So today I am at my home town. It has been nice to be able to “let go” for a moment of the responsibilities I had in Calgary. I decided that I would come and spend a week here in my hometown and look at what potentials there are for me to “move forwards”
So basically I am in another transition period and deciding on “ways forward” for the future.
At this stage just going to spend the week working here at home just doing things around our Yard. There is allot to do here. Lots of physical labour jobs which I don’t mind doing at all. I find my experience working here is much different than working “for someone” where they are wanting you to work in a certain way so to make them money. Here where I am now I can actually breathe and direct myself in a pace that is more supportive for my human physical body. I found that in the city I was more trapped in a cycle where I would work then come home and then do some stuff on the internet, entertain myself and then sleep and then do it again.
Once of the reasons why I decided to stay and work in Calgary for the last 2.5 years was because that is what I thought I should do. I thought that that would be a good place for me to find work for myself and accumulate money.
But my life there was very one dimensional and just did not want to work. I was more just kind of “stuck” or so I perceived myself to be, breaking even each month and really when I look back at my experience of myself in my life I did not enjoy myself. I tried to push through that and just stick with the point but there was no progress over the last 2.5 years in my finances, job stability, effectiveness in process, in fact, these things were all diminishing. I became less and less effective in process and this was frustrating.
I am still not yet seeing exactly what was going on while I was in Calgary but I experience relief that I am not there anymore and more in a process of “exploring other options” which I had not really done at all during the last 2.5 years where I was more rigid on believing it should work in Calgary.
So this SF will be on where I am standing at the moment and my experience of myself in relation to moving forwards.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that eventually and inevitably things will turn to shit or turn out shitty and so as I walk my day, walk with this idea within myself that eventually at some point likely in the fairly near future, things will turn bad as this is the “normal way of life” and that thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define depression, sadness, disappointment as what is normal and thus how things will be for me in and as my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sadness, disappointment, and depression within and as my life because I believe that these aspects of me and my life are normal, and common and is also how I measure “how my life is going” where I define self enjoyment or effective stability and self expression as always temporary and unable to be sustained and so in this am also looking for “something wrong” within me and within my world because “there must be something wrong”. “there just has to be something wrong” As I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self enjoyment is something that is not sustainable and also I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self enjoyment is “not real” and is “life” and that if someone enjoy themselves that “they are lying to themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to withhold doing anything I enjoy because I believe that it is not fair that I would get to experience doing something I enjoy or having any joy in my life while others on earth suffering and dying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self enjoyment because I fear the moment when my self enjoyment will turn to disappointment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I move here in and as the physical where in I stop my thoughts/thinking/participating in the mind, I will lose my self enjoyment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anything I enjoy doing is not real or not valid from the perspective of that “I must be doing something wrong or bad” if I am enjoying myself, and in this sabotage my life where I am constantly judging myself when ever a moment/opportunity come up where I actually enjoy myself in moments within what I am doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing self enjoyment, and so when ever I find something I enjoy doing, end up going into fear within where I start looking ahead at the moment when that point of enjoyment will “leave me” and I will go back to my experience of disappointment or depression.
I will continue in the next blog with the Self Corrective Statements.
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