Forming Perceptions in my Mind about my Age – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 310

In some recent blogs I have posted I have been investigating the point of “I will never amount to anything / my life will never become of anything” where this point of age is like a primary construct that is holding this entire belief that “I or my Life will never become of anything”
Today while I was looking through job postings I noticed this particular point relating to age and how “I will never go anywhere in my life” revealed itself as I was considering this one job add in particular where essentially what I noticed is that I ended up creating within myself a negative defeating experience that came about in part related to the aspect of my age.
So here I am just going to take a closer look at this experience/play-out I had today that has been related to this point I have been investigating recently. So here is like a real-world example of how this point of my age is playing a role in this entire point of living out “I will never make anything of myself or my life”
What happened is that I found a job that I thought I might be interested in. I see that there is aspects of this job that I have actually formulated within my mind in relation to pictures that I seen on the employers website.
I noticed that I formed a perception of the employers of being younger than myself and thus me being older and thus “not fitting in” and thus I would not get the job on the account of my being to old.
I also then started to go into my mind and started worrying about me not being good enough in my skill in that area because even though I have refined this particular skill within my life-time quite a bit, but that because I am older that I will be “slower” and “less creative” and so not contributing as much to the process.
Within my mind I am seeing like a picture of me being alone and separated from the group and kind of being like an outcast because “I am older”
So I have walked this entire play-out within my mind without actually even contacting or speaking directly with the potential employer but basically created scenarios within my mind based on perceptions that I have created based on the words that I read in the add as well as the pictures I seen on the website, where within this perception that I formulated started playing out scenarios ending in both positive and negative ways and then basing my decision and direction on these polarity play-outs based on the perceptions that I have created in my mind.
Again here a point that came up was my age and this idea that “I am too old” where this point again is coming through within my life in a “negative” way.
In this particular mind play-out that I walked within myself when assessing whether or not the job would be a good fit for me, one of the most prominent points that stood out was “me being an outcast” on account of my age. Because I was older and thus ‘excluded’ from the group so here seeing my age as a “negative” factor within the equation.

THOUGHT DIMENSION
So in this case the THOUGHT that came up that triggered a negative emotional response was an image of me standing alone from the group kind of standing there as if being an outcast not really fitting into the group.
The BACKCHAT that came up in relation to this picture is
I am not good enough
I am not wanted
I am useless (on account of being seen as unimportant and a non-essential part of the group/equation)

So I ended up experiencing a negative experience here and then so coming to the conclusion that “This Job is Not For Me” or “This Job is Not Going To Work”
So here is a cool example of the particular construct that I am walking recently in my blogs of “feeling like I will never amount to anything in my life” and how atm my age is playing a part in this equation.
I will continue exploring and opening up this point in my next blog, eventually getting to the point of Applying Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application.

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