When and as I see myself going into the Character of wanting to spend time alone and just wanting to be by myself I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have throughout my life used this point of “wanting to be alone” to hide from my reality and also to just keep all my other mind personalities and characters alive and well which are fed through the process of me just being alone with myself where for instance I will end up procrastinating by just watching a movie or where I would when being alone go into my mind and thinking about different points to the degree of obsessing over them where I end up then becoming possessed within my mind within my thinking because I am alone and just in my own head thinking and mulling over things instead of being here. I commit myself to assist and support myself to align my living so that it does not matter if I am alone or with others that my expression and preference is the same from the perspective of no more accepting and allowing myself to “need to be alone” to escape from the reactions and experiences of myself that comes up when I am around others, but to within my process align my living so that I am stable and expressive and no more reactive when in the presence of others. Reactive to the degree of needing and wanting and just not being able to wait for that moment when I can just get out of there and get back to my room with the door closed and I can then and only then breathe and be stable.
When and as I see myself starting to experience discomfort and anxiousness when I am in the presence of others I stop and breath. I in breathing check to see what inner dimensions I am participating with that is causing this such reaction and so for instance assist and support myself to identify the prominent dimensions existing within me that I am participating in that is creating/causing my experience of anxiousness and just wanting to get out of there and going to my room.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the back-chat statement “I can’t take it” within myself in relation to being with people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience exhaustion/exhausted when in the presence of people for a long time, where its like I experience that I am to put up such a presentation that it is really exhausting and I just can’t wait for that moment when I am alone and by myself and I can actually take a breathe and relax, because I can rarely relax when around people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to be “on guard” the entire time when I am around people, and also to just be “on” from the perspective of “presenting a character” in every breathe where everything from my physical body movements to my voice tonality to how I am looking and the words I speaking and the way I smile is absolutely calculated as a Character to appear “acceptable” and “likable” and so in this presentation become exhausted and just cannot wait for the moment when I can get out of there and finally be alone by myself where then and only then I can let go and breath a deep sigh of relief.
Ok so as I am writing this I am seeing more clearly some of the specific dimensions of this Character playing out so I am going to go ahead here and write out some of the points I am seeing in each dimension and then from here walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrections more specifically with this Character of “wanting to be alone”.
Never having the ability to relax
me alone on my bed with the door closed in my room and it is quiet and its like I have made it and I have a period of time now in front of me where I can just stay in my room and really use that time to escape
looking at all the things I can do when I finally get to my room. Like watching a movie or going on the internet or writing on my computer. Basically seeing the things I could do to relax, even sleeping.
Sometimes I just think about how nice it would be to just be able to get home and just go to sleep where I would not have to face or think about anything and I could just close my eyes and really just “let go” as that it the ultimate point of letting go of my responsibilities and obligations is just sleeping and not having to think about anything.
Just leave me alone
I can’t handle it (these people)
I need to be alone (to relax)
I can’t wait to be alone
I don’t want to talk to anyone
irritated / irritation
heavy – like my whole body becomes heavy and I don’t want to move
submissive and lethargic
slow responses/ hesitation
Physical Behavior Dimension
laying in my bed
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