It is Just to Difficult – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 241

Dejected Character, Pencil on Paper, 8x10in,2006

Here is a Continuation of the Self Commitment Statements for the Self Forgiveness Walked  in Day 235

When and as I see myself speaking the back-chat statement within me of “it is just to hard/difficult” in relation to when walking the correction of a pattern that I have developed in and as self interest to now be correcting the pattern and aligning myself within and as what is best for all, I stop and breathe. I realize that In order to correct my patterns of self interest into Self Honest Living within and as the principle of what is best for all, that I am going to have to walk through such statements, meaning where when such statements come up within me I do not participate with such a statement by giving this statement of and as “it is just to hard/difficult my attention which thus just bring me into the mind where I end up possessed by/within such a statement, where eventually I direct myself according to this statement instead of according to the principle of what is best for all, thus, I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop the ability to actually Live my Corrections, through by in such moments when I am seeing this back-chat statement of and as “it is just to hard/difficult” coming up within me, where in such moments I remain within my Standing in and as the principle of What is Best For ALL, and thus Standing within as the Living of my Correction of myself and my life so that I am Actually IN Fact really walking my process in by actually changing and through by Standing and thus LIVING my corrections, so that I am in fact changing instead of giving into my pre-programmed back-chat to DIRECT, me.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to find the origin of my back-chat statement “it is just to hard/difficult” where I investigate how this statement came to be within me.

What I have noticed about this back-chat statement is that it has a certain “frequency” to it, where it is “more intense” than for instance the statement “I can’t do it” which is another back-chat statement that I have also looked at within this series of blogs exploring my victimization character. This statement I find is more related to “a last ditch effort” where I have come to the end of the line, meaning when this back-chat statement comes up, it is like indicating a certain stage of the Character is being lived/is Here. And so I have experienced this particular back-chat statement to have a more intense energetic experience to it, where its like “I really want to give up” Its like my mind is now really pushing me to give into it. So here I see also this is where the point of Self Victimization really start to kick in as well, where I can see the point of Self Victimization is really epitomized by this statement “it is just to hard/difficult”. I see that within this statement that the word “just” implies already that “I have tried” that I have actually walked already and pushed myself some in the point of correcting a particular pattern. I have already pushed myself past the point of “I can’t do it” and so this statement of and as “it is just to hard/difficult” is like “I can’t do it 2.0” so in a way the nature of the statement “it is just to hard/difficult” is implying still “I can’t do it”, it is simply another version of the same thing, only this time has come back from the dead even stronger from before. So then it would be the “I can’t do it ZOMBIE” lol, back from the dead.

I also see within me that I there is a point of fear I have towards this specific type of back-chat. I am more comfortable “in the beginning” of my corrections because I have walked the beginnings of corrections many times, but then as I get into them fall and go back to the beginning to walk the beginning again. But as I continue walking its like the “experience” intensifies, and then this is usually where I fall, instead of standing and walking through that “more intense experience”

Its like during my life, I have walked certain points and done certain tasks but would only take them so far until I crash. I remember in Art school, I would go through surges of production and I would push and push and push, like pushing myself to the eventual collapse, instead of rather focusing on consistency and day to day application.

Or when I was younger I would play hockey and I would push myself physically until I was so exhausted I could go no further.

Or in school when I studied, I would study until I reached that point of “I can go no further” where the back-chat would become more intense and really coming up within me insisting that “I have had enough”…….Oh, today when I was driving in my car to town, I spotted this specific back-chat statement that I haven’t included yet within the laying out of this victimization character, which I will not include here. The statement Is “I don’t have it in me” I will look more specifically at this statement in my next blog, but for now am sticking with the back-chat statement “it is just to hard and difficult”

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stop participating with my back-chat by walking ALL dimensions of it, meaning, I realize that in order to actually effectively stop participating within my back-chat I must in fact reverse engineer the statement to see where it is coming from, where for instance if I stop participating in a particular back-chat but it continue to keep coming up, this to me is indicating that I have not in fact understood that statement yet, but had more just attempted to ignore, instead of really investigating the roots of the back-chat statement, and seeing how and where I have participated within this statement throughout my life and how I have created such a statement.

I remember I really used to have a difficult time with spelling when I was in school. It was never my strong point and it seemed like the others seemed to just get this point much easier than I where I really had to work and study to try and understand the material being presented in class, and particularly had to really pay attention to spelling and grammar. Its interesting because I see that I actually have this back-chat “it is just to hard/difficult” come up allot when I am writing and I am faced with a word that I don’t at all know the spelling, and I will go into this back-chat statement instead of slowing myself down and really looking at the point to align then letters correctly. So within this statement “it is just to hard/difficult” there is a point of “giving up” In terms of Self Victimization this is where I will go into the statement of “this is just to hard/difficult” without in fact actually even directing myself to slow down and really for instance look at a word carefully and slowly that I had encountered and the correct spelling did not initially come up, so from this perspective Self Victimization is like an immediate movement into giving up instead of aligning me with instead immediately going into the practical correction which is to breath and slow myself down to actually “look at” the point that I am facing, like for instance a word that I am looking at how to spell correctly.

So

When and as I see myself moving automatically / immediately into accepting as a fact/truth, the back-chat statement “It is just to hard/difficult” in relation to a point I am facing/walking, I stop and breathe, and I really slow myself down. I realize that in and as my Self Victimization Character, I do not even in fact try and correct the point, but that I move quickly to the point of just accepting “it is just to hard/difficult” I see that I have created a pattern of Self Victimization where I will move very quickly into accepting the back-chat instead of STOPPING, and realizing that I have not even bothered to LOOK at the point I am at in terms of assessing/seeing what a practical correction is, but that I more just skip this part and not even bother. Thus, I commit myself to when and as I see myself moving automatically into accepting and allowing the back-chat statement “It is just to hard/difficult” I stop and I breathe, and I commit myself to really slow myself down, and actually investigate practical solutions to apply before I just give up without in fact slowing myself down and practically walking through different possibilities and potentials of how to practically walk/live the correction facing and to implement the practical solutions I come up with, and so the key here being to in such moments where I see myself quickly and automatically accepting and allowing the back-chat statement “It is just to hard and difficult” to Bring Myself Back HERE and align myself with finding a practical solution, a point that I do not give enough attention to but instead have conditioned myself to just give up quite quickly, often without even testing out or applying any corrections at all.

 

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