Today I am continuing on from where I left off in day 201, which was applying Self Forgiveness on the first fear I identified in the fear dimension. This in relation to the point of where I will “lose faith” in myself and what I am doing, looking specifically here at when this happen in relation to me doing art, where I have noticed/seen a prominent experience coming up of where I will in a moment “completely lose faith” like the breath being taken out of me when/as I have been directing/moving myself within making Art, where then comes up all the thoughts/justifications/back-chat etc, in relation to “why this is a waste of time” or “I am not good enough” so here investigating the various dimensions/contexts of “how” and “why” I will experience this “losing faith” point.
-fear that I am not smart enough to do intricate paintings that I see others have done, and thus that “I will never get it”
I Commit myself to when and as I see the fear coming up of me thinking/believing myself to be “not smart enough” to be effective with paintings and making them good enough or dynamic enough, I stop and I breath. I in such moments take a breath and assist and support myself to remain here within the physical within the understanding that “things take time to develop” as I can see for myself as I Have illustrated and am continuing to illustrate to myself within my Journey To Life blogs which took nearly 200 blogs before I found a point stability starting to emerge in my writing, and so in HERE have given me the perfect Guideline to reference in terms of how much Time and Attention must be given to a point within consistent dedicated application before the point start to emerge as an effective point. I see/realize/understand that I have only just begun again with practicing/applying myself within painting, and have only done a few paintings so far, and so, when and as this point of fear come up within me of “fearing that I am not smart enough” I simply breathe and let the point go as I will first have to do at least 200 paintings as practical physical measuring point of my ability within this point, and so really here to remember to be patient and to also develop a consistent application in this point as the proven guidline I have given myself through my “journey to life” blogs as an effective approach to implement/walk within taking on a point/task/project that I would like to “become effective” at and yield results with depth and substance.
I commit myself to assist and support myself daily with reading and writing, and within this expanding my capacity and ability within these process’s so to take my life into my own hands so to speak, where instead of giving up on myself and saying to myself “I can’t do it” or “I am not smart enough” I simply do what is more practical and common sensical and I move myself within the such tasks/processes in a committed way that will produce results where I am actually improving me within my capacity/effectiveness as a living being, both in the physical and mental facilities that constitute a well rounded human being that is effective in ones expression on earth and capacity to be able to contribute to what is best for all living an rich and fulfilling life.
Ok so another point/aspect of this “fear dimension” that I am noticing within me is related to an anticipation/excitement I have within myself within walking this point. Its like I have this excitement within myself in relation to walking the point of Art. Its quite a BIG Excitement that in a way I am suppressing because if I really look within myself. This “Excitement” I experience within me in relation to walking the point of painting is quite overwhelming. But yet I am NOT Living this, meaning I am not applying myself in a way that “I really want to” Meaning like really dedicating myself to this point, which is where I see my excitement is. This Excitement also exist as a form of a Question.
What is Possible?
What am I capable of?
In terms of considering what is possible within the point of ART. I Really do have a CURIOSITY about this, yet it is more than just a curiosity, it is like a Burning Curiosity to explore, investigate, delve deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep into this point. But the point that I have noticed is that I am NOT Living this Burning Curiosity, meaning I am not Exploring and Discovering this Curiosity, its like its still “out there” so to speak. Now with regards to the fear. I can see the point of fearing never getting to really explore and delve deep into this point, and bring through what I see is capable…that I see I am capable of. So this is like a fear of missing out – A fear of missing out on What I am Capable of! On what I am capable of Living Expression. Though I do see here also that this Living and Expressing does not have to be only in relation to art, though what I am seeing is that this point is triggered or comes up in relation to ART.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “fear missing out on living” where I fear that I will not LIVE that which I am capable of LIVING. Where this FEAR becomes a part of my Daily Living Experience of Myself, particularly when/if I am not FULLY applying myself within my Daily Application of Living to my Utmost potential.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on living to my utmost potential each day, where I have accepted and allowed myself to “give up on this” which is able to be lived by myself through by Dedicating Myself to every moment of every day, where instead what has happened to me is I have in a way given up on myself, given up on “bothering to try” or even “remembering to try” meaning I have in a way “lost sight” of what it means to live to ones utmost potential, this lost sight indicated by a general apathy and lethargy of and as me as I get myself out of bed each morning where it becomes “just another day” instead utilizing each day as an opportunity to dedicate myself to Life and Living in the specific various applications that I am walking/applying myself in.
I commit myself to when ever I see or experience this “fear of missing out living to what I am capable of” coming up within me, to in such moments, look within myself and see check to see if this fear has a basis from the perspective of where such fear could “have legs” or “get its roots into” those parts/aspects/points of my living that I have not yet in fact aligned/directed into assisting and supporting me to live to my utmost potential, and thus I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application and living, move myself into a practical self movement where No such fear, as the “fear of missing out on living to my utmost potential” could have any room to take root, as it would be clear to me in and as Self Honesty that I am utilizing the full potential of me each day.
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