This is a continuation of the following blog posts
Discomfort in Communicating With People – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 287
Maybe I Will Make Mistakes But That’s Ok – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 286
Fear of Phones – What if I ‘F’ Up – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 285
Fear of Speaking on the Phone – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 284
I am continuing here with exploring my reaction/resistance to speaking on the telephone where now I am going to have a look at the THOUGHT Dimension.
So in terms of this reaction that I was having I am not seeing a clear thought/picture that is coming up in my mind in relation to the actual reaction point. Normally the reaction comes when I start to think about the phone calls I must make where it feels like ‘allot’ and then there is like this heaviness that comes up. I remember I used to have that also in the past when ever I would be required to make “an important phone call” especially if it was related to for instance phoning to see about a job or something that will determine my future. Its kind of like the same experience I had when for instance I was going around and handing out resumes for the first time in my life which was quite scary. So in terms of this instance I am walking now I am not really seeing a clear thought/picture coming up here and so am going to move onto the next dimension which is the IMAGINATION Dimension.
With this Dimension I see that I actually start to think ahead and seeing myself actually in the moment of making the phone calls and just go into resistance. Its like I try and imagine the people I will be phoning and try to imagine what that would be like but I cannot do it, and so I just end up having to call and see in the moment what it is like, and that is actually a scary thing, to call, and see in the moment what it is like as “you never know” what it will be like, if it will go good or bad. And in this there is like a fear and expectation that it might go really bad and I will be “attacked” or “rejected” by the person I am calling, or that it will just not go very well. Even with this IMAGINATION Dimension I am not actually seeing a clear point to walk Self Forgiveness on so will go ahead and move onto the next Dimension which is the BACKCHAT Dimension. Now with this Dimension I actually noticed in my previous blog 2 clear specific back-chat statements that come up in relation to making the required phone calls I was required to make with this new job. The 2 initial back-chat statements I will begin with are
I just really really really don’t want to do it.
I just really don’t like it.
I will start with applying Self Forgiveness on the first statement and opening it up some more to get some more perspective on why and how I am creating/have created such massive resistance towards using the phone in relation to this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the back-chat statement “I just really really really don’t want to do it” in relation to making the required phone calls I am required to make with my new job, where there is so much fear and anxiety within me towards making these phone calls, that all I really want to do is not have to do it and just get off the hook somehow so that I do not have to actually face myself in walking this point, due to the discomfort I experience within myself in relation to having to make these calls.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to really really really not want to make the required phone calls I have to make because I believe that if I can somehow find a way to get myself out of doing this that things will be ok.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so anxious within myself that I just do not want to face that moment where I actually have to call people for my new job where I am required to make specific phone calls to people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define speaking on the phone as excruciating and so build up resistance, fear, and anxiety in relation to requiring to do this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the back-chat within me “I just really don’t like it” in relation to requiring to make phone calls as a part of my new job, where clearly what I do not like is my experience of myself within walking or having to walk this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will never get over this point and get over the fear, anxiety and frustration and anger I experience within myself in relation to “having” to make phone calls, where its like I experience this kind of anger within me due to feeling like “i have to” or “i must” make phone calls, kind of more like an obligation I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “really not like” making phone calls because I ‘hate’ having to face that moment of fear and anxiety and walk through it in where I actually will phone someone and speak to them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak the back-chat within me “I can’t do it” in relation to making the necessary phone calls I am required to make where I speak this statement of and as “I can’t do it” as a statement of believing that I will never be able to stand effectively within this point where I can get to a point of ease and effectiveness within making phone calls, but am believing that the resistance and anxiety I experience in relation to making phone calls, particularly in relation to my new job, that this anxiety and resistance will never go away, and thus I just want to give up and not have to face this experience of anxiety and resistance and fear in relation to making phone calls, because it is just so much of an uncomfortable experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the back-chat statement within me “Its to hard” in relation to consistently making the phone calls I am required to make on a daily basis, where I have actually never in my life have had to do this, and so no wonder I am finding this point difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the back-chat within me “I am not cut out for this” in relation to making the necessary phone calls I am required to make for my new job
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