There is allot of “Drama” that goes on at my job. I wonder/question within myself how much of it is valid and how much just drama. So today there was more of this going on. I feel like everyone at my job just blames other people. I even see this point within myself of where I will have back-chat going in within me that indicate I am wanting to or simply blaming another for something.
It does make me angry but I don’t show it. But I see that I in fact get angry within myself in relation to all the “drama” that goes on at my work where I just want everyone to just be quiet and do the job. I speak within myself “it does not have to be this complicated” and I get frustrated that everybody does not see exactly what I see, and understand what I have been come to understand within process. I get frustrated with myself also that I am not able to see what is going on and direct but and so all the drama just continue and I experience myself as powerless to do anything about it because I am not yet able to bring to clarity the details of the points at play. Its like I to get trapped within the entire drama playing out.
Today at work one of my co-workers confronted me about a point at work and I could see that I went into defence mode. I did not want to hear about the point he was mentioning. I did not want to hear that I missed something. I know within myself that I have not been as specific as I can at work. Its kind of like I “stopped trying” though I tell myself it is more of a “stopping trying to please” I know that I will likely not be the one to get the blame so I don’t push myself to specificity and thoroughness. “Whats the point” that is some of the back-chat that comes up within myself in relation to this. In a way the guy had a point today. He was right in a way. That I did not care. I was not trying to deliberately get someone in trouble and some of the points I still question myself about, like asking myself “did I actually see the point and deliberately ignore it or did I in fact simply not yet see that point” and then this lead to also “Could I be more specific” “Am I being dishonest because I am not pushing myself to go to absolute detail”
I see that I have more taken a position of idling. “I am not interested in going that extra mile” When I was on the Desteni Farm I remember I always wanted to push myself to be specific and detailed in every aspect of my life. And with work, I would always push myself to be Here, stable and Specific in what ever I was doing, I would will myself to go into the corners I did not want to go into and I would will myself to take responsibility for points that came up and direct them immediately, I would push myself to always be “ready” so to speak, to direct a point immediately. So I stopped doing that slowly but surely as I have been back here in the system. This is more of a point that has “just happened” not something that I said “Now I am going to stop being specific” so to speak. But anyways with my job I noticed that I do not “go that extra mile” I kind of just maintain my position within my job and not “try and do more” so to speak. My reason is because “There is no point” which I see as back-chat and in fact an excuse.
See the thing is, I don’t care. I go to work and I work. I am not interested in “pleasing people” which it seems like we are setting out to do. I like that my boss cares about doing a good job. But I don’t like that he gets mad if “he gets complaints” I get angry because everything just seems to be based on frustration and blame and I don’t even know if the “complaints” we are getting is actually complaints or have been distorted through the grape vine. So from this perspective I “stopped trying” I don’t know what to believe anymore. I cannot trust anything anyone say’s at work because there seems to be some other layer or motive behind everything, and so It just gets frustrating and I don’t know if all jobs are like this or points in the system, but within all this I have gone into a more median approach to doing my job rather than trying to excel. I just do the job, I am not particularly specific about “getting everything” (btw I do lawn care so I am cutting grass and edging with a trimmer so making it look neat and tidy) So it just gets exhausting and so I just do my job, but Its like I am not really there doing it for me. I am doing it for the company I work for. My boss and crewleader cares about the complaints and things like that so I let them dictate what they want, and I follow there specs, And just use common sense. I sometimes feel like I should be doing more, I should be more specific. I should be more directive and that I am not doing enough. I am not enthusiastic enough, I just show up each day and I go to work and its fine. Its the job I have. Obviously Id like to have it where each one understand who we are within the context that I have come to understand within working with Desteni but that is not how the world works. I just don’t like conflict and it just seems like so much of the conflict that goes on is unnecessary. I have no real connection with my job. That’s how it has been. I just go there and work, and then go home, and thats really it. Sometimes I think that Maybe I should have more of a connection with it, but that point has not come through yet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that should have a connection with my job, and that because I don’t, I am being dishonest.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to distance myself from my job within and through the statement “I don’t care”
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see where this statement ‘I don’t care” in relation to my job originate from so that I see directly the point that I am facing within making the statement “I don’t care” and why this statement is coming up within me in the first place
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to do snow removal for myself this winter, instead of staying with the company and working with them doing snow removal.
