This is a continuation of the following blog posts
Aligning My Expression with the Physical – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 191
Stepping Out of Track – An Artists Journey To Life Day 190
Sorting out my Past Perceptions about Myself – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 189
Finding Excuses to Hold Back – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 188
Disrupting My Attention – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 187
Subtly Blaming My Genetics – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186
It Seems So Easy in my Mind. – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 185
Paralysed by My Fear of People Seeing Me Fail – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 184
Ok I am going to continue with this particular point that I writing out here with regards to my Artist Character. I really wanted to abandon writing about this point and start completely over again, but I am going to rather stick with it and I will start with a new point when I have gotten through this one the best I can.
So I going to continue with the “Reaction Dimension”
To recap, I took the approach of just placing down one singular fear that came up within me in relation to me “walking this art point” and then opened up the different various dimensions from there.
And so I will continue with my Reaction Dimension that opened up from the first initial fear that I placed as “when it comes to selling art, one of the fears which comes up within me is “fear I won’t be able to/ know how to do it because of my past, because I have never been really successful at something, which is what I would want to be in relation to Selling my art, and I see that this ‘fear’ is thus pertaining to money specifically, and my fear that I don’t have the “know how” in how to become successful within this point”
Anxiety in my chest
I feel that it won’t happen – inevitable failure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a heaviness within me as the reaction dimension of myself in relation to the fear I have of failing in my art due to me believing that “I just won’t know how to do it” where eventually I reach that point where things will slow up and get stuck and I will fail.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself into a state of ‘paralysis’ as a complete reactive state where I kind of sink into a depression within myself as the experience of me failing where I become really heavy within myself and just sink down into this heaviness, the more I think about what may happen in the future with this art point and fearing/believing that my failure is an ABSOLUTE inevitability, and so the more I sink into my reactive state/dimension of me the more I believe all of the thoughts/back-chats running in my mind because they become more real it seems as I start to experience all kinds of reactions, in this case negatively charged reactions to due believing that I will fail at this point, that there is nothing I can do to change that, and then so starting to believe this/believe my back-chat more and more and in this stop trying and just give into my experience of “I will fail” where I sink down into a kind of depression and heaviness within myself where it is seemingly more difficult to move like I am covered in a heavy heavy tar that weighs on my body and makes my movements slow an difficult.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that It is not necessary for me to participate with, and thus experience this reaction, and that I haven’t realized that I am the one creating this experience for myself that has become like routine, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe has power and control over me.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize and take my responsibility for my reaction dimension here and in this assist and support myself to NOT go into my reaction dimension but remaining here as breath/breathing instead of sinking down into the heaviness experience where it feels like I have a heavy thick gooy TAR over me that makes me heavy and makes it difficult to move my limbs because they are weighed down by this heavy black tar.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel powerless and defenceless against my reactions, where I feel like it does not matter what I do or say, I will always get trapped in this “reaction” dimension where I sink down into the heavy depression state in relation to this point of art within the context of believing that I will fail within this endeavour.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to face my “Reaction Dimension” of myself in where I no more accept and allow myself to try to run and try to hide from or suppress my reactions that come up in relation to and as this Fear of Failure within this point I am walking, but instead I commit myself to Face this Point in and as Breath, and utilizing the practical tools of writing, and self forgiveness along with breathing to assist and support myself to stabilize myself within this myself in and as this reaction dimension so that I eventually am able to stand Here and Clear and no more going into my “heavy depression state” reaction that comes up within as a kind of heaviness within my body in relation to “fearing failing at this point of Art”, and so within this I commit myself to assist and support myself to Align myself to a clear and stable practical application as I see/realize/understand that I do not Have to participate within my “reaction dimension” that I have become so accustomed/programmed/conditioned to participate in which I see as why I continue repeating this experience over and over again, because “its normal” to me and has become routine, and so I commit myself to Establish a New Routine where I simply stand – breath – direct and live here and not going there into my emotional reactive states, particularly in relation to this “fear of Failure” Reaction state that I have literally become addicted to due to how routinely I allow myself to go into this experience, and so within this I assist and support myself to stop myself from existing as a slave to energy and my reactions, and Stabilize myself here in and as the Physical as a Self Directive Being, and thus stop bogging myself down in energy experiences that completely possess me where I become infused with certain reactions that completely influence my total expression/living.
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