This is a continuation from the following blogs
So I have been in recent blogs opening up a reaction that came up the other day in relation to requiring to make some phone calls for my new job. The point I was reacting to was the point in itself of actually just having to make the calls as I have never enjoyed speaking on the phone and if when possible would avoid doing. This could definitely be seen as one of my personalities/characteristics which for instance a family member of mine would be able to relate thinking “ah yes, that sounds like Andrew”
Anyways I am continuing here with this point.
What I have noticed is that I am actually still experiencing this resistance within me where I just really really really don’t want to do it. I just really don’t like it. So obviously here there is a point I must look at or points as is being indicated by the extensive reaction I am having in relation to this point.
I realize that this is a point that is really a limitation and a part of myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in relation to past memories/moments/experiences where this such point would emerge where I would develop the absolute distain for speaking/communicating on the phone. However though this would depend on the person where for instance I would not mind if it was my partner calling me on the phone. That was fine, and I actually enjoyed speaking with my partner on the phone. Particularly because I was comfortable with my partner. Where with other people I am not really comfortable. I find I am most comfortable when I am alone by myself. Otherwise I feel tense when I am around other people, and I actually also find it exhausting and often cannot wait to just get to a point where I can be alone again so that I can actually take a breath and relax. So I do see my dislike of communicating on the phone is also related to this point of just being uncomfortable and tense when I am interacting with anybody which extends to speaking on the phone with someone as well.
So now with my new job I have really placed myself in a position where I not only must communicate with people on the phone but actually arrange to have meetings with them which really goes against how I have primarily lived within my life thus far which would normally centre around me avoiding people and avoiding the phone where ever possible to the point where I would actually ignore my own phone when it rang and would screen my calls because I preferred to not have anyone “interrupt” me which I am seeing here is related to a dislike I developed towards being in the company of others and thus is now the resistance point I am facing as the reaction I have stated looking at here of experiencing resistance to speaking on the phone.
So I mean its not so much about the phone per se. Its whats on the other end. Its the people that I am avoiding. The interacting with people. That is like so exhausting and I never feel natural, I feel like I must become an actor and that is tiring and uncomfortable.
I find that people are mean and abrasive. Its like difficult to communicate with people sometimes because of this. I remember I really did not like loud and obnoxious people, particularly men. I always thought “what’s your problem” Even in high school I was much more comfortable with a smaller circle of friends and in a way was particular in the kinds of friends I would choose. As I got older I was still more “independent” and would rarely call people to get together. I could manage one person, but more than that was like way to stressful. I have never thrown a party in my life. No fucking way. I’d probably be the first one to leave the party – lol.
So here is a bit more exploring into this point of this extensive resistance that is coming up as I am facing/walking this point of being required to in a way stand at a point that I have never ever been comfortable within doing.
In my next blog I will look at continuing with the ‘thought’ dimension of the reaction I faced as the resistance to making the necessary phone calls I was required to make.
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