This is a continuation of the following blogs
Addressing Disharmonies – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 236
Self Victimization – “I am to tired” – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 235
“I Can’t Handle ALL This Stuff” – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 234
Following Through – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 233
Fake Commitments – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 232
Statements as “Escape Routes” to Avoid Change – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 231
When I was around 25 or 26 I remember I got a job doing lawn care and I worked there for a week. Up until that moment I had been quite insistent on not getting a job, and I see that I had created part of my personality around this point. I was “The Artist” and embedded within this Character was the point of “not working a job” I had started to develop this idea in my early 20’s where I remember the thought coming up within me that “I would not get a job in my life” but instead I would make it as an artist. And so as I pursued this idea, this entire point of not getting a job became part of my Religion. My Artist Character Religion. I would throughout this process utilize this point of “not getting or having a ‘real’ job” to construct my personality traits, where I would for instance pride myself on this, pride myself on the fact that I have been able to go so long without working a “real job”. Or that “I was different” and thus to remain “different” as how I defined myself as my “Artist Character” it would require that I never get a job, because then I would no longer be different if I had a normal job like everyone else. Then my personality would no more stay intact and thus my Illusion that I presented to the world as being me would fall apart and I would be exposed and revealed to just be normal OMG noooooooooooooooooo…..not…..Normal! – lol. So yes my EGO would be damaged. In any case I got a job because I had no money and I needed a job. I remember I worked the job for I think around 1 week or longer. When I look at that period of time I can see that that was one of the first times in my life that I participated in depression from the perspective of it being a more emphasised aspect of my life that I was “indulging” in. I say “indulging” because I remember that that was exactly what I was doing. I was moping around, and being all angry and mad and disgruntled, like a little boy who just got his favourite toy taken away. When I look at this moment in my life I can see how much of an ACT I was putting on, in a way even convincing myself that my emotional turmoil was real, when obviously it was not valid at all. Though I believed that it was ohhh soooo hard and difficult to work and that this was some terrible hardship taking place on the eccentric artist that I made myself out to be.
The reason I am pinpointing this moment in my life is because I see that during that time I would have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the excuse like “I am to tired” basically because I wanted to escape. I did not want to face the situation I was in. I was no more “living my dream” and thus had to now “work a real job” and instead of breathing and walking and directing this point effectively, I see that I started to go into excuses and hiding.
So I see here that within this kind of situation like the one described above I would accept and allow myself to participate with excuses of the same nature of and as “I am too tired” I see that this is because I could/did not have things my way. I see that I lost my motivation and determination when the cards were not Aligned with what I wanted to be doing. Thus I see that I only had motivation and determination to move myself when I was “doing what I want” which at that time was my Art, and that when things changed and I could no more do this, instead of direct and move me with that same motivation and determination, I instead went into self manipulation, refusing to apply and direct myself with the same intensity and attention and determination.
So the point I am seeing here in relation to the back-chat statement “I am to tired” is that if the conditions of my life are not perfect that instead of moving and directing myself equal and one to when the conditions are “perfect” with the same intensity and determination, I will instead go into excuses and try and escape and avoid my life.
When and as I see myself participating with the back-chat statement “I am to tired” as a way to escape and hide from facing myself and facing my CURRENT Reality, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I do this (participate with the back-chat statement as excuse as “I am to tired”) when there is parts/points within my reality that “I do not want to face” that “I am avoiding facing” and so participate more with the back-chat statement “I am to tired” and others in this same vain to hide from Walking in my reality and Directing the necessary points that are here to direct. I realize that things are not always going to work exactly as I like, and I see also that this is not the point, but I that I must assist and support myself to Stand Equally with the same motivation, the same determination, the same intensity, the same clarity, the same strength, the same effectiveness and will within my self movement in ALL situations. And so,
I commit myself to assist and support myself to Direct/Move myself Effectively in ALL Environments and Situations, doing what is best for all, assisting and supporting myself to direct/move myself in and as breathe equal and one with the same intensity, motivation, will no matter what my external environment, so thus no more accepting and allowing myself to go into the excuse “I am to tired” as the excuse that I have utilized to try and hide and escape from directing myself within my LIFE when things aren’t going how I want them. I see that that is not in fact a valid point, and so I commit myself to assist and support myself to become Equally Effective and Directive in ALL situations/environments, not limiting my Standing within and as Taking Responsibility for myself and doing what is best for ALL to only some particular environments, situations, parameters, but to Align me to Consistent walking and applying no matter where I am and what environment I am in.
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