So for this point I still must come to clarity on what is actually going on here. I do see the aspect of this being a “future projection” but at the same time there is quite a reaction I have within myself towards this point and “not knowing what to do”. I know what I want to do which is to go out on my own, but there is an other side of me that believe I should stay with my company. Neither side “want” to stay with the company but there is a voice within me that believes staying with my company is the Self Honest thing to do. But I don’t understand what is actually going on here within myself. I am not yet clear on this point and so still require to investigate this point more to stabilize myself within clarity within the point. The part of doing snow removal is Selfishness. That’s what I am seeing. I am Selfish because I just want to get away from my job and do my own thing. I am selfish because I am not willing to stay with my job. My Selfishness will “cost me” But this BIG Question is – Why am I getting so worked up about this and this point is still 2 months away. What is the point here that is within this point that is causing such an reaction within me – Related to “Being Trapped” seeing a ‘picture’ of myself in the shop and going into backchat- “I will not like it” So definitely reacting to picture in my mind of the future. Thus my experience/reaction/turmoil is based on a projection/picture of what I see/believe will happen/or what it will be like. Instead of Living Here in my actual Physical Reality and not getting trapped within my mind within a the “pictures” that come up within me which I react to and based my assessment of the future on, Thus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to a picture within my mind of “it being winter and me being in the shop of the job where I work now” where in I am still working for this job, which I go into reaction/resistance towards, and make the back-chat statement “I will not like it” and thus believe this picture and statement to valid and real and how things will actually be like/play-out not realizing that it is a picture projection that I am reacting to/that is causing my reaction and experience within and as me in relation to this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is wrong for me to want to go do snow removal on my own because then I don’t have to work as much and can make probably more money. Plus I will be on my own schedule and also have more responsibility with working with clients and also I can be more creative with regards to practicing advertising methods.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within inner conflict towards my job where I believe that I am supposed to be more connected to my job or like my job more than I do or just be more involved where up to now I have really stood back allot not getting to involved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Fear that I have not been/am not more involved that this means I am missing out on something that is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for resisting the job.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge the people at my job, and seeing this entire point as a dead-end.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to get connected to my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/fear that I am holding myself back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/fear that I am holding myself back by not being more assertive or “taking initiative” about the job, but where instead I am satisfied with just maintaining a more basic point within the job, where I just do my job and not hold allot of responsibility within the overall picture, but then I judge myself, believing that “I should be doing more”
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to “not care” about my job, because I see the point I am in as being so limited. Where my “not caring” is from the perspective of expanding myself within the job, because I see/perceive doing this as having no point because “nothing will come of it anyways.” And “there is no opportunity anyways for me in the job” as “I will just be poor” if I continue to work this job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the statement/back-chat, I will be poor if I continue to work this job, and to actually believe that statement, accepting it as a fact, when it is simply back-chat, and thus
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base important Life Decisions and Directions on my Back-Chat that is Not Fact, but is baseless assumptions, accusations, proclamations made within myself as a Character of Self Interest only trying to protect itself and not making actual truthful statements based on physical evidence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I continue to work this job I now have that “I will be poor and it will Not support me effectively” without actually considering if this statement within myself is real or if it is actually back-chat as a Mind Character speaking and not offering Sound Physical Estimations but only dealing with future projections that do not have a sound ground.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the statement/belief that “My job will not support me effectively financially if I stick with it and I will be held back due to not accumulating enough money to support and expand myself within moving myself in the system.” And that I have participated within this belief/back-chat with such faith as if it is absolutely truth without challenging it in any way at all, but have just agreed with the thoughts/back-chats/beliefs that come up inside me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear working at this job long term, due to fear of working with the people I am working with long term, where when ever I look at doing this, all I see, is that “this will be a failure” and “this will be living hell” and so just want work the rest of the summer and do something else afterwards.
I forgive myself for not realizing that reaction I am having towards “working this job longterm” is based on a picture that I see in my mind of me working next summer at this job where I see the faces of each of the employees I work with now, and then go into the reaction of resistance towards this.
I commit myself to investigating the relationships I have with my co-workers as I see that the above point illustrate that I am reacting the actual people I work with as this was a primary aspect of the future projection picture that came up within my mind, as the picture that came up to which I reacted to in relation to “working for the same company next summer”
Again, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my faith and trust in pictures in my mind as pictures that come up that show me some “future event” which I react to and believe is the in fact absolute truth, and so go into reaction towards and within my mind, instead of realizing that I am not Here but existing in play-outs as mental pictures as thoughts/projections within my mind which I am completely engrossed in/ reacting to and is thus causing energetic movements/reactions/fluctuations as the experience of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/fear that I would be making a terrible mistake to leave this job, where in I believe within myself that I must stay with this job and if I leave this job and do something else, I will regret it down the road.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with this job next year, as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this equals “Misery” and so have connected the point of Misery to the future projection of me working at this job next year.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing snow removal on my own is a big mistake and that if I do that “I am selfish” and just doing that to escape my job.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must know exactly how things will play out, and so have accepted and allowed myself to exist within, and contemplate future play-outs within my mind that I end up reacting to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with interacting with pictures within myself where I become totally possessed with my experience in relation to the pictures/thoughts within me, and that I am unable to let go of this point of participating within myself with pictures as I jump from one picture to the next, reacting and in essence playing around in the mind by picture jumping trying to sort everything out in mind in and as the pictures of and as my mind, instead of stopping this existence of me and bringing myself completely out of the mind to Here as the Physical Practical reality.
To be cont…
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