Addicted – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 113

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather participate in addictions than to take responsibility for my life/world/myself and actually direct myself within and as these responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I am not strong enough” to face my responsibilities from the perspective of having to leave my addictions and quick fixes behind which means that I will have to walk within and as the experience of me without these “fixes” as the addictions that I have created in my life, which I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am not able to handle the experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from the experience of myself in various situations in my life and so created ways I do this through creating addictions and alternate realities like for instance watching movies or distracting myself with something else so to find an escape from the experience of myself which I obviously have not found a way to yet stand stable within walking/facing such experiences as who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within the gadgets that I own to escape from having to escape the experience of myself when I am not participating within energy as the point I use to escape from my actual experience of myself where if I pump myself full of/ sedate myself with some specific energy that I get from participating within an addiction than I do not have to feel what I really feel which I have not yet faced, and thus have essentially hid from myself so far in my life, running from myself and not wanting to walk through the facing of the actual experience of myself without addictions which I have created and placed within my world so that I can sustain this application of hiding from myself where I place addictions like checkpoints where as long as I have enough check points to sedate me each day periodically until the day is over I will be fine, and so continue living this way not wanting to face the actual experience of me without addiction sedation as the energy/experience I get from participating within addictions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face the experience of me that is behind the statement “I hate doing that, I don’t want to do that” and so this statement/experience run prolific in my life as I am faced consistently with points that I do not want to deal with or face and the statement comes up within me “I hate doing that, I really don’t want to do that” and thus I have never take responsibility for myself within this but have continued to just manage this point, sometimes doing it and other times using addiction to hide from having to do it or cope with doing it but have never had any stable footing in my life within actually being able to face my life for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create addictions because “I don’t want to face my world…I can’t.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my experience of myself when I remove addictions from the equation. And that I fear this so much, that I have never in fact dared to remove addiction from the equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lock myself in my room after work and on the weekends because I just do not want to face ANYTHING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear walking without addictions, where I fear in fact giving up that which I use to hide from myself because I can’t imagine actually facing myself without having spaces within me/my life to hide within so to escape from actually having to be here with me and facing myself as my actual experience of myself within taking responsibility for my life and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that facing myself will be a horrible experience and thus fear facing and existing as that “horrible experience” I perceive facing myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always leave the doors of addiction unlocked and open so that if and when I experience that point where I can no longer face myself, I can thus simply enter into an addiction point and then there…I am ok again because I am sedating myself with some energetic addiction experience and no more have to face the Actual experience of myself within facing my world without this and thus also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter the application of taking self responsibility for myself and my world with the Key that opens the doors to addiction neatly in my pocket just in case I need it.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to face ALL my experiences that is me as who I have become to the point where I am able to be here as the directive principle of myself which is not the case when I require some addiction as a coping mechanism which implies that I have given my directive principle over to an experience of me as I have accepted and allowed this (experience) to influence me where I will not direct myself within my responsibilities but veer off into some addiction even when obvious common sense is that to face my responsibilities is best for me and best for the world, or even when I will lock myself away in my room and not want to do anything or face anything which is also an obvious point showing that my actions/expression is suffering due to me not standing and assisting and supporting myself to take responsibility for all experiences of myself, thus all of myself so that there is not one point/part that I would want to run from, which I would then create an addiction to hide within having to face that part/point/experience of myself.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to realize that when I “do not want to do something” that this is showing me an experience/point/part of myself that I am not wanting to face. I see, realize, and understand that to effectively support myself to actually live and express me I must in fact face myself as these points/parts/experiences, and so I assist and support myself to when and as I see this point/experience coming up within me of me “not wanting to do something” slow myself down and direct myself to align myself within an application of in fact “doing that which I do not want to do” as a point of assisting and supporting myself to face an experience/part/point of me that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing through creating/finding points of addiction to hide within instead of facing myself which I have insisted on doing and have not yet had the will to in fact face me.

I see, realize, and understand that I have used this statement that “I am not able to handle it” in facing certain points of myself/my world as an excuse to excuse myself from facing myself where instead I would just exist in the statement “I am not able to handle it” by thus going into some addiction point that i have made part of my life to hide from facing this particular point/experience of myself.

 

I commit myself assisting and supporting myself to face myself as the experience of me within taking responsibility for myself within my world. Where I commit myself to actually walk this point of facing that which I don’t want to, because I realize that I cannot hide from this forever, and also I commit myself to remind myself of the consequence of hiding from actually facing the experience of me within taking responsibility for myself within my world, which is anger, depression, sorrow, frustration, laziness, and lack of creativity or motivation to do anything, but just existing like a zombie each day going through the motions until I can get to that next point where I can sedate myself again, because I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the avoiding/ not wanting to take responsibility for my life/self, and so also I commit myself to investigate why I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking responsibility for myself and my life for so long, because it has been a long time and that is just weird. It really does not make sense that one/I have been willing to abuse oneself/myself to such an extent which is in essence what the entire population is doing just to avoid facing oneself and the actual experience of oneself.

I see/realize/understand that it is common sense that an individual care for themselves and express themselves in living in a responsible caring creative way that cause no harm to themselves or others, and that this is not at all what is being done by anyone which is weird don’t you think.

I commit myself to find out why I have abused myself instead of in fact lived within taking responsibility for myself and my life.

I commit myself to no longer accept the excuse “its to hard” in relation to facing myself within directing myself within the responsibilities of my life, but to assist and support myself to face any point/experience as I see this is necessary to in fact break the habit of hiding myself in addictions to avoid taking responsibility for myself/my life which just create a life of living/hiding in my room which is NOT Living at All.

FEATURED EQAFE INTERVIEW

Life Review – My Life as An Exercise Addict

Other Desteni Links

desteni.org

eqafe.com

equalmoney.org

desteniiprocess.com

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Heavens Journey To Life 7 Year Process Blogs

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