This Blog is a continuation of the previous blogs where I have been delving into having a look at how I have defined myself as an Artist, and looking at the various personalities/characters that I have lived in relation to this point.
Disrupting My Attention – Self Corrections – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 187
Subtly Blaming My Genetics – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 186
It Seems So Easy in my Mind. – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 185
Paralysed by My Fear of People Seeing Me Fail – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 184
Believing The Road of ART Always Leads to Failure – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 183
Its to late to learn that Now – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 182
The “Isolated” Artist – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 181
You Can Only Ignore Something So Long Before it Bites You – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 180
Can I Walk Away in My Next Breath – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 179
Fear of Not Meeting Your Expectations – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 178
The Fears of The “Starving Artist” (Self Corrections) – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 177
Mental Instability VS Physical Stability : An Artists Journey To Life: Day 176
Making a Living with Art/Being an Artist- An Artists Journey To Life: Day 175
The Religion of $elf – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 174
Today as I was sitting down to read a fear came up within me in relation to the point I am busy writing out here in my blogs. I suddenly had the thought/back-chat emerge within me “what if I am kidding myself and what if I have over-looked something and that I am completely blinding myself from seeing the actual practicality of this point where what if in ‘truth’ this point is Not going to work” It was kind of like a “sudden realization” kind of things where I thought – “What if that which I think is going to be how all this goes, does NOT go as planned at all, and I end up standing at the end of the line with no options and nothing left to do after I have tested this point and find it doesn’t work.” As I sat down to write tonight I still experienced the “fear/energy” that came up within me in that moment sitting there ‘realizing’ “what if this doesn’t work”. My old boss sent me a text and asked if I wanted to work for a couple days in the coming week. I went quite quickly into fear when I got this text, and my back-chat was speaking “what if I am supposed to do this”, “I am lying to myself if I say no” and so basically I started to look at this point of “if I should work the coming 2 days”. I noticed Allot of fear within me in relation to saying no. “Fearing that there is a reason that he texted me” like “there is something that is going to come up in the future where ‘I will be sorry’ if I say no”. I noticed that I was afraid to say no, and the fear of not having money was driving me to make a decision. And then that is about the time the fear came up within me about this Art point falling completely flat.
So for now I am going to continue with the Self Forgiveness on the “Back-Chat” in relation to fearing that I won’t be able to make money within this point because this is not something that I done in my past.
“I am not good with money”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being “not good with money” and actually hold myself to this definition.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to honestly believe that “I am not good with money” and not seeing myself as capable or smart enough to learn this skill, but believing that simply, I am Not good with this point and that is that.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure within the point of generating income with my Art, to the degree where resistance comes up when ever I start moving closer to actually engaging in relationships where MONEY is the core of those relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear/believe that things will just turn out like they always do, and so when ever I get close to actually embarking on placing/establishing the necessary “money points/relationships” I start to pull back, and go into thinking and imagining about it instead of Directing myself from physically implementing it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the more I hold back the more I am giving myself the opportunity to entertain fears and hopes, instead of physically engaging the system and in this trusting ACTUAL REAL TIME FEEDBACK that can be physically measured and tracked and thus to base my decisions on this real physical feedback, instead of what I create in my head as pictures, memories, imaginings, feelings, emotions, fears.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am doubting myself before I receive actual physical feedback, and thus I see that my doubt is not based on anything real but only exist as a feeling trying to convince me its real that has not practical physical context that can be reliable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump back and forth between the good and the bad where one minute in my mind everything is working great and all my decisions where correct, and in the next moment nothing is working and all my decisions were incorrect, where none of this, the positive or negative is based on anything real.
I commit myself to implement the necessary physical points so that I can get some realtime feedback where I the sooner the better, so to assist and support myself to have some real time feedback with which to make my assessments on and then thus accordingly Align, and Refine.
I see that my experience I had today as well as the doubts I have within myself in relation to and as the back-chat “I am not good with money” only have a contextual basis in the MIND, and that when actually looking at and considering and assessing real physical feedback these experiences/back-chats will simply will no longer have anything to substantiate them, which at the moment I see I am still allowing myself to do by holding back within getting the necessary physical points that I require to implement, implemented where I am more taking the approach of “just holding off as long as possible” where I see/realize/understanding this “approach” of “just holding off a little longer and as long as possible” before I actually have to engage the point is a FEAR Approach, and so I commit myself to stop Stop my accepted and allowed “inner approach” to this point where in I will tell myself “I have lots of time” meanwhile actually subtly “holding back” due to fear which I cover up with telling myself “I have lots of time”. And so I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to “hold back” and rather take a more DIRECT approach to getting this point I am busy with now up and LIVE as there is NO actual reason for me to be holding back at this stage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at all the ways and times in my life where I “have failed with money” particularly where I have failed with money in relation to ART and use this past memories/moments to validate the back-chat “I am not good with money” where in trusting such back-chat and being influenced by such back-chat I am accepting and allowing myself to follow pre-programming that does not Support me or Support what is best for all, and so
I commit myself to assist and support myself to within writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application Align myself with Living HERE in and as Breath, doing that which is within my hands/power to effectively support myself within my life, including giving specific detailed and focused attention and direction to this Art point within the context of learning how to make this point work within the context of the current money system in an effective way as a viable income source, instead of just accepting my Pre-Programmed Artist Character that I have created/constructed in my past that has proven to be of no support as how I lived this Character Previously and ended up not being able to sustain myself particularly financially, and so eventually the Art stopped as well as there was no more money to fund the point. And So I commit myself to Identify ALL the Characteristics of my Old Life Artist Character to ensure that I do not simply step/fall into this Character and start automatically living it out, but that I Walk the Art point this time around based on Directive Principle considering what is effective within the money system and what is best for all.
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