This blog is a continuation from the previous posts:
I am continuing here looking at the point of “Art” and specifically “Making a Living At Art”
There was a few different aspects that I experience(d) in relation to this point of “Making a Living at Art” one of them being where “I did not see myself as able to ‘do what the system wants’” meaning it was was like I was in a way “refusing to conform” I understand that this is kind of a rebel thing to do, but I thought that I would not enjoy it, I thought that I would not be able to do it. And it was in such statements that I would make to myself that I gave myself a good enough reason to not do it. This seeing this here as how I would talk myself out of it within my mind/within my back-chat.
I noticed yesterday as I worked with this point and wrote out all the various definitions of this character that more and more points/dimensions just kept opening up. So what I am seeing is that I am still getting comfortable with how to effectively open up the dimensions of a character and so will continue here from where I left off yesterday.
I am going to explore the particular fear that I started the Self Forgiveness on yesterday and just write about this fear so as to get more clarity of what this fear actually is.
“I Fear that this was not meant to be and it does not work out”
This fear is related to the idea of “inevitable failure” and also “Fear of Self Delusion” When I first started wtih Desteni I really had a eye opener with regards to how I was living my life. And particularly with Art. I saw how extensively self interest proliferated through my life and in essence how selfish I was in manipulating so that I could have things my way and do things my way. I felt/feel guilty how I Did this, particularly with art where I would in essence be getting others to do my dirty work as I was just wanted to paint pictures all day. So now since then I have been quite reluctant to do art anymore. Yet at the same time still wanting to do it. At times I was fine not doing it, but overall it was a point that was VERY Prominent within me as a point that I still wanted to explore and see if could utilize this skill in my life. I see that I really often talk myself out if to, like “talking down the point” saying “its nothing”, “It will never work” “its just a hobby” “you will NEVER make any money at it” “your delusional” and so in that back-chat never actually get myself to the point of Walking with this point of Art within Seeing it as something that is actually viable as a financial Support – I just wrote it off completely in a way – “I WILL NEVER MAKE MONEY AT IT”.
Another thing that I am seeing here is that my father was a musician and never made his art/music something that was able to support him financially and so the example that i have is “how not to make ones craft/art a successful endeavour”
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have not had an example of how to in utilize my skill set as a Artist to generate sufficient money for myself to be able to make a living with my art or be successful within this point, but that in fact the example I had was how NOT to do this.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that my observations of my fathers relationship with his art and the path that he walked has become a part of my “opinion” that I have formed about my ability to do this.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to back up my drive to want this to work with practical application and tested physical results where in essence I transform my approach from desire and want to deliberate practical applications that is related to making money with selling art, seeing that Making Money is the point because if that aspect of the equation is not in place, nothing is going to work.
Ok continuing with the fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people seeing me fail.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear failing and letting my parents down
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing and letting my mom down
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not living up to the expectations of my Parents because I fear not living up to my own expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this endeavour failing even within me giving it my all, because then it will really be over, and I fear that moment, I fear that moment of this point with art really being over, I fear this because I have put so much into this point, and I don’t see any other point or way to in my life be fulfilled like the way I could with/if this point is successful, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear extensively having this point not work out and fail.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that moment/point in my life where my potential as an Artist is over and done, which is the equivalent to my “spark of life” being over, and thus me no more being able to add or contribute anything to life and to humanity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that I am not smart or intelligent enough to succeed, and also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear finding out that I am not able to do this point of art and make it a success, I fear finding out that I am not able to do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear within myself as I walk this point of moving myself to making a living at art, fear that something is going to go wrong and I will suddenly reach that point where there will be some point that is in conflict with the path I am walking, something that I did not consider and overlooked, something that will prevent me from going any further, like a gape in my path that will stop/prevent me from walking this point of making a living with my art and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear that there has simply go to be something that will go wrong.
I see/realize/understand that it is likely that there will be allot of obstacles. That I may face numerous instances where things don’t align the way I thought, or that there was something that I overlooked – I see that it does not support me to constantly be thinking/worrying about “that one fatal mistake” where everything come crashing down. I see also that this “one fatal mistake” is actually more of a misperception of how reality works, as reality normally go that when things go wrong, you simply correct the point and work with the point using common sense to correct and then get back on course.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake due to believing that one tiny mistake will make everything come crashing down, where I am seeing/perceiving/experiencing things to be soooooo very fragile where not even a hair can be out of place otherwise everything will collapse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this very way within myself within and as my mind where I completely crumble within myself and breakdown if one tiny hair is out of place.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the physical does not work like the mind, because for instance the house that I am living in at the moment was built over 15 years ago and it stand here stable for all these years, enduring all weather conditions, and things happening all around it and within it for some many year, yet the point is Stable – And so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to align myself with my mind that I have created/programmed to be very unstable if one little hair is out of place instead of aligning myself with the practical physical reality where it is much more stable and representative of how things actually move/work, but that I have not ever Aligned me with and as the physical and so missed that point of stability existing in and as the physical and GLARINGLY the perfect example that I have walked and lived with all my life that has been right in front of my face the entire time that I failed to see – My Human Physical Body as and Effective Physical System that has been stable for my entire life where for instance my Heart has not missed a beat but remained stable here one beat at a time absolute consistent. And so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my practical physical body as a practical example of a trustworthy system in terms of what is capable, and that instead I have aligned me with and as my mind where everything is building and collapsing building and collapsing moment to moment.
Self Corrections to Follow.
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