What I have noticed about myself is that for the most part there is like this negative energy inside me all of the time. Its like a constant “hum” in the background of just being generally disgruntled with very little joy or happiness. Sometimes I see people that they kind of have a frown on their face all of the time. When I see this I think that these type of people have been generally unhappy in their lives and are for the most part always disgruntled and over time this eventually lead to there mouth/physical forming to such a “state-of-being” So this is what I have noticed about myself, its like I am always or very often existing in a negative type experience as if this negative type experience is my “natural state”. Thats whats strange about it, is that its like its a natural state that I am all the time or generally so. I do not see any specific event or reason for why I would experience myself this way all of the time. And what is also perplexing is that I more see myself as an “upbeat” person, yet its like I have this inner core experience that is negative. Today I was in the car and I looked up at the rear-view mirror and I was looking at my reflection to see if my face was generally frowny and paying particular attention to the shape of my mouth and if it was taking on a more permanent frown position because I very much experience myself within a negative state and I don’t know why. Its like a general unhappiness with my life. Sometimes I think that maybe if I had a relationship I wouldn’t have this general state of happiness but that obviously is not a Solution as I must in fact stand stable within a point of aloneness so to speak and not depending on another for my happiness/well being.
I wonder if everyone experiences themselves this way?
I have just begun to notice it more and what is interesting about all this is that I see it as my more natural state or core essence experience of myself as kind of like the base-line humm frequency of me.
This experience I also see occur mostly when I am alone where for instance after the day and I retire to my room for the evening this is where this experience of me will emerge. When everything else is gone and I am left with myself, this negative experience of me comes to the surface like its always been there in the background but when I am busy with other people, interacting with them that I do not notice (as much) but when I am alone it becomes more prominent as my primary experience of me. I would say this negative state of myself started to emerge around my mid to late 20’s where I more started to notice it, and that this may actually be one of the first time I have written about this “permanent state of negativity” that I experience within myself literally constantly. It is like the soup base, then you have the other ingredients with which you make the soup….better yet, it is not even the soup base, it is the water of the soup, so at the end of the day when you pare it all back to its basic element what you are left with, what I am noticing is that my primary experience of myself is Negative/Negativity, like a perma-frown. A perma-fround that I just can’t shake. It sits in my solar plexus and is almost like a constriction of sorts in my solar plexus. A general dissatisfaction with myself and my life, even though as mentioned I consider myself as up-beat person. Why is this my Permanent Experience That does not even make sense. What would make sense is that I would be rather within a point of equilibrium not negativity? No wonder DRUGS and ALCOHOL are prolific within this world, as it is the means to take away this negative experience of self by essentially sedating oneself into a state where one no more feel this experience within self that one experience when the substances start to wear off and again one returns back to Self in a more normalized state.
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