I want to be Alone – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 312

At the end of my last blog a point opened up that I was not till then really seeing/noticing within the context of my experience and the events I was walking in recent weeks.
So what I want to investigate here is the relationship between the experience I was going though and the particular point in itself that I was facing that in a way triggered this entire “crashing experience” as I had defined it in my previous blogs.
I see that the point I was/am facing in my life at the moment is the point of Sales which to me was quite a departure of what I have ever done in my life and particularly was so much different than anything I have done in the past 3 years. So to me this was in a way a “Big” point and furthermore what I am looking at here is what else was going on within me in dimensions of myself that I may have not been aware of that were also at work behinde the scenes so to speak inevitably influencing me within my direction and decisons that I accepted and allowed myself to live out in recent weeks which culminated into self sabotaging and destructive and manipulative behaviors.
The resistance towards walking the sales point that I touched upon in my previous blogs

For more context on this refer to the following blogs :

Fear of Speaking on the Phone – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 284

was quite intense and I ended up just wanting to stop what I was doing. It was like as I pushed and moved myself into the sales point there was this heaviness descending upon me daily until I collapsed. And I did NOT want to get back up. And so I went into a form of avoiding the issue all together, and there was a point of relief within me in relation to “not having to deal with this point”

So the question I had come up within me recently was/is : Was the extent of “the crash” related to the fact that this point I am facing currently in my life and with the sales point was/is in fact a crucial and defining point/opportunity in my life where if within really walking this point effectively it would require me to actually CHANGE, and thus there was allot of pressure so to speak because many of the preconditioned relationships that I have defined myself as were/are being threatened which would be why the Resistance I experienced was so extensive, as allot of the more ingrained fundamental programs I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as were now being place within a position of stress as I moved and directed myself into a point where these particular conditions and programs would simply have no use as the point is in a way completely NEW in terms of anything I have really done before.
One Relationship in particular that was being Challenged in terms of “how I was used to living” and how now I could see that I would be required to live was my overall life-style that up to now there was not allot of Responsibility from the perspective of me really being accountable for much on a daily basis. My life over the past years has been someone “hands off”. That is one of the reasons why I have perhaps found it difficult to Stabilize myself within a Job within the system as “I didn’t like being tied down to a point” that I would be accountable for and thus Available for. Life if you have a child you MUST be available for that child. If you Start a business, and you want that business to be success, you must be available for that business. What I have done throughout my life is made sure that I was never in this position of requiring to be ‘available’. Its like a fear of commitment of “Tying myself down” to something, especially if it is long term. I really also dislike being out in the open and have preferred to live a life where really no on depended on me or needed me for much so that way I can just go under the radar, unnoticed and just live my life in the way that I want with no ties to anyone where I did not have to be ‘available’ so to speak. So with doing the sales point this entire Personality/Character I have constructed as having no ties and no responsibility to anyone or anything where I can just do my own thing was at risk. And I have lived this particular personality and character throughout my life. Its like a comfort thing. Its like the entire time I was doing the sales, I just wanted to go back to my room and get into my bed and pull the covers over my head, and close my eyes and hide-out. No phones, no way anybody could get a hold of me. Its the point of being able to just disappear in a way and not having to be accountable for anything. From my perspective this is a particular point that I would like to correct about myself and have at times in my life pushed myself into more “open” situations where I couldn’t HIDE from view and go unnoticed. Overall I see that this particular Character I must correct and actually assist and support myself to become Responsible and Stand UP and Take Responsibility for myself and for What is Best for ALL which means no more having the luxury of Hiding out in my room which is like my secret special place where I am safe and can relax. I am not saying that I will never again have this point of just being able to unwind so to speak, but that I rather I simply must Establish a Priority Structure that is based on Life within and as the Principle of What is Best for ALL and so thus I see that to actually Take Responsibility for myself and for what is best for all that “Making Myself Available” is a point I must Stand as. Were obviously Supporting the Bringing Forth of What is Best For ALL is more important that Supporting my own special personal bubble where I can feel safe where I am actually only considering and placing MYSELF as more important than What is Best for ALL.
So from here in my next blog I will look at the point of investigating and opening up this “leave me alone” Character.

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