This blog is a continuation of the following blogs
Reaction – Emotion/Feeling/Experience Dimension
So here I am looking at the Reaction – Emotion/Feeling/Experience I have as my Postponement Character. Mostly I just “really don’t feel like doing it” and I will experience myself as tired. Also I kind of heaviness comes over me and it becomes difficult to move my physical to do the task. I would describe it as a kind of ‘pain’ as well where I become tired and my back hurts, like my body clenches and tightens up. But in looking at this point I’d say one of the most prominent points is the Heaviness Point that I experience within my body, like a heaviness all over me like lead, like there is lead in my blood and bones and through my whole body, and I just become heavier within and as myself.
I commit myself to realize that I am the creator of my own experiences and to challenge myself to see/realize/understand in exact detail how I have created my experience and in this case my experience of heaviness.
I see, realize, understand that I do not completely understand the experience of heaviness I have within my body in relation to when I face certain points/moments in my world as I have not yet developed enough awareness to distinguish clearly between when my body is tired from physical labour or/and when I am creating my experience of heaviness in my body through my mind. I commit myself to investigate this point/experience further in being aware in those moments when this “heaviness experience” comes up where I just want to sink deep into my bones and not move a muscle, like a kind of “giving up” and “letting go” of me standing so I can just sink down and relax for a moment.
I commit myself to develop self awareness around this point investigating the relationships that make up this “experience of heaviness” within my body.
I see that in the case of postponement my “experience of heaviness in my body” is also accompanied by a “feeling of resistance and/or downness” where I understand that an actual physical tiredness would not have an energetic value attached to it but would simply be a point of physical tiredness, and that it is me as the mind that makes this physical experience either more or less through giving it a “value” definition.
I see that in moving into postponement there is a point of avoidance that takes place, where for instance where in I move into the/my experience of heaviness within my body that I am “moving away” from requiring to do something that I do not want. I see that the “experience” becomes something else when I am required to actually direct myself where for instance if I am watching tv it does not matter about my experience of physical heaviness – that this more becomes “an issue” in relation to writing, doing my assignments etc, where the point of physical heaviness within my body becomes more of an excuse and made something “more than” it actually is as an attempt to validate my excuse to not direct me within particular tasks that I deem to be more “work” than “play”
I see that when it comes to postponing something that “I am looking for excuses” and its not that an experience of physical tiredness is something that prevents me from directing myself but that my tendency is to be “looking for an excuse” where then I channel this “outlook” onto/into my world and thus the experience of tireness of self is thus transformed into an excuse to hide/escape/ avoid doing that which is required to be done that is actually self supportive like writing my daily blog and doing my other daily written and reading assignments.
I commit myself to assist and support myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application to change myself as my “normal outlook” as “looking for excuses” to simply be here and rather looking for ways to simply be here and be consistent in my application in a way that actually support me effectively.
I see/realize/understand that My Postponement Character is that which looks for points within myself and my world that can be used as an excuse to escape from/ hide from/ avoid giving practical direction to that which is require to be directed.
I commit myself to take responsibility for my “experience of heaviness” within myself. I commit myself to assist and support myself to not “go/step into” but to within having my attention here on my breathing and my physical body and reality assist and support myself to remain self present instead of “going/stepping into” this experience of heaviness, like a sinking into it where I sink away from here and into the mind.
I see/realize/understand that any emotional/feeling experience that I experience is a point that must be investigated where for instance in this case I see/realize/understand that my reaction of disappointment is still influencing me within my decision to apply myself daily and consistently within my writing.
I see/realize/understand that I am still allowing my emotional/feeling experience to direct and influence me within my life instead of me being able to be constant and stable within my Decisions to walk specific points in specific time-frames. I commit myself to assist and support myself to direct my attention to my breathing/breath and my physical body/reality as thee reality/point/dimension I want to be in, and within this to “not engage” with my reaction/emotional/feeling dimension of my mind so to assist and support myself to “step out of energy” and bring myself Here to My Physical Reality so to stop accepting and allowing myself to be taken for a ride by my mind where in I “go into” emotional/reaction experiences within myself and thus lose my stability and self directive principle as now I am not here but in FLUX within the dimensions of my mind, instead of remaining here in and as the physical directing myself in and as the physical without energy/reaction directing me and influencing me within my expression/direction.
Physical Behaviour Dimension
The Consequence of allowing postponement is simply that I will never change and/or get anywhere within developing a self intimate relationship with myself and in fact assisting and supporting myself to actually get to know and understand who I really am. I see/understand writing to be “my foundation” It is the initial Physical Process of me taking responsibility for myself. I see that my process of writing is like the foundation for how I will “do everything else” thus I see that it is imperative and something that want to do for myself which is to establish an absolute effective self supportive process of writing where this pattern that I develop within my writing can than stand as an actual Support for other patterns that I develop later on in terms of me supporting myself within my life and within my process of self realization. So The consequence of existing as my postponement character is that I will simply take longer within my process because I sabotage my “Pattern” through by allowing myself to “not effectively apply myself in writing” on a daily basis, and thus postponing the point of actually effectively developing a pattern within my writing that can actually stand as an effective foundation and “jumping point” to duplicate as a stable pattern within taking my application of self support into other areas of my life. Thus if I never get this point of writing in place, I will never be ready/able to move into/onto another area of my life, and so thus the consequence dimension of postponement is essentially prolonging my process within this particular point instead of getting it done. Another consequence of this is that I will never get to know myself in intimate detail, and just remain on the surface. That is not a relationship that I want to live as I see that as very limited and shallow. I’d like to really get to know me in a self intimate way and get to know the real truth of me, so within this I can actually forgive myself and correct myself into a being that stand as an example of life that is able to be followed/looked at as an example that can be utilized to see how to live effectively.
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