This is a continuation/expansion on the previous blog post – “Accessing Hopelessness in Relation to Work/Job/Career/Future – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 119” Here I am continuing with Self Commitment statements as well as further opening up of the point in writing.
I commit myself to investigating this experience of “doubt” I experience in relation to my future and actually do self introspection in relation to the experience of myself in relation to my future, so to assist and support myself to no more accept and allow myself to participate with the experience of doubt and hopelessness I have been participating in in relation to my future.
I commit myself to breathe and slow myself down when ever I see myself accessing the experience of depression or sadness within myself in relation to my life connected to the point of work/job/career/money and so in breathing and slowing myself down assist and support myself to stop simply participating in this automated experience of myself, and rather assist and support myself to remain here and not simply just go ahead and participate in experiences of myself that I have not investigated and see exactly how I created such experiences of myself, to thus also ensure that I am not unnecessarily trapping myself in a time-looped experience of just recreating and recreating the same thing over and over again when this is not necessary and I am able to more effectivly support myself in directing myself and my world, something I see here I am not doing by participating in this automated patterned experience of myself in relation to work that literally come up like clockwork every single day I go to work.
I commit myself to no more accept and allow myself to hide from my experience of myself but instead assist and support myself to investigate my experience of myself through self introspection within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application and in this realize I am able to support myself to Direct me in getting to know myself and how I am creating my experiences instead of simply just reacting to them as if I am a subject to these experiences and do exactly as they say.
I see, realize, and understand that I have not been effectively investigating my experiences of myself from the perspective of actually assisting and supporting myself to no more accept and allow myself to be directed as a slave to energy and experience but to in fact make decisions for myself and direct myself in practical common sense, and so also within this I see to support myself it is effective to deconstruct, take apart my experiences so within doing so understand in detail how I in fact am the creator of myself and my experiences where in doing this Empowering myself to no more be directed by my experiences but become the Director of myself and thus stop participating with energy and experience as the council I walk with which I must always consult in making decisions instead of realizing that I do not require or need energy/experiences to make decisions and guide me in my life and in fact allowing this is only keeping me trapped in my current self programming which I here by commit to assist and support myself to step out of through self investigation and self introspection and getting to know myself and how I created all of me in detail which I do through writing, self forgiveness and self correction and to thus then re-direct myself, not based on some energetic experience that i have that I have never in fact looked at and/or understood but that I simply direct me based on practical common sense, along with supporting myself to understand myself as energy/experience so to further supporting me becoming Self Directed in my life based on principle instead of feeling.
I see, realize, understand that I have not yet fully investigated why I reacted to this specific picture within my mind of me working the same the job as I am now next year, and what specifically I was/am reacting to in relation to this picture and why I reacted the way I did/do. Thus I commit myself to look at what is it specifically about working the same job I am now next year, that I am reacting to.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk slowly within my day, meaning walking here in and as breath and self presence to assist and support myself to see when experiences come up within me and in this to also be able to pinpoint the picture/thought that triggered the particular experience, as well as the other components of the experience such as the back-chat that is existent within me where I can here also look at what specific picture/thought the particular back-chat is connected to and like wise the experience of myself where in I also as stated assist and support myself to see when it comes up within me or when I find/notice myself participating/existing in an experience ‘suddenly’ where in I support myself within seeing this through slowing myself down and “walking slowly” so to speak where I support me to be aware of myself in every moment and direct me to remain here in and as breath and breathing and being here in the physical as self presence so to stop accepting and allowing myself to bounce around in experiences and thoughts, and back-chat /inner conversations within myself that I allow myself to exist as and within without ever directing me to investigate the actual source of these experiences / thoughts / back-chats / internal conversations within myself so to understand how I have actually created them and thus actually created myself.
Writing about my experiences/perceptions in relation to my job
I have noticed that this point of “being at the same job next year” which I react to is actually coming up and has come up quite often throughout the summer (since working at this job). From the beginning I have basically defined this job as a “dead-end” from the perspective not in fact seeing myself growing or expanding within the job where in I actually “grow within the company” The company is small and because of this there really isn’t that much room to grow so to speak. Since starting with the company I have more experienced myself as a “worker” and that that is “what is expected and wanted of me” So I go to work and I get my wage and I do my job. I am not proud of this “approach” to how I have been walking my job this year because I feel that I could be “doing more” in a way or simply being more effective within my job which I have noticed on multiple occasions that this point comes up within me of “me not caring about my job” I connect this point of “me not caring about my job” to other aspects of myself and my living in terms of what I have been accepting and allowing of and as myself in where I have not been effectively applying myself in process but have more been falling and giving into the mind which I see as the starting ambers to fuelling this “approach” of “not caring” not just to my job but to my world which in essence I am understanding as being a point that I must “correct at home” where “I” am my “Home” and I must really get back to self and get self honest to so to support me in “caring about my job” so to speak.
So from this perspective I can see that there is a dimension of this point where I haven’t actually yet given myself the opportunity to in fact explore what is actually possible within my job as I see that my entire approach to my live, living and process has not been effective at all but rather more one of self sabotaging and giving up and/or essentially not yet standing.
