This blog is a continuation from the previous posts:
Today I talked to a government official on the phone in regards to a program that I have applied for. There is still some points about the program that are not through yet, and that if this program does not work out then my plan to set up the whole art point will change. I started to experience allot of anxiety today and “fear of this not working out” I experienced it like a “dark pit” inside me just above my stomach area, in the the front and back of my body. I was thinking “this is not going to work out” and “this is too good to be true” “This will never work out” I became quite possessed by this fear that something would go wrong and I would not qualify for the program that is essential in a way to walk the plan I have of setting up this art point/shop.
I see within this still an “attachment” to the plan I have laid out for myself. Instead of breathing and walking in breath and simply taking things day by day no matter what happens, and either way doing what needs to be done. There is like this nagging inside of me going “This isn’t going to work” “you are kidding yourself” “Don’t kid yourself” “you are lying to yourself” It is like the Character that Always fears the worst case scenario being the way things will play-out.
I experience myself as if I am doing something that I should not be doing. I experience myself as trying to cheat and just get my own way and have my piece of comfort. I fear the consequences I will have to face for the way that I am living/have lived. The consequences being the Equal and One Play Outs related to the relationships that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and so I Fear that I will be derailed by my own consequences, I fear that this point will not work out, its like I am driving on a track and am constantly looking ahead attempting to peer around the upcoming corner hoping that there isn’t something else coming the other way that I will collide with, and at the same time expecting this to happen. This is obviously indicating a lack of awareness in terms of the actual flow-out of my actions. Where I am existing in a form of hoping instead of deliberate direct actions knowing exactly the play-out that will occur, so that I do not have to keep trying to see “what’s coming” due to having no idea of “what’s coming to me” because I have not been HERE in every breath as I live my life therefore am not aware of the consequences as Direct Re-actions Equal and One to my Actions. So ultimately what I am looking at here is Self Deliberateness from the perspective of being sure of What I am Creating with my Daily Actions. And also Self Hereness from the perspective of ensuring that I am HERE as I direct myself within my day to be SURE and CERTAIN that I am creating myself/my world in a way that is PRACTICALY feasible within the Context of ensuring that I have my Base Support points in place, like for instance Money, Food, Job, Etc.
I find that there is this point of fear that comes up within me allot regarding the practical side of reality where I experience this fear that “I have forgotten something” that “I have missed some point somewhere” that is going to come out of the woodwork to bite me hard. And in this is haunting me.
So I have been ‘Haunted’ by this point today.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live fully here in Self Honesty in Full Awareness of my actions/non-actions as the way I live in every moment, and to in and as Full Self Awareness, Direct myself within and as Self Responsibility so that I do not have to always exist in fear and looking behind me for something “that I missed” to jump out and bit be, because within walking here I am not missing things but Directing Each Necessary Point – EVEN if this is a point that I have resistance to directing, or not wanting to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Sabotage myself within my life through allowing myself to take on a passive approach to Self Responsibility which is actually not Self Responsibility at all because Self Responsibility is based on Certainty, and I have accepted and allowed myself to make Passivity my foundation of Self Responsibility which is not effective, and that can be observed even in how I write where I will get half way through a word and then just kind of let the last half/portion of the word fly off my fingers but that it is not directed equally all the way through and thus I end up making mistakes and having funny looking words because I did not walk in Absolute Certainty within my Delivery of the point placing each point specifically where it goes, where this behaviour pattern of self also seep out into my life where there is aspects of my life where I allow to much room for error instead of Directing the point with Certainty, particularly within planning my life to be Practically Effective within the Money System based on Understanding that this is essential in assisting and supporting the bringing forth of an Equal Money System, which I ‘claim’ to support yet do not organize my life and self with absolute certainty and specificity but instead leaving to many black marks as uncertainties that may or may not come back to haunt be but the point being that I Have left the point “out of my hands” when I could have Directed the Point Specifically keeping the point within my Directive Reach. Like for instance I have not written down what I require to do each day but kind of just go “on the fly” and this seems to work alright but also considering that I could actually make my Life more concrete, more specific if I utilized writing to organize my daily tasks as a for instance.
I commit myself to organize myself and not just let things get buried under layers of mess and ignorance, where I allow such a thing to occur because I don’t actually want to deal with those points, but just want them to go away, but obviously that is not how the world functions at the moment and these types of things do not just go away, and so I commit myself to Organize my PRACTICAL side of my Life so to ensure this systematic part of my life is specifically organized instead of just only tending to this when I want and when I must, but rather I commit myself to Place this Aspect of my Life as My First and Foremost Priority and ensure that I am Doing What NEEDS to be done and not just what I want to do first then eventually getting to the “what needs to be done” stuff where by that time, sometimes its too late and I have already sabotaged myself/my life by not keeping on top of the “System Maintenance” so to speak.
I commit myself to Set Clear Parameters in terms of how I direct myself within the context of setting up my Art Point from the perspective of not accepting and allowing myself to just live out my pre-programmed artist Character that end up losing itself/myself in my art and not wanting to look at the world at all or taking care of my daily practical responsibilities because I am “lost in my art” and just want to do that, but here within the point of Considering Approaching this point again, I Set Very Clear parameters for myself where in these parameters include ALL of my Practical Responsibilities that are necessary for a functional Life within the System.
Ok that was a bit of a detour from what I had walked in my last blog in terms of walking the Self Corrections of The Fear Dimension of what I had laid out thus far as my “Artist Character” Where here tonight though I did open up an important aspect of “what I have accepted and allowed myself to live/exist as” within my life which pertain to this “Artist Character” that I have lived and that is “A Disregard for the practical side of things” What I realize/see here tonight is how I in essence create an environment of fear by accepting and allowing myself to ignore my responsibilities and put things off where I just keep suppressing what I must take care of but in doing this starting to wonder and fear about this stuff that I KNOW I have not been facing but continually putting off, and thus I end up creating myself into a fear like state once this whole application gets “out of hand” so to speak. And that I can effectively support myself within my life/application by Ensuring that I am giving Direction to all the NECESSARY points in the measures required instead of just giving attention to “what I want to” so to speak.
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