This Blog is a continuation of the previous blogs where I have been delving into having a look at how I have defined myself as an Artist, and looking at the various personalities/characters that I have lived in relation to this point.
Finding Excuses to Hold Back – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 188
Disrupting My Attention – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 187
Subtly Blaming My Genetics – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186
It Seems So Easy in my Mind. – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 185
Paralysed by My Fear of People Seeing Me Fail – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 184
Believing The Road of ART Always Leads to Failure – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 183
Its to late to learn that Now – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 182
The “Isolated” Artist – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 181
You Can Only Ignore Something So Long Before it Bites You – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 180
Can I Walk Away in My Next Breath – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 179
Fear of Not Meeting Your Expectations – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 178
The Fears of The “Starving Artist” (Self Corrections) – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 177
Mental Instability VS Physical Stability : An Artists Journey To Life: Day 176
Making a Living with Art/Being an Artist- An Artists Journey To Life: Day 175
The Religion of $elf – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 174
Here I am continuing with the Self Forgiveness on the “Back-Chat Dimension” of my Artist Character that I created/existed/programmed as myself within my life, looking specifically here at the point of “fearing that I will fail” because of not having ever done what I am intending/planning to do, where in essence I am making the statement that I require/need a past memory or reference of ‘already having done it’ in my life at some point to be able to succeed at that point now. Where in this I am also looking specifically at “the money aspect” of it, and also fearing that due to not having a past history of “making allot of money” that this will lead to inevitable failure because I have not already conditioned/programmed myself to be effective within the above mentioned points – Thus here also implying that “I am less than my conditioning and powerless to my conditioning”. And also implying here a self accepted belief that I am not able to change, because becoming effective within this point of Supporting myself with my Art implies an ACTUAL Self Change.
Back-Chat: I am not qualified.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dis-empower myself through and as the back-chat statement “I am not qualified” speaking/making such a statement within the context of being effective within the business side / money making side of Art.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself extensively within this point of Utilizing my Skill within Art to generate income where I have insisted over and over again to myself that “There is no way anybody can make money with/through Art” and within such an insistence and repeating this over and over have engrained this idea/belief into me and so now thus when ever I consider or approach this point, I go into absolute doubt due to having constantly spoken this back-chat of “there is no way anybody can make money with/through Art” over and over again within me, where I have actually lived this statement within my life, and have not yet lived the statement of “one is able to make money with Art”
Ok so I have moved here into a different back-chat point, as when I look at this point of “not being qualified” what immediately came up within me is this point of how I believe that “Art in itself is Flawed”. I had previously looked at this point also and am again seeing this point come up quite prominently within me at the moment so am going to open this up a bit more and see what’s here.
So I am seeing here that it is not really about qualification actually, but more about the actual “Substance” of the point of Art in itself where I see that I am accepting the standpoint that “Art will not work” Like “Art in itself is flawed” where I am carrying around this idea within me that “Art will NOT work as a stable product/point to sell” that “it will fall”.
So in terms of the “Art” side of things, I do see myself as Qualified, though I also see that I still have Judgements about myself and my art that I will have to write out as well, to in fact support me to get clear on these points so that I am not in Self Judgement towards my Art. Now in terms of this initial point of “now being qualified” I see that this is more within the context of my “success rate” as an Effective Sales Person, which I see myself as “not qualified in” particularly I see here a fear point coming up in relation to the fact that “I have nothing to go by” meaning its no so much that I see myself as incapable within this application of sales, but that I doubt myself because I have nothing to ground this point in as I have never really walked this point, and so I see that there is doubt stemming from this dimension of things. So
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and doubt in relation to my “qualifications” of “being a sales man” in relation to selling Art, due to my past experiences with this where I perceived and defined myself as BAD at this, and actually feeling as if I really did try, and so this cause FEAR within me and the back-chat of “What if I did try and just failed because I am really just bad at sales/selling my art”, and then now also go into thinking about “what if my art was just not good” and so now when I approach this point now, have this underlining fear/belief that “I am just bad at this (selling art) and that this will cause the demise and failure of this point, along with also the point that “maybe my art is bad” where I have actually one foot standing in each point at the same time where it is like a double fuck up where I have left myself within a point of uncertainty essentially doubting myself at my ability to Sell, and Sell My Art, and also Doubting MY Art as being good/effective enough to sale, this experience/opinion having been constructed based on my past and how I lived/walked “My Artist Character” previously in my life/past, which I am now accepting and allowing to “Haunt” me so to speak, or at least determine/influence my experience of myself as I am Here walking the point of exploring/investigating/applying ways to utilize my Art to generate income.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I need a business degree” to be good at sales, and that in relation to this idea, I haven’t learned hardly anything about sales and so that “I don’t have the right training or foundation to take on this point for myself within selling my Art” So this is related to the Aspect/Dimension of me believing that I am bad a sales in relation to art which I see I have created as a belief within myself in relation to my past ongoings within this point of living out my Artist Character, where then the other side of the coin is that “my art is not good enough” which I have also nurtured as a belief about myself/my art.
I will in my next blog continue with the Self Corrective Statements.
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