This blog is a continuation of the following blogs
Doubt – Further Explorations – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 195
Exploring How I Create Self Doubt – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 194
Sudden Surges of Anxiety/Fear – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 193
Sinking into Heaviness – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 192
Aligning My Expression with the Physical – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 191
Stepping Out of Track – An Artists Journey To Life Day 190
Tonight I am continuing with looking at the “Reaction Dimension” of my “Artist Character”
The specific reaction that I am going to be exploring is “Impossibility”
I see this point of ‘impossibility’ to be an extension of the reaction of doubt.
It is more like my doubt specifically defined as ‘impossibility’ like making this point will be a ‘long shot’
I have always felt / experienced myself like this point of Art will be a ‘long shot’.
Like that the odds were against me and it was unlikely in terms of an ‘odds’ perspective yet I had a faith in myself and my ability to make the point work. Yet there was a level of ‘hope’ that I held onto. I remember after I graduated and I was renting a place and I had a studio that I worked in and my plan of “being an artist” was not coming together as quickly as I’d hoped and wanted, that it was like I was always looking at a kind of “last case scenario” type thing where I would take one possible point that I could find that “just might work” and I would hold onto that point, and use this to fuel my Art. It was like a tiny glimmer at the end of the tunnel, and I would fixate on that point and just keep going even though practically speaking the ‘odds’ I was working with was quite unbalanced from the perspective that it became more like I would need a miracle to have things work out. So there was Rarely any certainty or stability within my endeavours as an Artist. The math was never adding up in my favour, yet I continued pushing ahead simply seeing this as adversity which I must overcome. I remember I used to look at this point from the perspective that I would need to work twice as hard and as long than people who worked “normal jobs” if I was going to make any money doing this. So this was my ‘mentality’ so to speak, that I will have to work twice as hard and working way longer hours than ‘normal people’ to have this point, and so in a way here had developed an idea that “it was more difficult to “make it” as an Artist. That the competition was more fierce.
But I am still not seeing here how I created this experience within myself where I feel like this point is never going to work. This experience is like, as I move myself within the point, there is within me in the center of my torso like this feeling that “Its not going work” that “its just not!”
This is like expecting a point of failure.
I see that I accept and allow this experience to direct/influence me within this point. Where it becomes easy to give up, easy to come to the conclusion “this is not going to work” easy to give up when things don’t seem to be moving anywhere, where the back-chat start coming up, “see, I knew it”. “I knew this wasn’t going to work”
So this doubt reaction, along with the point of ‘impossibility’ and feeling like it is a ‘long shot’ and also feeling like this point is headed towards inevitable failure, I see that these points are actually related to my beliefs about Art in itself. Like a deep seeded belief that “Art will never work as an occupation” I have touched on this point before earlier in my writings on this point, And I am seeing now that my doubt/impossibility/inevitable failure/longshot reaction is related to the particular Skill/Industry that I am working within, where I have created/accepted that “it will be impossible to make in this industry”
I had a quite a few discussions with “Y” around the point of Art. I see that during this time, I was looking to “Y” for an answer. Though “Y” would never give me the Answer that I wanted to hear, which was – “YES Art is the perfect choice, do that and you will succeed.” That never came up. Though I wish it did. I see also that I formed a belief that Art was a waste of time during this period. I basically solidified the idea that I will never be doing this point, and it will never work. And so in a way I gave it up while I was there. I still continued doing this in my spare time but was not something I looked at at all as a career. I know that “Y” never explicitly said that art will or will not work. But I more tended to interpret what was said and more continued to form my idea that “Art will Never work” It was like I just wanted to have the point done with. I could not bare to string it along as some potential point.
I remember watching my “Z” one morning getting ready for work. He looked so miserable, I remember thinking to myself on numerous occasions that I will never work a job that I hate. Obviously I did not consider what “hate” was at that point, I thought “Z’s” experience was “because of his job” I did not consider the greater equation so to speak of what actually went into that experience that he had towards his job.
I remember “X” used to go to LA and do recordings with a producer there. He was very excited about everything and he and his band recorded an entire album, He was excited about it. But eventually things settled down and things just went back to how they always were around our house. The “Plan” did not work out like what I perceived him working towards. Its like there was this kind of build up taking place and the potential for Money, Money, Money to come from it. But this did not work out all, and eventually things just settled down. There was no real breakthrough. There was NEVER that breakthrough.
I see that I in a way have created this similar “breakthrough” expectation. Like that suddenly, eventually I will breakthrough and get the point working. But I fear that this will never come. Its like I feel sick with fear that its not ever going to work. Its like I have developed this idea that if there are no breakthroughs then something is wrong, then things are not working out or will never work out.
Ok I am going to stop here tonight.
I am still not certain as to
Why I have this “impending failure” experience within the point of doing Art in terms of having it ever amount to anything with any financial return, and why it is that “I know it is just not going to work”
I will continue exploring and investigating this point in my next blog.
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