I wish I was as Smart as that Guy – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 273

Indecision

Today I was out doing some “door knocking” and speaking to individuals about education and the importance of effective childhood education. One man in particular who opened his door said that he was “ok” and wasn’t interested. As I was walking away this thought came up within me that “that man is probably really smart already and therefore his kids are probably in good hands” I came up with this thought based on communicating with this individual for less than a minute. His appearance was sophisticated and he had quite a large house so I assumed that he was probably very successful and thus possessed the necessary skills to be successful. I thought – Why would a man with a sound vocabulary take advice or listen to someone speaking to him about learning or vocabulary who was actually not that articulate. So this man was like a mirror as what I saw reflected back at me was myself as a person who did not develop an effective vocabulary or communication in school and who still is not effective with this point. I was a bit frustrated because I see myself as so far behind and really never able to actually correct this point but more have to live it. I experienced like a drop within myself solar plexus, like a feeling of inadequacy. I look at this man and I think, “I will never be like this man” I will never be clear, specific and effective with my vocabulary and communication and also my ability to read and comprehend information so in effect, information processing which I see as a critical point within maintaining any “high up” position in society. The other day also I was watching a youtube video of this high-up executive giving an interview and I was so “taken” by how articulate the person was in explaining and expressing themselves with such clarity, stability and precision. I had never developed that “part” of myself within my life. I was never taught the importance of vocabulary and reading which is strange considering I went to school and college? You’d think in school they would impress this point and/or also ensure that every individual was developed in an effective way so that all individuals were clear, stable, and precise in their ability and expression with words/reading/communication. But this was not the case, otherwise we all would be this way.
I have always struggled with information processing where it literally became in a way painful to work with allot of information where for me allot of information is really NOT allot compared to someone who has an effective command of this ability to process and work with information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “it’s no use” and immediately give up on the idea of assisting and supporting myself to develop my ability to work with information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is impossible for me to now correct my learning dysfunction where I had not developed an effective foundation of language/reading/vocabulary/spelling where now I simply must make due with a faulty structure that is was not designed in a clear and organized way to process information effectively.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it will take to long to correct this point for myself and that I will just have to make due with what I got as my faulty, ineffective “platform” that I developed throughout school I utilize to process information, that works ok but could be soooooooo much better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the experience of disempowerment which is also like a kind of helplessness in relation to this point of actually being able to correct what I see as a learning dysfunction in relation to information processing and that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust these feelings of disempowerment and helplessness though not really understanding where these feelings come from and why I am experiencing these feelings in terms of what is really the source of such experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inadequacy when I encountered the man today who I perceived to have had developed for himself in his life an effective vocabulary where I in looking at this man, immediately equated his highly developed communication skills and/or vocabulary to the big house that he had, and the car that drove and the trust that he had in himself in knowing that “he was no interested” where I then went on into my imagination imagining that he must be the CEO of some big company and be really rich and that this is all because of his ability to communicate effectively and process information effectively where in perceiving all this when looking at and thinking about this man, I went into an experience of inadequacy where I in that moment believed and perceived me to NEVER be able to be that, to reach that ability and level in information processing and thus also within this defined myself as being dumb, unintelligent and thus relegated to an inferior position and standing within this world which makes me feel, absolutely inadequate, inferior, and useless.
I will continue with looking at this point in my next blog

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