Nothing is Happening – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 97

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying/writing self forgiveness and to also within/in relation to this speak the words as back-chat within me “I really don’t feel like doing this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put off doing my daily self forgiveness application accepting and allowing myself to justify this through by telling myself that “I have done enough already” from the perspective of walking my daily writing application for enough days where in I have accepted and allowed myself to use this point of having walked consecutively for a number of days as a justification and excuse within and as my back-chat to attempt to manipulate myself to not apply self forgiveness and keep walking and applying myself in and as consistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience within me of and as being exhausted because then I can use this as an excuse to not apply myself within walking effectively in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within this “exhausted state” now for multiple days where within this I have accepted and allowed myself to do just the minimum in applying myself in process, and thus am in fact only limiting and diminishing myself and so thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for my limitations, not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand in clarity why I direct and will myself to walk my process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application consistently.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to just give up and indulge in the mind where in I do not do anything but just lounge around in the experience of “my life is so boring”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should get/deserve a reward for my application not seeing/realizing/understanding that the process of developing self awareness and getting to know and understand myself is the reward as the equal and one accumulation/consequence of self willed practical application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in the “nothing is happening experience” not seeing/realizing that this “nothing is happening” experience I have experienced before and I see is thus a pattern that I have often got stuck in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “want results” where in if I do not get results, I stop applying myself, not taking into consideration the actual amount of application and walking one is required to walk before actual “results” emerge as the equal and one reflection/consequence/accumulation of my process that I have physically walked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow impatient with myself and within this step into the “nothing is happening” experience as the “nothing is happening” Character where in I accept and allow myself to exist within a state of limbo where the words as back-chat “nothing is happening” or “when is something going to happen” come up within me, where in I am wanting some kind of result as “something to happen” as a result of my application like for instance “my life changing in some way” and so when I find things moving slow and nothing is happening,  I slip into an experience of despair where I just don’t want to do anything, and instead resort to hoping, wishing and praying that something will happen where in I will accept and allow myself to participate within the back-chat “when is something going to happen to me” and “this is taking to long” and “how long am I going to have to walk” and “I can’t take this” all back-chat within and as my experience of despair that I slip into when I am not seeing “anything happening”; instead of me continuing to walk my process in breath and direct myself within my daily responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the point of “nothing happening” as an excuse and justification to give up on myself and hide from my responsibilities where I step into an experience of “despair” within myself , instead of remaining here in and as breath, and directing myself in my practical daily responsibilities, thus indicating/implying that my experience of despair is more important to me than actually standing up and directing myself practically here as breath within the tasks before me to assist and support me to step out of the mind and live here in practical physical direction and support of what is best for all.

What I see here is the following.

This point of this particular experience/character I am facing has been here for a few days where the point has become more prominent and influencing. Within this I have experienced resistance to walking my process of writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application and other practical daily responsibilities. I have continued to walk my daily blog but have found the past 2 or 3 days I have resisted this much more but still walked the point. There has been more “fighting/struggling with myself” within my application during this time-frame as well. I have also been more allowing myself to blow or brush off directing myself in a moment in a practical / responsible way where I have just “let myself off the hook” This point in essence is Postponement. I see this experience I have been facing/waking the last few days has been a Aspect of my Postponement character where now the “experience” (unconscious) would be “despair” the back-chat (subconscious) would be – “Nothing is happening”, “how come this is taking to long”, “when is something going to happen” “I can’t do this” “I can’t take it anymore” And the thought taking me into this entire Character Play-out is…(I will get to this, not seeing it clearly here at the moment” The physical behaviour activate/acted out is a kind of heaviness that is over my body and I walk/move slower, and more leaning/laying back on my bed, and reclining more, hanging of the head, Signing within my breathing.

One point that has occupied me allot lately is the point of “relationship” and I actually see this as a prominent point here that is activating this entire play-out. I see either that this “relationship point” is either an excuse point to simply justify not applying myself or “Is” the point. Basically I have noticed ALLOT of thoughts regarding this point of Sex/Relationship/Agreement lately and also this experience of despair that I mentioned earlier I see is related to this point of Sex/Relationship/Agreement as follows:

First a thought as a picture comes up of a being within my world that “I see” in relation to the point of Sex/relationship/agreement. Then I immediately go into the point of “I don’t have a relationship/agreement/sex partner “ which bring me into that point of despair. So the Picture as the thought that comes up within me is a “positive point” then I immediately go into the opposite polarity of “I don’t have this” or “I will never get this” and also I am seeing here to some of the specific “back-chat” points I was taking about such as “when is ‘something’ ever going to happen” which means “when will I get a relationship/agreement partner” and so in thinking about this and particularly seeing this “far away” this experience of despair comes up, where I start thinking about this as “never happening” and so on. So yes, This point is “causing” allot of mind participation where I see that I have been engaging within this point quite a bit lately and is thus definitely a prominent  point which is determining my overall experience of myself lately.

So from a certain perspective this experience of despair I have “created” for myself is in relation to this “not having a relationship/agreement” and then I end up having to pull myself out of this experience that I placed myself in to practically apply myself where “I really don’t want to”

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to step/walk out of this/my experience of “despair” that I have placed myself into and get myself back to a point of stability where I am stable here in and as the moment and not pre-occupied within my mind/head.

I commit myself to utilizing these next few days to instead of continuing my “fall” into / existence within despair, to rather assist and support myself to stabilize myself back here where I am more stable in applying myself practically/physically within my process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application as well as my DIP assignments and other practical responsibilities.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to Align myself with walking my process as practically directing myself in what is necessary to be done, within the realization that this “experience of despair” is a pattern that I see I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within / create as a sequential event that has/have continuously re-occurred within my life “right on schedule” as a point I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and participate in within and as my existence of and as myself as the mind. And so thus see/realize/understand that firstly, this is a pre-program pattern/habit/ behaviour, secondly that I must in fact change this living behaviour of and as myself where in I no more accept and allow myself to exist within such a point but instead assist and support myself to Align myself HERE in and as the physical within a point of Stability and Consistency where I am simply Here and Stable, the same today, yesterday and tomorrow practically applying myself within self responsibility.

I commit myself to within my practical application of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements/application/living, assist and support myself to change Myself as my accepted and allowed Living Behaviour from The behaviour / application of “going into despair” and “existing in a pit of despair for days on end” to  the behaviour application of remaining Here within applying myself /directing and walking my practical responsibilities and my application of writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application.

I see/realize/understand that to exist within this “experience of despair” only begets more despair and thus perpetuate this “experience of despair” I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed as/within my living behaviour through repetition. And so through repetition and willing myself to remain here in and as the physical and not go into this experience, I correct/realign myself as/from this living behaviour until it is no more here as me but what is then here as me is Me here Directing Myself within Stability and Breath in Practical Self Responsibility within the context of what is best for all.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to walk through moments / time-frames where “nothing is happening in my world” and assist and support me to no more accept and allow this “there is nothing happening” to be excuse for me to stop applying myself, but that I realize now is a point/ sequence in time I simply must assist and support myself to walk through in self stability continuing to apply myself in practical self responsibility in every moment.

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