This is a continuation of the following blogs
Uncovering My Fear of Phone Calling – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 289
“I just really really really don’t want to” – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 288
Discomfort in Communicating With People – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 287
Maybe I Will Make Mistakes But That’s Ok – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 286
Fear of Phones – What if I ‘F’ Up – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 285
Fear of Speaking on the Phone – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 284
Today I am continuing with opening up the point of resistance I faced last week in relation to making phone calls for my new job, but is also related to the entire job in its totality though the particular reaction/point I am looking at was more triggered or came about in relation to the requirement of making phone calls in relation to the job.
I noticed that today this same/similar reaction that was coming up last week was actually coming up again today. I have spent the last week investigating this point within my writings and going into it some and opening it up however what I noticed today is that the intensity of the anxiety/resistance that was coming up within me is more indicating a pre-programmed point that is deeper than what I have uncovered so far as the reaction I experienced today was quite similar to last week, even though I have begun the process of investigating the point, thus indicating that I haven’t yet really got to the points/memories where I have established this reaction/anxiety within me in relation to communicating with people , in particular through the phone.
So I am continuing here with the Reaction Dimension.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to have anything to do with requiring to make the phone calls that I have already previously set up where I have actually taken this to the dimension of behaviour where I have literally ignored the responsibility I have within this point, ignoring it day after day with the intention of eventually getting to the point where it will be too late for me to make the phone calls and then I will be free from this responsibility where this is like a deliberate action of self sabotage making it seem like its not me thats doing it when meanwhile it is me, and that this total expression is being impelled from and in relation to my reaction dimension of and as the reactions of anxiety, fear, panic, heaviness, resistance which I have accepted and allowed to direct me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that my reaction I am experiencing as the resistance that came up in relation to making the required phone calls I have to make, is a pre-programmed response formed from memories/experiences from my past that I am now accepting and allowing to direct and control me instead of me standing within and as my directive principle and being here in and as Self Silence and Directing Myself within Practical Application ascertained through common sense to establish my own effectiveness within my Living and Functionality within this world / the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the experience of anxiety and panic that emerges from within me when I start to think about having to make the required phone calls I must for my new job.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience panic at the prospect of phoning people and speaking to them about my offering.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people will respond negatively to when I call them, and so go into resistance because I fear facing this “negative reaction” that I have anticipated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to conjure up reactions and emotions of fear and panic and resistance within me through by thinking in my mind in my Imagination Dimension the kinds of reactions I might face when I call people for my job where I then in imagining their reactions which I have anticipated to be negative start to experience anxiety and fear and panic within myself, and then from there accept and allow this inner reaction/experience formed in relation to my imagination and projection of what I think might happen impel me within my actions and behaviours where I avoid making the phone calls, all of this happening in my own mind and are not in fact what is HERE in and as the REAL TIME SITUATION.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing conflict or friction or negativity on the phone to the degree where I will simply avoid making any phone calls at the prospect of facing such a point, essentially becoming absolutely directed by my own inner experience of fear in relation to what I think/perceive within my mind will happen in making the phone calls.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be shit scared of making phone calls to people, particularly where there was authority involved in terms of for instance phoning an adult when I was child or phoning other ‘official’ points such as the government or other authority points such as businesses, and also as simple as engaging human beings that are strangers as I had developed a fear of doing this, like not knowing how it would go or what to say.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always judge myself within my ability to speak/communicate on the phone where it was like I was embarrassed by my communication/expression on the phone with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the entire principle of making phone calls where its like you call somebody that is completely not expecting it and then you are required to facilitate a conversation that is like coming from out of thin air.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people phoning me, where when the phone would ring at my house I would experience anxiety and panic like immediately because I don’t know who is on the other line, where this over time developed to the point where I would simply ignore the phone when it rang, not wanting pick it up and like going into a state of paralysis, like frozen in fear where I become startled and take a short breath and my eyes go slightly wider and I am like standing there like frozen like a statute, and not wanting engage the telephone at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the phone particularly from the perspective of when someone would call me out of the blue.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to shut the world out from my life where the phone became like a portal where people could still reach me but I just wanted to disappear from the responsibilities of the world and live my own life how I wanted, and thus, never wanted to speak on the phone or ever have the phone even ring at all, as I within my life was aligning myself with attempting to hide and escape from the System. And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by passed habbits, and alignments that I lived that was based on principles of self interest. Principles that I am correcting so to Stand within a point of Self Responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within what I am doing/walking within my new job, where I am assuming that I will be met in a certain way, based on how I have defined and perceived myself to be within the point that I am walking.
I will continue in my next blog with exploring this point as well as moving into the Self Commitment/Corrective Statements.
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