I am my own worst BULLY – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 259

This blog is a continuation of the investigation into my Self Victimization Character which I have outlined in the following blog : Self Victimization – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 210

Here I am now continuing with the next Self Forgiveness as well as Self Commitment Statements on the next back-chat statement I have identified within and as my Self Victimization Character.

Back-Chat Statement – “your pathetic”

. What I noticed when I was writing out the back-chat of this character is that at one point the back-chat “turned” in that it suddenly took on a different kind of characteristic. I identified this “turned” backchat as kind of like bullying so identified it as a bullying character which would be like a character within the character so to speak, but have classified this bullying back-chat still within and as my Victimization Character. You can see for yourself how suddenly the back-chat take on a kind of deliberate nastiness so to speak. I will place the section of my initial lay-out below for reference.

( Victimization Character)
I can’t do it
I can’t handle all this stuff
I am too tired
It is just so hard/difficult
I am to anxious
I am useless
I am such a failure
I am too weak
(Bullying SubCharacter)
Your pathetic
You are a waste
You will never amount to anything
Your life will be a failure

Here in I will continue with the back-chat statement “your pathetic”

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to speak the back-chat “your pathetic” to myself in relation to my process of self change, self support, and self development where this back-chat will come up within and as a point of self victimization, mostly I see it come up within me in relation to “what I have done” or “not done” where I have not yet actually corrected myself within my application but for instance where I would continue to allow myself to Victimize and Dis-empower myself instead of directing me to correct my application and get myself back on track.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be very hard and judgemental on myself when I mess something up or ‘give in’ instead of standing where when I give in I end up becoming angry and frustrated with myself and making thing worse than they need to be where I will then deliberately turn on myself in my own frustrating instead of correcting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone applying myself where as I postpone and postpone my process of self change I end up becoming nasty within myself spewing all sorts of back-chat towards myself instead of assisting and supporting myself to practice developing consistency and stability within ensuring I am walking the fundamentals of my process of self change in and as writing, self forgiveness, reading, studying the desteni material and desteni courses, as well as keeping up with my other Desteni Responsibilities so that this become a stable consistent part of my life as I see that when I do not do this I become quite nasty towards myself within speaking such back-chat as “your pathetic” where this kind of back-chat actually has not practical support in terms of assisting and supporting myself to direct/align me with a practical solution or correction and so I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop participating with back-chat that is simply not practical and hold not practical merit in and as itself but just act/stand as more of a form of “personal attacking” but not really being practical in any way in terms of facilitating me to slow myself down and really look at for instance where is this back-chat coming from? what is this back-chat in relation to? What can I do correct my application and thus stop this back-chat from coming up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak back-chat such as “your pathetic” that offer not practical insight into my actual experience or the points that I am facing but simply stand/act as more of a “smokescreen” like just a “tidy and neat conclusion” to my situation where within speaking this such back-chat as “your pathetic” I am actually supressing the real issues in terms of where my internal friction/frustration is coming from, and so this back-chat actually prevent me from supporting and enabling me to investigate myself in self intimacy effectively where I actually direct and move me to explore and open up more specifically the points that are bothering me or that I am postponing or not wanting to face.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself speaking the back-chat statement within me “your pathetic” to stop and breathe and realize that this back-chat is simply a smokescreen as I can see it is not actually giving an answer or conclusion or solution at all but just summing it all up with “your pathetic” It is a one-liner essentially. I see/realize/understand that an actual Solution would imply that I understand the details of my inner experience and so would simply just be some “one-liner” and so I commit myself to when and as I see myself speaking the back-chat or the back-chat comes up of and as the one-liner “your pathetic” to assist and support myself to actually “go into that point” meaning to look what is behind it and really assist and support myself with my writing/self investigation/ and self forgiveness to actually open up my experience and develop effective self intimacy so that I actually get to know and understand myself instead of just washing it all under the bridge of and as what I am really experiencing/feeling/struggling with, within and as the one-liner back-chat statement “your pathetic”

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