This is a continuation from the following blogs
Hiding Behind “This is Such a Waste of Time” – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 226
Prioritizing Practicality – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 225
“Its Not Fair” – Victimization Personality : An Artists Journey To Life – 224
I am continuing here with exploring/investigating the “back-chat” dimension of the point of Self Victimization or “Victimization Character”. I am here again placing the initial back-chat layout that I did in the beginning where I looked at all the various back-chat statements as sentences/phrases/words that I was able to see/identify coming up within me in relation to the point of self victimization.
I did notice that there was 3 “kinds” of back-chat coming up within me in relation to this point which you can see below that I have separated into 3 different sections.
Back-chat Dimension (of victimization character)
(Building Up My Justification/ Pre Victimization Character)
Fuck why can’t I just do what I want
Man I have so much to do
I will never have any time for myself
I am a slave
These responsibilities are taking time away from what is really important
Why the fuck do I have to do this it is such a waste of time
All this stuff is stressing me out
When can I just relax
I hate this
(Entering Victim Mode/Character)
I can’t do it
I can’t handle all this stuff
I am too tired
It is just so hard/difficult
I am to anxious
I am useless
I am such a failure
I am too weak
You are a waste
You will never amount to anything
Your life will be a failure
1 – Pre-Victimization Character: With this back-chat I noticed that it was more related to frustration and anger and my initial reactions I would have in relation to facing points of responsibility or facing something that I did not want to do and so would fight with the point instead of simply doing what was/is required to be done from the perspective of aligning myself/my life with Responsible Living.
2 – Victimization Character: This back-chat stood out to me as being more specifically related to me existing within a point of victimization where I had entered into the point of self victimization and was now living the point of self victimization. This is the back-chat that I see is more related to “keeping me locked into” my Victimization Character here the “pre-victimization character back-chat” was more leading up to the moment where I would enter into a specific state or way of being which I see as being the Actual “Living Out” of my Victimization Character.
3. – Bullying Character (sub character) – So I also noticed back-chat was had the nature of bullying that would also come up within me in relation to this point of Self Victimization. I see that this back-chat also “keep me locked into” my victimization character but the particular back-chat identified here had a more “pronounced” frequency from the perspective of in a way “standing out” as well as together as a specific “type” of back-chat in relation to this point that “stood alone” or could be seen as having unique characteristics that I related to the point of bullying.
I have found so far as I have been walking through this first section of back-chat that the point of “Victimization” is not always evident or prominent and I am more having to “look for it” and see if/how this relates to the point of victimization, though I have decided to walk all the back-chat I found even though I am finding some of the back-chat statements do not always relate to the point of victimization as clearly and definitively as others.
I am continuing here with the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrections on the back-chat dimension.
Back-chat – “All This Stuff Is Stressing Me Out”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the back-chat within me “all this stuff is stressing me out” which I see is a statement that supports my disempowerment, not my self empowerment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the inner back-chat statement within myself “All this stuff is stressing me out” where in doing this I am only perpetuating my experience of stress instead of stopping myself and directing myself to sort out that which is stressing me out, where in for instance taking the first steps necessary in moving myself from accepting and allowing myself to exist within a state of “everything stressing me out” to “me practically supporting myself to stabilize myself and take responsibility for my experience and my world within and as a point of Self Responsibility and “Action” where I utilize and apply the tools I have like for instance writing to stabilize myself to the best of my ability, instead of simply participating with the back-chat statement “all this stuff is stressing me out” and so to within myself start to identify specifically in words each point that is fuelling and “causing” my experience and to write out in detail the nature of each point and to within this assist and support myself to understand how I am existing within this point of “all this stuff is stressing me out” so that I can take responsibility for myself within this point and stop such an experience and statement of myself as “all this stuff is stressing me out” and so
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within the back-chat statement “ all this stuff is stressing me out” where in I am only perpetuating my accepted and allowed experience of stress, instead of directing myself to take responsibility for myself and my experience by directing me to utilizing the tools I have available to me to Stop myself from continuing in my experience of “feeing stressed out” and moving myself into a point of Self Support, where I direct me to “taking that first step” that is required in facing the what sometimes seems like a mountain of chaos, and so I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to participate in the statement “all this stuff is stressing me out” but rather to when and as I see this statement coming up within me to stop and breathe and assist and support myself to sit down and write out in detail my experience and each/all parts components of my life / my self that is “stressing me out” starting with one singular point and then moving on from there where I utilize writing as a tool to support me to stabilize myself within and as myself and no more just accepting and allowing my experience to overwhelm me which I do within speaking the back-chat statement “all this stuff is stressing me out”
I commit myself to stop victimizing myself in relation to my experience where one way I do this is through and as statements that in no way direct and/or support me to Empower me to take Responsibility for myself and my experience but just leave me/align me to remain/exist “stuck” in my accepted and allowed experience, with no directive principle, instead of me taking practical steps to Align myself with Self Direction and Self Responsibility so that I am able to Direct myself in each and every moment no more accepting and allowing “my experience” to direct/influence/overpower/contol me where I have accepted myself to exist as disempowered and/or victimized in relation to certain emotional/feeling reaction experiences, and so here I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop my ability to actually “sort out” my inner turmoil’s/ experiences/stresses/emotions and feeligs that come up within and as me within waking/facing my world/reality / different situations of my world/reality, and thus assisting and supporting me to be able to stand equal to any and all experiences that come up within/as me where I am no more a Victim unable to do anything about it but am able to direct them/myself to stand Here and stable within and as myself assisting and supporting myself to develop effective self-stability and inner silence within me as my process of essentially “getting control of myself so that I am no more being directed by my inner experiences where “I am the victim” as “I have victimized myself” within this and so thus assisting and supporting myself to develop Self Stability and Inner silence where I am supporting me to stop my mind and get myself grounded to here and physical practical self expression.
I will continue exploring the back-chat dimension of the Victimization Character within my next blog
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