Blaming Another For Causing ME to React – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 171

There is this one being at work who I have quite a resistance and aversion to. From very early on in meeting this being, I simply wanted nothing to do with them due to how I experienced myself in relation to their communication/interaction with others and me. My early on impression was that this being is “full of shit” Yet I see that I have not directed this point from the perspective of simply not allowing what I have defined as “bull-shit” when this being is communicating with me, and also in terms of directing my own reactions that come up in relation to this beings communication/interaction.

I tend to more “go along” with what the being is saying which tends to have an “abusive/sarcastic nature”. From my perspective this being is making their own life very difficult, but at the same time, since we are working together allot on the same projects that then this seep over into my world, and so I have been wondering allot within myself how to effectively direct this point where I actually not allow such communication to take place with me

What I notice is that I am reacting to what this being is saying. And in a way fighting within myself with everything this person says. Like saying within myself.

How could they say that
Why would they say that
They are making things so difficult
They are so negative
They are evil

They are annoying

That is such Bull Shit

And this list goes on.
The other day I started thinking “I wonder if being around this being is actually making me sick/ill”
In a way I feel drained after being around this being due to the reactions I have within myself and inner conversations I have.
I have been holding back allot in speaking what I really think towards this being – Not in an attacking kind of way, but rather I am holding back in being more direct and to-the-point with what I will allow in my world and what I will not.

The last day I worked with this being I ended up getting frustrated with them because at the end of the day they wanted to take a “short-cut” in the job we were doing just to get the job done and we could go home. This was not the first time that this point had come up, and so I did not know how to Direct the point. I eventually mentioned the point but I did it in a way that was more “fleeting” as an after thought instead of this being more direct and straight to the point in terms of what I was seeing/observing with regards to the beings approach to working.

I see that I am allowing too much “lee-way” with the amount of “abuse” that I will in fact support within and as this being where for instance “nodding along nicely” to a conversation that is in fact very abusive in nature, or “going along with” poor work habits so as “not to cause conflict” or to still “be nice”

So basically I have started to question allot what is the best way for me to direct this point and am I giving this effective enough direction. I normally take the “long way” from the perspective of just tolerating allot of “shit-talk” to eventually have the being realize that I am not interested in those types of conversations, but I am not sure if this is an effective application and I wonder if I should just start being more DIRECT within my world and simply not accepting and allowing such unnecessary abuse in my world/environment. I am faced with this point, in relation to the extensiveness of the “negativity” coming from this being.

Perhaps I could actually be supportive for this being if I would speak up and be more direct in my communication in actually being more assertive and taking a stand of why types of communication I will accept and allow in terms of what types of conversations I will engage in.

I that I also must take responsibility for my own reactions that are coming up in relation to this being as I see that I am still reacting within myself towards what this being speak about.

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain silent, and actually go along with in my silence and my physical behaviour communication such as “smiling nicely” and “nodding my head yes” going along with what “y” speaks about, instead of not accepting and allowing such interactions/communication to take place that are abusive in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being direct with “y” in simply setting my terms of what I will allow and what not with regards to the type/subject of communication and interaction and “y” and others, so as not to in my passivity actually support and nurture “bull-shit” communication that is abusive/destructive in nature and does not support me or the other being or life at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an abusive/destructive environment around me through by being passive and not really ever speaking who I am and what I am interested in and what not but rather electing to remain silent and not actually speak up and indicate who I am because I believed that this will just cause weirdness and so to not cause weirdness I rather allow myself to participate in and support abusive conversations through just by nodding along and smiling or acting interested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated with “y” in what “y” communicates about yet not actually Take a more Direct Stand in terms of communicating to “Y” that I am not interested in communicating about such things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated and annoyed with “y” not realizing that any irritation and annoyance I experience within me has nothing to do with “Y” perse but is my own self created experience, and so thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my experience of irritation, anger, frustration, annoyance, onto “Y” instead of investigating and understanding how I am/have created these experiences within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to allot of the things that “y” speaks about where I will react within myself in my back-chat and actually go into an “attacking” stand point where I am in fact becoming nasty and aggressive and attacking towards “y” in my back-chat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way I will be able to stabilize myself around “y” and not react is if “Y” actually change how he communicates, and so thus I forgive myself for not realizing that I am implying that “Y” is responsible for my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order for my experience of myself to change, that I must change “Y” and thus within this implying that I am accepting and allow “Y” to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for accepting and allowing myself to react so much to “Y” and not standing stable within myself and not “going for the bait” which I find “Y” “puts out there” so much during the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by “Y” which I see is happening because of the way that I will have inner arguments within my own mind in my back-chat towards “Y” in a reactive/attacking way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and frustration within myself because I do not see a clear path/solution for me to be absolutely stable around “Y” not allowing myself to consider that this may take time for me to stabilize myself in relation to “Y” in terms of not reacting to what he say’s / communications about.

TBC…

 

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One thought on “Blaming Another For Causing ME to React – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 171

  1. Pingback: The Gift of Projection is a Mirror to my Face: 157

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