverse, like into the polarity where now I am feeling down because The PICTURE, the FANTASY, the IMAGINATION REALITY of the Perfect job or relationships or whatever is Not HERE and so thus neither then is the Feeling, Emotion which is contingent on the actual substance of the particular Reality to be HERE, which since it is in my imagination and not here at all there is literally ZERO substance to this reality an thus these apparent feelings and emotions of happiness and satisfaction if I could only manifest and have these imaginative realities, is now gone.
I have a question though.
What am I really experiencing when I am for instance imagining myself within my Perfect Job or Perfect Relationship?
Or rather – Its like I spend all my time Imagining I am somewhere else, thinking “only if I could be here, or be that, or do this or that, if only…Then I’d be happy, then I’d be better”?
Imagination thus act like a dimension within which I go into to escape my REALity. My realHEREty, my HERE. To Escape what is really HERE as me and as my ACTUAL LIFE.
Its never enough – But it is this way – this “never enough” because I squander my time. Because I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a state of Self Defeat, through which I perpetuate and live out in part through this pattern of going into my room, closing the door and giving up! So I can give up in peace, so I can give up and people will not have to see me. My room is where I go to Give Up, so that I can do this without people seeing me in this state, because obviously I not proud of this state, and so would rather just do it alone. And I mean god for bid anyone actually see me in this Giving Up State. So that is why I do not want to talk to people or see people, because I do not want them to see me in and as this Giving Up State, and so thus the best place for me to Live out this Giving Up Character is IN MY ROOM. As soon as I leave the room, I change, and put on a presentation. And if it gets to be too much, I just go back to room and flunk down on my bed and collapse in a heap.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to Align myself with ONE Reality which is my Actual Physical Reality that is HERE, and thus stop accepting and allowing myself to exist within my Imagination where I will think about for instance my perfect job or relationship and then compare this to how things are really currently, only HERE I commit myself to assist and support myself to when Considering my Actual Reality to push myself to really just look at what is ACTUALLY PRACTICALLY HERE because I see that I also INTERPRET within my Imagination My apparent REAL ACTUAL reality where now I am comparing 2 Imaginative realities. MY Perfect Job and Relationship Reality with my Apparent Actual Reality but that both are in fact IMAGINATIVE where one is Positive in nature while the other is Negative, and so here I see that I am not actually SEEING my REAL reality because even my REAL reality that I am apparently seeing and experiencing negatively I see that this is just my interpretation through my mind/imagination because if I was really seeing it for what is is there would be no energetic experience attached to what is really here and I would just see it for how it is. And so I commit myself to assist and support myself push me to actually Breathe and See my ACTUAL reality without going into Energetic interpretations and relations.

I commit myself to stop using my room as a sanctuary where I go to engulf myself in my imagination realities where I just play-out various versions of my desired and non-desired realities creating an entire experience of energies associated with these such desired and non-desired realities and thus become completely detached and removed from what is really where which is NOT an Interpretation with ENERGY as EMOTION and FEELING attached. It is simply Here as what is right here under my feet and all around me in every moment as I breathe the air from this reality.

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2 thoughts on “My Bedroom is My ‘Giving-Up’ Sanctuary – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 321

  1. Pingback: My Responsibilities Will Not Just “Leave Me Alone” – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 322 | An Artists Journey To Life

  2. Pingback: Relationships That Matter – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 326 | An Artists Journey To Life

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