I’m So Far Behind I Just want to Give Up – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 306

I am continuing with exploring and opening up the point of “I will never get anywhere/my life is going nowhere” which I started to look at in my last blog.
I am going to continue on with my experience of myself today in relation to “my life” and how I see myself participating within and living out the point of “I will never get anywhere/my life is going nowhere”
What I was finding today was that I am not able to see with clarity any specific point or direction or signpost so to speak indicating that “I am in the right spot” or “what direction to go”. I see that I have also faced this point allot in my life recently from the perspective of noticing this point of there never really being any clarity within myself with regards to the Direction I should take with my life. It is more like a blur. What I find is that I end up really questioning myself as I see I am doing recently as well.

Is this the direction I should take
how can I be sure
this feels wrong/this doesn’t feel right
why do I feel this way about this direction/decision
why is there not absolute clarity
what should I do with my life
am I doing the right thing
am I wasting my time
am I making a mistake
this is going to turn out bad

Its like I am being assaulted with these questions and have noticed this same line of questioning coming up allot lately. Particularly with regards to my ‘Career Path’ from the perspective of looking at what points to walk within the context of positioning myself within the system.
What I am seeing come up within me at the moment as I write this point out is anger and frustration in relation to not having a specific “line of work” from the perspective of where you have families that essentially provide their children with the necessary skills and abilities and understanding within particular industries within the system for which they are then able to apply themselves effectively and in this have an effective position in the system.
I also see an aspect of my emotional/feeling reaction of anger and frustration is linked to my current age and position in the system where I feel “SO FAR BEHIND” and in a way Hopeless with regards to actually ever being able to ‘amount to anything’ in relation to the time frame parameters of my life.
So I do see my “Career Path” as an uphill battle in a way because of my current position and age and skill set and this generate a feeling of hopelessness within me where I think “whats the point” and just want to give up, and go into that feeling/experience of like “I have no hope” and kind of sinking into myself into a form of giving in and giving up where its like I just kind of sit down inside myself within the expression of “I can’t do it” or “I quit”
So this is where I just give up and I don’t “feel like” doing anything within my moment to moment reality to actually support me to develop the necessary skills to become effective within the system and really walking and standing effectively within the System within the current rules and regulations of the system. So here it is like I take on the entire personality of “giving up” / “not caring” where this become my complete expression and I just slink around experiencing hopelessness and uselessness and ultimately not in fact Supporting me to do anything about my situation no matter how dire or hopeless it might ‘seem’.
So the point I began writing about in this blog of “feeling like my life will go nowhere / I will never amount to anything” is exactly what I have arrived at here where I have walked a bit of the blue print in terms of how I am in fact creating this experience/belief within myself and my life, and now where the point is to assist and support myself to correct myself in so to assist and support me to do the necessary actions and behaviors that are a statement of Self Direction based in practical considerations to become effective within the system, because what I am realize is that at the moment what I am LIVING out is “I am a failure” essentially in where I have given up and not even bothering to support myself to EVEN TRY to do anything about my situation. Its like my expression becomes one of Hopelessness and this Hopelessness takes over me and my life.
I will continue with this point in my next blog, moving into walking the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective statements in relation to this point I am facing/walking of feeling/believing/living out that “I will never amount to anything/ my life is and will be a failure/ nothing will ever come of my life.

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