When I first started with this job I did not like at all because I did not like the way I was treated within the job. I experienced allot of ‘resistance’ to my boss due to the conflict and friction I experienced in relation to him. I did not like how he treated me and because of this I made the decisions within myself that “I do not give flying fuck about this job” That has really been the point that I have lived within my working/walking of this job since the beginning.
There is aspects and dimensions of the job that I am grateful for in terms of getting the experience of actually doing the job and getting to see how another being runs a company and also getting different perspectives on different parts of business which my boss has communicated about some or that I have deduced through “reading between the lines” This having to “read between the lines” has also been another point which I experience a kind of disgust towards where I do not enjoy the fact that I feel like I must always be “reading between the lines” which is another point where I support my “decision” that “I do not give a flying fuck about this job” So since the beginning I just have not really enjoyed the Dynamic that is present at the the job through how everything is being run and the relationships that are created within the maintaining and running of the business.
I have judged myself for wanting to run for the hills so to speak. Because I feel like I am making a mistake, that I am judging to quickly and fear the consequence of that. I fear that I will make a wrong decision and end up “losing out” because I am not willing to stick with the job and find out the benefits that await within being patient within where I stand and apply myself. So I do have this inner battle going on inside me between this point of “should I stick with the job” or should “I venture out into other opportunities” now it is not like “other opportunities” knocking at my door, but I find I was/.am constantly thinking about the day I leave this job or do not have to work there or can venture out and do this job on my own with my own company which I believe I will enjoy much more.
When ever I think about working there again next year. I feel a sense of disappointment within me because if I do work there it will mean that “nothing else has come up”
I guess also there is this point where in terms of the “kind of work” I am doing now which is landscaping / lawn care / manual labour. My Goal within this is to “do it on my own” meaning to eventually get to the point of starting my own company and or business and do not see myself “committing myself to a company” as the “path” that I am wanting to walk. Where for instance once of my co-workers seems to be content with his position and hourly wage at the moment and seems willing to stand at this point on a more long-term basis slowly working his way up in terms of getting a small raise perhaps next year and working his way up this way.
I would much prefer to build/create my own company/business. That to me would be more enjoyable and to be able to walk the point of understanding all the necessary process within this. I sometimes think that I get ahead of myself and actually this becomes another inner battle within me where I do question in a see-saw manner – “Am I getting ahead of myself? – Could I in fact be directing myself more in getting this point moving” So this is an interesting “inner struggle” as I seem to jump to the polarity of the point of in one moment wondering/questioning if “I am doing to much/getting ahead of myself” then in the next wondering/questioning “well maybe I am no doing enough”
So in terms of “the kind of work” I am doing now – I see/believe that I would be more satisfied within me actually creating / starting my own company which from a certain perspective I have been Eger to do.
Here I find another interesting aspect of my entire inner dialogue/engagement with this whole point of work/job/future/career/money/staring my own company etc… which is – The Question – Can I Commit to this?
Can I commit to starting and running a business in the landscaping/lawn care Industry – lol – I must place the back-chat that popped up as I wrote this statement which is – “ what if I am not able to do this and am not yet qualified enough / experienced enough to run my own company in this kind of industry” when this back-chat came up I experienced Fear and anxiety quickly come up within me. I feel my experience in this field is still “thin” As far as a thought/picture that triggered this back-chat – I see a picture of me with a truck and trailer and driving on the cement highway, and it is just me alone, and there is this point of emptiness or thinness that comes up about it – oh and the truck is white. – I will have to “flag-point” so to pin-point the actual specific picture that comes up as I am still not completely clear on the actual picture here that came up within me and triggered the back-chat and experience of fear and anxiety.
I see, realize, understand that this belief that I will just do the same job “over and over and over” into the future is a kind of self sabotage as this is unlikely and so I must investigate how I am justifying participating with such back-chat and where this point originate within me. I see it is related to a point of “I will never change” which is a fear. A fear that I will never change. So this I see then is more connected to ME and not for instance my job is not the source of this fear but rather more of a point that I have projected this “fear of never changing” onto.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to walk in and as Self Honesty with and as myself in my life as I see, realize, understand that there is nothing more important than this with regards to a point I can really in fact support myself with, and so what I see, realize, understand about Self Honesty is that this require to me stop “keeping secrets” within me but through writing, self forgiveness and self correction assist and support myself to walk here in self openness. This is one way I can see that I am able to support myself to become more effective in my Daily Living which I see would then slowly but surely move out to encompass other aspects of my living such as my job and so from this perspective I am not powerless to do anything about my work related experience.
I also commit myself to continue assisting and supporting to write about my work related experiences so that I can come to more clarity and understanding about my experiences within myself towards my work and in this way simply develop more clarity within myself and thus within this assist and support myself to gain some stability through gaining clarity about how I am creating my experiences in relation to work instead of accepting and allowing myself to being a victim of my experiences about my work.
I commit myself work with the principle within my daily living, that I am the answer/solution so to speak to my experience and my life. As I see, realize, understand that money is not the answer but that my application of me getting to know myself in absolute detail, specificity and totality which I do initially through my process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application is the key. Thus I realize that all I require is simplicity and the tools I have available, thus I see that I have all I require to effectively support me, thus I do not require money so to speak and so I commit myself to re-aligning myself with what will actually support me within my life the most effectively and that is working with myself here in writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application in self honesty.
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