This is a continuation of
Fear of Anger and Aggression (Part 1) – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 156
I see/realize/understand that this reaction that I had in the moment when/where I perceived that I was being ‘attacked’ or having anger/aggression projected onto me where in I went into anxiety/fear/panic is a reaction that I have created over time within which now will automatically trigger within me as an Entire reaction that is encompassing my entire past history as well and so through time I have developed/cultivated this reaction to be quite specific as well as prominent within myself which is why the experience of myself within and as this reaction is so encompassing the entirety of me and stirs me up quite a bit.
I commit myself to investigate this point as my relationship to anger/conflict/aggression looking at the various points associated with this point like for instance “taking something personally” and also looking at specific memories where I had programmed this/a particular reaction into me, as well as looking at how my parents respond to anger/friction/conflict and so in this looking at all the various dimensions of this points so to assist and support myself to no more accept and allow this such reaction come up and “take over” me without me being able to do anything about it and thus allowing this reaction to have power over me instead of me being stable and here within and as myself self in all moments.
Another dimension I can explore is Sound as I see here that I often react in fear in relation to loud noises from the perspective of “fearing being in trouble” which is related to this point of “fear of aggression”
I see that allot of this reaction would have been designed and programmed during my childhood in relation to “getting in trouble from my parents” where I developed a fear and petrifaction within myself where when for instance if I would here a loud noise I would associate this with “anger” where then I would suddenly become afraid of “getting in the path of that anger” or having that anger being taken out on me.
I commit myself to within writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application assist and support myself to slow myself within and as this point so that I can actually develop an understanding and awareness of this point that seemingly happens so fast, where in slowing this point down within and as me and assisting and supporting myself to look at this point and points similar to this one of where I go into the reaction of “fear of anger”, in slowing myself down I can assist and support myself to in fact see, realize and understand the actual process that I am moving through step by step by step in essence taking this “happens so fast” moment, and slowing it down so in to assist and support myself to start seeing and developing an awareness of what is in fact moving and triggering in and as this reaction.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to direct myself to slow myself down so in to see more clearly the steps that are actually taking place that are creating my experience of myself that to me often just seems like one experience that I am having where I have not yet slowed myself down enough to see all the process and steps that have one by one in fact created my total experience that I now just kind of experience like a kind of blur experience and not seeing that it is in fact created as an accumulation of steps that if I slow myself down I can get to know and see how each step is unfolding and thus assist and support myself to in fact understand my experience and myself instead of just existing as a slave to my experience of me which I have not understanding of how I have in fact created my experience in exact detail and iota.
I commit myself to investigate why and how I have come to fear specifically “’others’ being angry at me”
I see/realize/understand this reaction to be “Character Based” meaning that in this reaction as “fear of anger” I am stepping into a Character which already has its pre-programmed behaviour and way of being already mapped out to which I automatically step into like a suit, and thus in a singular moment upload this character into and as me with all the pre-programmed mechanisms already in place for me to now act out accordingly, where this character has been programmed over a life-time through various experiences, memories, acceptances and allowances etc that when into this character which now active in its totality in moments where and perceive someone to be projecting anger onto me or where I “fear anger” where for instance I hear someone angry at a distance where I automatically fear that point because I fear that anger being directed/taken out on me.
I commit myself to assist and support myself through observing myself in self awareness to ensure that I am aware of what is going on within me, writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application – deconstruct this/my “fear of anger character” so as to when I am faced with moments where someone in my environment is angry or aggressive that so not simply react and active/upload into me my pre-set character that I then go through the programmed motions, behaviours, experiences, belief, and all the various dimensions of this character, but am able to simply remain here in and as breath no more going into the “fear and anxiety” that exist as a part of this “fear of anger” character.
I see/realize/understand that part of this point of seeing/defining beings as having “the right to be angry” is related to how I have not yet understood my own reaction of fear where in essence I am still “believing my own fear”
I commit myself to assist and support myself within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to understand in detail how I have come to “accept my fear as real” where in I make this statement of “my fear is real” each time I accept and allow myself to become possessed by such an experience instead of actually ‘sourcing’ the fear back to its origins and understanding what the fear is actually related to and how I have created it specifically through an accumulation process throughout my life.
I commit myself to investigate the judgements and opinions that I have created towards/associate to/with people who I define as angry, aggressive, or harsh as I see, realize and understand that I must in fact be able to stand HERE one and equal to all beings as the process of birthing myself as Actual Life, and thus that my opinions/judgments towards people I define as angry/aggressive/harsh is related to the Characters that I have created and exist as within/as myself in such a way where I have defined myself within a point of superiority towards others which is only always EGO and thus not life in equality at all, and related to Myself as Characters which are always based on competition, survival and winning, and not what is best for all.
I see that this point of “wanting to stay away from” people who I find brash or harsh is a point of avoidance and not in fact me supporting me to face my own reactions/judgements that I have created within myself and now exist within in relation to specific points in my reality, where instead I have taken the approach of avoidance to try and stabilize myself instead of facing, investigating and getting to how I created myself within my “fear of anger” reactions, and thus applying writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application to actually assist and support myself to sort out my reactions and myself so that I am able to face my reality and do not go into a point of suppression and avoidance which is actually making the statement that Fear is My Controller and thus me suppressing my living expression to hide from fear where Fear has become more than me within my world and thus has become my god, my fear, my controller which instead of facing eye to eye within walking the necessary process of self investigation, writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to get to know this/my Fear.
I commit myself to instead of hiding from and trying to avoid my “fear of anger” to actually face this point within myself which I do through writing, self forgiveness and self correction. So that I can actually expand myself within my living instead of suppressing me into a corner in trying to hide from my fear instead of in fact getting to know it and facing it within and as my process of writing and living myself to freedom. And so I commit myself to face/investigate my “fear of anger” instead of just leaving it hanging and thus continuing to exist CONSTANTLY in FEAR in my environment which is not a cool way to live as this creates allot of anxiety within me as well where I am always tense and not able to breath and be stable here in my environment because of Not facing this fear within me and within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application actually moving myself to Self Understanding and Self Awareness within and as this point as a point/process of assistance and support.
I see/realize/understand that I have created a kind of polarity equation here where I have defined myself as the opposite of harsh or brash and thus
I commit myself to explore the relationship between the point of harshness and/or brashness and how I have defined myself in and as opposition to this point where I have defined me as non-confontational / gentle / soft.
DAILY EQAFE SUPPORT INTERVIEW