This blog is a continuation from the previous posts:
Ok continuing with the “fear dimension” of what I have now identified as the “Starving Artist Character”
Today I did not want to follow through with my commitments I had made to myself within some of the practical points I have laid out for myself to make my Art “much more practical” from a financial point of view. I just really did not “feel” like it any more, I experienced a “drop” within myself so experiencing a “negative energy experience” and that this experience was actually influencing my practical self direction where because of my “experience” of myself, this entire point of “setting up my art so that I can make money with it” became much more in flux and in doubt. I see/realize/understand that this is exactly the types of situations that I must simply walk through and continue with getting the necessary practical points in place to start to sell my Art.
So that is a bit of an overview of today and now I am going to continue on with the self commitments on the self forgiveness I had done on the fear dimension.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and letting my mom down
Ok so I am seeing this particular fear as being quite “down there” inside me as initially now when I read this SF line the points does not come up within me. In relation to this I actually see an image of me standing in the kitchen with my mother and I am speaking/revealing to her that “the art thing is not working out” this image is a future projection and in this moment I am basically at the point where I have tried the point and could not get it to work and so am now revealing this to my mom and feeling/experiencing myself in a way ashamed of myself and inferior. Like I had not met my mother expectations, which I had wanted to meet to make her proud. I have noticed that even now being at home that I have this fear come up of “meeting my parents expectations” like they “expect something of me” like for me to succeed, and I fear letting them down. I don’t want to let them down. At this stage it is like there can exist this form of Hope that exist as an expectations/anticipation in the air of “what I may or may not do” Obviously if I was 70 years old there would be no expectation or anticipation for me to do anything as I would have already lived my life on earth, that is within the normal societal standards of how one normally progress within there life where by the time one reach the age of 70 they are not considered as valuable or important to the system as someone younger, stronger and more vibrant.
So this fear is more about the point of having to face “the truth” where I would for instance support an idea in the minds of people around me/my mother about who I was and what I was doing where then in my actions this idea is destroyed and I have to face that moment of “revealing my lie” as that is what I experience this as – Like a lie that I had created about me and delivered this lie to others to believe and then it reveals that I am NOT this (and I have failed) then I must face myself. I must stand there as who I really am where its like the facade fades away and suddenly I am revealed and I am just a normal being with no special powers/abilities and I really don’t have any magic solutions.
So I see this point is related to “The Real ME” vs “The Me people think I am” I see there is 2 dimensions of this. There is the 1 dimension where people create there own ideas/expectations of me that is not me that they have created within their own mind. And there is the dimension where I actually end up fuelling and supporting “false perceptions” about me within the minds of others that is Not actually me either.
I see also that this point has to do with the Value that I have placed on Money. And how I believe that if I can make money with art that this will be a “Success” that will “make me more-than”
I commit myself to when and as I see the fear of failing and letting my mom down coming up within me to stop myself and breathe and bring myself Here. I see that the point is not about trying to become “more” to try and achieve a certain level of success that will “make me more” or “make me great” But rather I see the point here is to work with myself on a more “Real” level where my success or failure with money and art does not determine the worth of myself as Life. Though Here I see that I have connected my “Success with art and money” to self honesty and self responsibility and self effectiveness which is some of the points that I am working on within myself and so essentially the point of failing at art and money then would indicate a failing of myself in walking self honesty / self responsibility / self effectiveness etc…It represent a point of being Static. I Fear Not Changing, I Fear remaining the same, I Fear remaining the same as I am now, I am not satisfied with who I am now, I deceitful,
Also here I commit myself to look at the expectations that I have placed on myself as well as the expectations that my mother/family/peers have placed on me and ask myself if these expectations are real and to look at where these expectations are not practical, and thus I commit myself to Align my expectations of myself to practical reality and real life.
Ok so now I see I fear letting my mother down from the perspective of not meeting the expectations that she has of me. I fear this because I fear that I will not be able to do it. I fear that I am not capable of it, I fear that I will prove to be ineffective and weak, and essentially not end up doing much or succeeding in my career and with money. Her expectations are reasonable – My expectations of myself are probably higher than hers are of me. In looking at this Art point, I have projected an expectation of myself that I feel I should be able to live/execute. But within this I fear not being able to do it because I have in a way connected this expectation to fulfilment and happiness and strength. So if I do not meet my own expectation of myself than I will not reach that point of fulfilment, and thus there is this fear within me. My mothers expectations are not that high. I fear that she will judge me to because her expectations are not that high, and she will think “that is not much to ask” and he didn’t even do that, but that is my own judgement of myself, and again here seeing how I have linked my self value and worth to “who I will become” in the future. In the Future I will be better, I will be worthy, I will be strong, I will be strong willed and live in Stable Self Honesty. ALL of that is in the future somewhere. Locked into this idea of who I will be once I attain my Carrier Goals.
So I see that this fear of letting my mother down is related to the expectations I have placed on myself and how I have linked/connected my self value to meeting those expectations and that thus separating myself from Self Value, believing that Self Value and Fulfilment is only out there, once I achieve or reach these certain benchmarks as rungs on the ladder as my projected future pathway/climb to success.
Ok going to stop here – I will continue in my next post looking at how to solidify this self correction/commit to myself in relation to the “fear of failure and letting my mom down”
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