This blog is a continuation from the previous posts:
I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear in an automatic way in relation to this point of “Art” and walking the process of setting up myself within this point so that is a viable income support point, where in I will react in fear prematurely before having even practically tested the point.
When and as I see myself to reacting in / going into fear in relation to this point related to “making art my living” I stop and breathe, I see/realize/understand that to participate in fear related to this point does not support me as it is not offering a “practical perspective” on things at all but is more related to irrationality and assumptions, thus I commit myself to not further go into the fear experience within me that comes up in relation to this point I am walking but to in those such moments remain here in my breathing and attention and rather focus on Directing myself to write out this point and the various aspects of this point in detail, including and points of fear that are coming up so to ensure that I am understanding why these points of fear are coming up and not just “going with them” where I actually have not practical understanding of the fear experience I am in fact having, and so thus also here I commit myself to work with myself within self writing to understand why I have these fears and where they are coming from and how I created them.
I commit myself develop a complete understanding from the perspective of assisting and supporting myself within my self writing, self forgiveness, and self correction to understand each fear that I have no more accepting and allowing myself to just let my fears overrun me without ever investigating each one in exact detail to see what is the actual fear experience(s) coming up.
I see/realize/understand that I have created the belief within me that “Artists don’t make money” or that “its impossible” to make money with Art. I see that the example that I was given within my family structure was an example of “how not to make money” and the particular experiences/energies/ways of being/backchats/ etc that one requires to “not make money” within the point of art, and so I commit myself push myself to look at this point of “making a living at art” as practically as I can, not just looking at the points that would like to do within this, but looking at all the various ways I can utilize this particular skill I have within the task at hand. I Commit myself to investigate how I have accepted and allowed myself to Live the “Starving Artist Character” where I have formed/developed a belief that it is impossible/hard to make money as an artist, in this “making up my mind about it” instead of practically investigating this “belief” to see if it is in fact true.
I commit myself to look at how I have accepted and allowed myself to live within the context of “being an artist” and realize that the patterns/behaviours/applications that I lived as an artist is NOT going to work within the context of making an effective living with my art, as the Character that I have lived with my Art thus far has been the Starving/Tortured Artist, living out the specific necessary dimensions of this character to produce the Result of the Starving Artist, who obviously does not make any money with his Art.
I commit myself to remind myself that when I am “not feeling like this is going to work and just not feeling into it” that that is an mind related emotional experience in relation to the point of walking the point of Making a living with my art. I commit myself to when I experience such a point remind myself that it does not matter what I experience as an emotional state, meaning The point here is to set out a practical plan that I follow each day consistently and that if I accept and allow myself to deviate from this practical plan of daily consistency within this point, then in such moments I am actually accepting and allowing myself to exist as the “Starving Artist Character” as I see that one way that I have accepted and allowed myself to not follow through on making this point with art practically viable as an economic support, is by giving into those emotional states as I am moving/directing myself to Align myself with the necessary aspects of making this point practically viable, realistic, tangible, calculable.
I see/realize/understand that the “fear of people seeing me fail” is a dimension of my Starving Artist Character that only support me giving up or even not even trying due to fear of people seeing me fail.
I see that I fear failure so much because I fear being seen as a failure and I also fear being a failure because then this would mean I am useless and have no ability to contribute. I fear having not ability to contribute and thus support myself, I see that I believe that I am not able to do this, to support myself financially with my art, probably because I have never done it before, yet have really tried very little to do this in a practical effective way. I fear MYSELF, I fear that I am able to trick myself. That I am able to Lie to myself so well that I will convince myself to do something that actually put me harms way. I fear my past. I fear my past of self interest as the patterns that I have lived that placed me “harms way” from the perspective of not developing an effective economic support for myself. “I fear that I will do this again” That I will just repeat the same shit over again , and so as I walk this point I experience fear in relation to thinking I am doing the same thing over again and will end up at the same point. I fear that my programming is to powerful, and so I am constantly watching in fear waiting for myself to suddenly realize “oh shit its too late” and I have messed up, or deceived myself. I Fear that I am Deceiving Myself.
“Art is Deception” This is my credo, that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe. That is what I tell myself so often. “Art is Deception” This has to do with the point of actually enjoying the point of doing art. Believing that if I enjoy something that it is lie. I believe that I should not get to do anything that I want to do to. And for this reason I become paralyzed with fear because Art is something that I have wanted to do and so in advancing a step within this point is like just waiting for the “truth to reveal” that I am a lying deceiving self interested person. Because this MUST be who I am if I do Art – Because Art is a fucking Joke. Get your head out of the clouds. I fear really enjoying myself in something. I Fear walking up and doing something that I actually enjoy doing. I believe that I should have to do things I don’t enjoy doing as much, and that in doing that, I am/will be self honest.
Ok so I ended off this blog with a bit more of a ranting and raving approach still obviously “writing out” this point for myself to understand the inner conflict that is taking place within me at the moment as I approach this point of getting things set up with my art to align it in a way that is more effective than what I have/had done in the past which is to essentially be living out the “Starving Artist Character”
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