Giving Up on Myself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 272

loss

The point I wanted to look at in this blog is the point of ‘giving-up’ or/and ‘failure’. One of the first times I felt like I had really failed at something was when I was 18 and I decided to go to art school. Up until that point I had pursued art as well as ice hockey but then had to make a choice of which point I was going to walk into the future. In looking at the point I could see that my chances of making a career out of ice hockey which was what I wanted to do was not good. It was a tough point to really look within myself and look at this point of ice hockey and feel within myself that “it would be unlikely that I would actually succeed in this point” In a way I felt like I had failed at this point because I had wanted to be a hockey player since I started playing hockey when I was 10. I was very driven to be a good player and would practice all the time. From my perspective my destiny was within my hands, all I had to do was walk the practical application in terms of practicing and being dedicated and focused within my pursuit of this point, which in my eyes I was. Yet at the end of the day when all was said and done, I was not good enough, I really felt in this moment like I had failed, that I was “less than” that I had tried my best but my best was not as good as someone else’s best?…So what does that make me? In this moment where I decided that I would go to art school I felt like I had failed at hockey, but I didn’t really say that to anybody and I just more presented it as a “Decision” to go to art school instead of what I really was feeling which was “it was a failure in hockey” and so I will go to art school instead. I also thought that Art would give me an opportunity develop another skill that I had to be top of the class. Because with hockey I in essence ran out of time, but with art I had the rest of my life to refine this skill and become the best artist I could be.
So here I am looking at this point of failure and seeing how I developed my relationship to failure within myself and also here I am looking at the point of giving-up which has become quite a point within myself within my world, where “giving up on myself” has become quite common place and in a way normal to the degree that I do not even recognize that I am giving up on myself.
So today I more noticed this point more clearly – This point of “giving up” and how this point has become more and more a part of me and part of my life. And so today I started looking at the question of how did I manifest this application of “giving up” to the degree with which it now exist in my life. I mean if I actually look at my daily living this point of giving up is like a freaking epidemic where I will justify doing this time and time again from the big to the small where giving up is that point where I will allow myself to be directed/influenced and in essence live for “The Mind” instead of assisting and supporting Myself in what is actually best for me and so it is a point of giving up on myself. So this is the point I want to work with here and assist and support myself to stop and change this relationship/application/manifestation of self as the point of giving up has become an integral ingredient in my life at the moment and is a point where I am continually holding myself and not allowing myself to really become effective within my life and living.
So here is the introduction into the point of Giving Up and Failure which I will continue exploring in my next blog.

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