This is a continuation of the following blog posts
Sudden Surges of Anxiety/Fear – An Artists Journey To Life – Day 193
Sinking into Heaviness – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 192
Aligning My Expression with the Physical – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 191
Stepping Out of Track – An Artists Journey To Life Day 190
Sorting out my Past Perceptions about Myself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 189
Finding Excuses to Hold Back – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 188
Disrupting My Attention – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 187
Subtly Blaming My Genetics – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186
In my blog today I am continuing with looking at the specific reactions within the Reaction Dimension of my “Artist Character” basically where I am exploring/investigating the “Character” that I have lived out throughout my life in relation to my Art, where I will look at the various aspects of this point of Art, from money to the actual creation side of making art where within this I will investigating my entire Artist Character so to assist and support myself to Correct myself within this point and Assist and Support myself to Align my living to that which is best for All, and thus no more doing art and living out my Artist Character within the nature of Self Interest.
So the specific reaction I am going to look at/apply self forgiveness on today is “doubt” looking at doubt within the context of the initial fear that I started with of which is the “fear I won’t be able to/ know how to do it because of my past, because I have never been really successful at something, which is what I would want to be in relation to Selling my art, and I see that this ‘fear’ is thus pertaining to money specifically, and my fear that I don’t have the “know how” in how to become successful within this point”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into doubt when I start to look at within myself “if I will be able to walk this point of art effectively or not” where what occur is I actually start looking/exploring within my imagination / my past in terms of what I have done/accomplished with regards to art, and how past experiences of My Success and Failure in art and things related to art may influence my ability or in a way would determine my ability within this point this time around, where in looking at all this and projecting into the future what might happen with this point, I start to go into self doubt, where I start to feel anxious within myself and doubting my ability because there is just like so many things to consider and so much that may or may not happen.
I see here that this experience that I have described what I understand to be a mind experience where what I am describing is a process of where I am in a way flooded with images/pictures as past memories/ possible future playouts / fantasies where its like all of this come flooding up within myself and I become overwhelmed and that this contribute to my experience of self doubt where self doubt become the end result reaction I end up within. Thus I commit myself to remember to breathe and focus on what I am able to do simplistically within my immediate environment that will be a direct physical action I can take to move/practically apply myself in a way that contribute to the development of setting up this art point in how I have planned and see is some of the practical points which I require to direct myself in.
I see here that I am lacking self trust within myself in walking this point. It is quite extreme really in terms of how much I doubt myself within this.
I commit myself to investigate how it is that I could have manifested myself into such an extreme state/reaction of Self Doubt, where I have absolutely not trust in me or in what I am doing where if feel often like I have not solid grounding to stand on – Especially when it comes to the money side of things.
I commit myself to investigate my relationship with Money as I see that allot of my doubt is in relation to this aspect of this Art point being viable or not. I see/realize/understand that I have more trust within my ability to make the art than to sell the art, and so I commit myself to investigate why I have no trust in myself when it comes to “selling art” where even writing that phrase “selling art” I go into fear/have an inner reaction towards.
I see/realize/understand that the money component of this equation that I am exploring/putting together in terms of making this art point a viable point for me to apply myself within in terms of generating money / making a living – that this money component is where I experience the most uncertainty and doubt myself the most and have the most fear around, and is the part of the equation where I fear/believe the entire point will fall apart, and so I even fear looking at the point in detail, opening it up and going into it to investigate/see where and how on the one side this point exist within me in terms of my pre-existent relationship to money, and secondly if/how this “money component of the equation I am working on in terms of selling art is in fact viable, and have I investigated/understood this part of the equation effectively enough or is there something else I can do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this point will not work out now, in terms of money, because it did not work out in the past, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to insist that this is going to be like it was in the past or at least similar to how it was in the past, within this not allowing myself to see/realize/understand that things are different now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a rush of fear in relation to the statement “things are different now” because this is exactly what I used to say and believe in the past as well and things were never different.
I see/realize/understand that things will only be different if I actually change me completely in terms of what I accept and allow myself to live. And that I am in a position to do this, though I must understand that I will in fact have to “change myself” from the perspective that if I accept and allow myself to exist within and participate with how I did in the past, than I will just create that exact point all over again, and so I commit myself to assist and support myself to within my writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application actually change me for real, and to within my commitment and walking of this change to realize that Self Trust only step forth within real proven change, and so have a guideline here also in terms of how I can assist and support myself to develop self trust and thus stop existing within my reaction state of self doubt, and that is to Walk / LIVE the Practical Correction with regards to for instance this Point that I am walking at the moment within utilizing Art as a Medium to Develop Self Stability in the System in terms of money, where in this I must Physically move myself within this point in a Direct way, focusing on and setting up the necessary relationships that facilitate the flow/movement of money as an integral primary part of this equation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically doubt myself this time around within what I am planning and walking/preparing to walk with art, where this doubt exist as a kind of initial reaction point that immediately come up within looking at / walking / preparing to walk this point where its like I just think to myself “there is no way I can do this” Basing this mostly on how things have gone so far for me within this point, where all I want to do here is just give up, and just give into the experience/reaction of doubt, and the certainty I experience that I will fail.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that my doubt is more like a certainty within myself, A certainty that I will fail, where I just think within myself “there is no way this is going to work”
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I never sit down and write out this point in detail, looking at and investigating all the components and how I have ‘arrived’ at such a position/experience of doubt, that I will just continue going on in doubt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into self doubt if I am not able to see how a point will play out in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with doubt and uncertainty within starting out with this endeavour because there is still many points I must walk and apply, and that within myself I haven’t yet developed the ability or understood how to remain stable within my “Here” when I am facing a point/path that I do not know exactly how it will play out.
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