An event occurred where I was driving with some individuals and I made a comment about something I observed about the road. One of the people I was with responded very quickly in a “very abrupt way” that was demanding and also very rude and mean and inconsiderate and simply unacceptable because it was overall abusive. Though I could not tell if the being was joking or not? So in that moment I was kind of paralyzed and was in my mind trying to figure out if the being was joking or serious. I simply made a comment and so realize that the “reactive comment” from the other being was exactly that – more of a reaction based on the stuff that was going on inside that being.
I see within myself that I tend to play a submissive role in relation to conflict in this way. But my experience of myself is so uncomfortable. I am going to have a look at this particular experience I had in this event that I described above and begin looking at this point within myself. This point where I fear conflict and get to the point where my total expressing becomes “how can I make sure this being does not react or get angry” I have noticed this about my expression and it annoys me because instead of sorting out my fear in relation to this, I just continue existing in this “fear of conflict or anger” and then bending and twisting my expression in such a way where it is all about “making sure things are ok”
I have recently noticed how I have started to just accept this experience/point within me and then living it out, meanwhile seeing exactly what I am doing, but over the last week or so, this point has opened up due to starting a new job and during walking this point of starting my job I have noticed how I have been “walking this question” of “will the people be nice” or “will the people be mean” and basically I have been busy with assessing “will I be able to work with these people” from the perspective of finding a point where it is a ‘fit’ so to speak. And also within this profiling the individuals I am working with to see if “I will end up being in an abusive situation” like for instance with my last job where I found my boss to be quite abusive in terms of him always yelling at his employees and taking his own inner problems out on the people around him through blame and projection, and so I don’t want to end up in another situation like that, and so Here what I want to explore is this point within myself of “Who I Am” in relation to this kind of conflict/aggression/anger as I see that I still react quite a bit to this type of stuff, like for instance in the truck today where its like I go into a kind of submissive paralysis, like locked in fear, and so I am going to start here within exploring this point so that I can assist and support myself to stand stable in the face of conflict where I simply no more react, and so am going to look at how I created myself to be within and as this “fear of conflict/fear of anger” point where now I notice/see myself manipulating my expression quite a bit to try and avoid this, instead of being able to stand in self stability in these types of situations and not react or take the points personally. I mean I cannot just avoid people all together – obviously not, though I see I also have to De-construct this aspect/part of myself so to stop fearing conflict and thus stop the point of so much of the time existing in constant fear and anxiety within myself which is not cool at all.
I am going to start with this point by looking at my experience I had today in relation to when a being responded to something I said in a way that defined as ‘attacking’/’conflictual’ etc… and thus experienced a fear that shocked me into a kind of paralysis.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately experience fear within me when I herd ‘x’ speak to me in what I perceived as an aggressive/attacking way, where based on the tonality/frequency /rhythm the being spoke, along with the specific words in the statement which included my name ‘Andrew’ as well as the word ‘Fuck’ where this reaction of fear happened so fast where it like rose up like a shock into my solar plexus where I experienced a kind of high tension anxiety within me where I felt also my upper back getting really tight and compressed where my entire self started to stiffen up, all in relation to that singular moment where I made the assessment/conclusion that I was being spoken to in a very particular way which I see/define as aggressive and/or attacking, to when in that refraction of a moment where It is like a switch goes off inside me and I realize within myself “I am having anger/aggression directed/projected towards/at me” this reactive experience of fear then instigate within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in fear towards the point of someone projecting/directing anger or aggression towards me/onto me where I actually trigger this fear experience in literally one instant that happens so fast within me like as fast as a switch being flicked where I move from an absolute state of ‘stability’ calmness into a total fear and anxiety experience where there is like a shift inside of me that occur in the moment where I make the connection/realization that “this anger/aggression is being projected onto me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear aggression and anger and particularly fearing others being aggressive/attacking/angry towards me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access a mind character in and as that moment/instant I assess that someone is projecting/directing anger or aggression towards me, in where I see this “Character Possession” in the way how I can be experiencing myself calm and stable in one moment, where in literally the next moment my entire state and beingness switch into anxiety and fear, and so in this moment, identify this as me “accessing a character” related to “how I handle aggression/anger in particular in relation to when I feel/believe/experience this to be projected onto me in an attacking/ accusing way.”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive someone who projects/directs anger and or aggression towards me in an attacking accusing way has the right to do so and that it is justified.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid people that I find aggressive or that I find to be angry and or harsh.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay away from people who I find brash or harsh in their nature and demeanour.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as weak in relation to people who I find harsh or brash from the perspective of “who I am” in relation to for instance facing a moment where this harshness/brashness is being projected/directed onto me for instance in the form of anger/aggression/accusations/blame where I see/experience me to be ‘softer’ and non-confrontational and so more accommodating/agreeable in such situations where I would more often not say anything or/and just accommodate/Absorb such brashness/harshness.