Hiding From Change – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 311

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose hope in my small actions because I do not see an immediate result.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself victimize myself even within knowing that that is what I am doing, but I Just do it anyways and in victimizing myself keep myself down within a diminished state of self, instead of standing by and walking/living by the Principle of what is best for all which is so easy it is scary. It is scary because I am often able to see what I must do but I just deny it, I just victimize myself and make myself believe that I can’t see what I must do, and I cover my eyes and I do not want to look at what I must do to in fact Direct me within and as the Principle of what is best for all.
So shit – I see that I have been living in Self Victimization mode for the past few weeks. This is interesting because I had just spend around a month and half actually exploring this point in my blogs and then end up immediately going into the point of Self Victimization where it was like I imploded in on myself, and have been living this Self Victimization point in the past 3 weeks.
Today I was having a conversation about the point of living/existing in purgatory which is exactly how I have experienced myself lately and in a way Mostly, within myself in recent years. Where my experience of living in purgatory is like where I am not at all engaged in my life but more standing back watching my life pass me by and not really getting involved with it.
When I look back at the past few weeks, I see that everything started when my car broke down, where already by this point I was kind of hanging by a thread so to speak and not yet really certain and walking within the principle of best for all, and so when my car broke down I kind of took this as an opportunity to crash. Meaning I was already experiencing allot of resistance towards the point I was walking which was to do with Sales where I was learning a new point and pushing myself into it but as I did the resistance grew and grew and I was looking for a way out, and escape point so to speak which was the car breaking down because I was not handling the resistance effectively and was already caving or had caved and it was just a matter of time. So with the car breaking down I removed myself from having to continue walking that point in the way I was and could take a ‘breather’ so to speak.
Since then I really went into “Purgatory Mode” and Victimizing myself and going into Self Destruction. Though I do see that even before then I was not standing effectively as the resistance to the point I was walking grew and grew and so I was in my eyes allowing it.
So I kind of just let other parts/aspects of my life slide as well where I neglected them instead of correcting and ensuring I was walking even the most basic of points consistently.
I have spent the last 3 weeks drifting along, and existing in Self Victimization. I was frustrated with myself and with my Job but I was not really directing anything or making any decisions. Its like all Direction kind of fell out of sight and instead of bothering to stand up and direct the clutter in my world I just let the clutter build up and I allowed the excuses and justifications continue and did not bother to bring myself to a clear directive decision, I just felt hopeless, it seemed hopeless. I was confused but instead of sorting out my confusion I just allowed it to fester and would even go as far as making things worse. I was seeing what I was doing but doing it anyways.
One point I am seeing here with regards to the extent of the ‘crash’ that occurred through the last 3 weeks has to do with a point I am facing in my life right now that is really like a “BIG” point from the perspective that it is really outside my comfort zone and so I was not wanting to face this point and I was actually wanting to hide from it and run from it because OMG if I were to actually face and walk this point I would have to change. And the funny thing is, is that the point is HERE and I actually have this Opportunity to Walk a point that will support me to actually change me. But I just didn’t want to, I did NOT even want to look at it. Let alone face it and walk it. I just wanted to bury myself in a thousand different things so that I would not have to see it.

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