I am still feeling bad because I abandon the writing out of my Artist Character – This actually I see is a point that I have really struggled with in terms of my ability within writing. I am sure that this extends to other aspects parts of my life but I find it is a much more prominent point particularly within writing.
What occurs is that at times when I am writing, I will find that I start getting overwhelmed and feeling trapped and constricted by what I am writing. I feel like “I am missing the point” or just not getting to the point the way I had hoped/wanted. And then I end up getting to a point where everything seems like such a mess that all I want to do is start over again from scratch. Sometimes when I delete things that I have written I experience a relief within myself, like a burden off my back. So my latest attempt at writing out my Artist Character turned into this exact experience where as I get into the writing and write more and more on the point, I experience myself becoming heavier within myself and this burden starting to grow and that this experience of heaviness becomes more and more with each word/sentence I write. So its like instead of writing and letting go, I experience the point to be more growing and becoming more where instead of actually supporting myself within releasing a certain point with self forgiveness, I am actually adding to it and making it more which is the opposite of what I am wanting to do. And so this exact scenario has occurred recently within writing out my Artist Character. Then I get STUCK, and I don’t know whether to push through or just cut all ties and start again. Sometimes I will write 10 to 15 pages and just want it all to disappear because it weighs as such a burden on me. I then experience frustration because I want to support myself in my writings and get to know myself but what seems to end up happening is I end up creating an inner turmoil within myself as my experience due to feeling like I am not hitting on the points that I am wanting or that I am not effectively organizing myself and getting things sorted out so that It is clear. I end up questioning what I am doing and wondering if there was a better way to do it. Its like I seem to be jumping all over within my mind in terms of laying out the various Character dimensions. Lol as I think about/debate whether or not I should continue with working on my Artist Character I experience pain in my back, like a straining / tension in my back as well as a headache forming in the back of my head.
When I last left off writing about my Artist Character, I was looking specifically at the point of Selling Art.
What I am going to do here is take One Point of Fear and Start with that, instead of listing off ALL my fears about this point, which I identified as one of the reasons I experienced so much overwhelmnent – because I just got lost in all the fears and various different points I was listing off in each dimension and so this time around I am simply going to start with ONE point within the Fear Dimension and then from here move on and look at its corresponding point within the next dimension (thought) and then walk through the different dimensions of a Character in this way, just working with one point within one dimension at a time. (or in some cases a few, but keeping it more to a minimum than going for the max)
Ok so when it comes to selling art, one of the fears which comes up within me is “fear I won’t be able to/ know how to do it because of my past, because I have never been really successful at something, which is what I would want to be in relation to Selling my art, and I see that this ‘fear’ is thus pertaining to money specifically, and my fear that I don’t have the “know how” in how to become successful within this point.
The thought that I see that correlates to this fear is I see my past, like it is me looking at / scanning my past and just seeing kind of like a blur, like nothing really standing out in terms of me being really highly successful with something. Like a consistency and steadiness within my life related to actually my “lack of money” or there was not really any moments/times in my life where I become very successful at something – particularly within the context of “The System” which mean pointedly a Monetary Reward.
See image of myself in a business suit as well as others in business suits.
See a picture of the first drawings I sold and the man that bought them
See myself back doing something else like working a labour job.
I have No Experience (with success at money)
I am not good with money
I have Never done this before / been successful with money
I am not qualified
Oh well, not much I can do
I wish I had the knowledge
Sinking/Dropping experience within me
Disappointment (stop dead in my tracks inside myself)
Anxiety in my chest
I feel that it won’t happen – inevitable failure
My body slumps more
Lips purse together a slight bit more and pull to one side and start forming a frown
The Consequence is that I don’t actually ever “Learn How” or develop the skills, and knowledge to be effective with this point, but just stop at the point of “I have not experience in making money” and never walk/direct myself to in fact learn the points for myself by Living this aspect point and thus educating myself within doing this. So the Consequence is that I do not teach myself how when I am in fact capable of doing so.
In my next blog I will continue with applying self forgiveness on each of the dimensions that I have laid out here…
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