Yesterday I wrote a blog pertaining to money and the “fearing the worst case scenario” character/point that I saw within me emerging from this situation/point. Today I am going to continue with looking at this point, specifically looking here at what else emerged from the crevasse that was opened from the phone call I had yesterday regarding my debt/money which was the phone call/point that triggered allot of experiences within me so here continuing with this point.
During the call yesterday I experienced quite a shock of sorts. I experienced a heaviness come over me in relation to the point that was emerging/unfolding. I had a plan within me about how I was directing my life and directing my money specifically towards setting up a business and purchasing the required tools that I would need for this.
I have been investigating this point for some time now but have never had enough income to start moving any of the specifics and also I was continuing to walk within my world so to have a more clear picture come through with regards to the best way forwards.
During the phone call yesterday I was informed that I would have to pay a certain amount of money monthly to pay back my loan which was 4x the monthly amount which I had budgeted for.
This is where the heaviness came over because when I herd this, and as this unfolded, all my plans that I had set up within me where falling apart so to speak and was appearing like this might even set me back a year behind with regards to where I wanted to be next year with setting up a business.
So that “was a tough pill to swallow” and thus the heaviness came over me as this form of depression and disappointment and anger and rage, and basically a whole myriad of experiences came up and back-chat so I am here sorting through this stuff that came out so that I can see the Characters that “Activated” during this event.
I see the “Failure” Character in such back-chat / inner dialog as “I knew it” where “I knew I would fail” this is also related to the idea that I have created that “things will never work out” where this even became like this idea playing out right before my eyes.
I noticed allot of anger inside me coming up. Especially today in relation to the back-chat that was coming up in relation to the person I spoke to yesterday on the phone, where in my mind today I was replying this discussion that was taking place where in my mind/inner dialog/back-chat I was exerting allot of anger onto this women, where I was speaking within myself all the things that I really wanted to say/exert out in anger towards the entire situation.
I was also fighting allot within myself looking for where I was actually “not wanting to see the obvious”. I could see my reaction was quite extensive and so an obvious reaction which to me indicate points that I am not wanting to see or look at.
Today I phone back and was “more prepared” to “give the system what it wanted” in terms of information which yesterday I went into a form of spite and deliberately being an ass not complying with the system like an angry teenager that knows the answer but refuse to cooperate out of spite
So I am going to explore this point more within self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in back-chat today towards the person I had a conversation with on the phone yesterday about my repaying my loan, where within my back-chat I was exerting my own frustration and anger about the situation onto/towards the women within an accepted and allowed position/stance of “its not fair” in relation to having to pay back much more money than I had planned for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in disappointment when I herd that I would have to payback much more money than I had planned for because I felt so powerless to change this where now I feared that I would have to walk the same/similar cycle that I am now in for yet another entire year instead of being able to start a business like I had planned for, and thus going into disappointment because my plans were in danger of not working out.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a point of failure before the details were even worked out and I had a better idea/picture of what was going to happen, but to immediately activate my “Failure Character” participating/existing in such back-chat as “I knew it” – “ I should have known better that this wasn’t going to work out” and in this back-chat participate/exist within myself as my “Failure Character”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into complete defence during the conversation and afterwards where within myself in my back-chat I became hysterical arguing and fighting for my rights and claiming it wasn’t fair, where I attempted to rectify the situation by using rational and common sense, instead of realizing that the system does not care about that. The system responds to numbers and procedures and math.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself a victim within this situation where I saw myself as the loser and in essence the system as the winner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry around within me where ever I go day in and day out the “expectation of the worst” or “expecting the worst” where I am in constatnt fear of this happening which exist as a kind of black heaviness within me in my life in everything that I do. Because I believe that “no matter what I try” at some point I am going to have a really really bad experience /situation. A point that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in constant fear of within my life, not realizing that even when things “seem fine” that this point is still within me, deep down as an influencing point in day to day life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “nothing I do works” and also that “nothing I do in the system works” from the perspective of me being able to navigate the system effectively and create an effective life for myself where I more exist within a point of seeing/believing myself to be doomed to a miserable life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be doomed to a miserable life, and that I have accepted this idea as “who I am”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in nasty/angy back-chat within myself towards the women/conversation I had with the women yesterday where in this I exert my anger and sadness and frustration and doubt out onto this women/conversation, within my back-chat, screaming and shouting and wishing that my words would ring clear and be herd and agreed with so that everything was fixed and I could walk the path I had laid out for me.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop my back-chat in relation to this women/conversation I had with this women yesterday regarding my loan, within the realization that “the system will never hear me” the system responds to numbers and procedures and so thus this is how I in fact communicate with the system, by following protocol and procedures.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not keeping time with the system where I was blaming myself for not being better, and more effective in the system and with having money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in my movements within and as the system as “keeping time with the system” where I make sure that I follow all the system procedures with specificity and detail and become a master of the system as standing equal to the system, a point which I feared was catching up with me for not doing this, and now I must pay the price, and so thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “paying the price” for the way I have lived my life in the system where I never took responsibility for myself within keeping time with the system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and redeem myself from neglecting my system responsibilities as “keeping time with the system” where in I go into a form of “pleading and reasoning and arguing trying to use logic and build my case against the system” doing this all in my back-chat as a way to try and stop consequence that I fear is catching up with me, instead of dropping this entire “Charcter” which is completely possessed with trying to stop what has already been done, and also that fear things that may not even be so where this character becomes fixated on “fearing the worst” and believing that this will happen that it automatically goes into a form of defence towards this happening trying to “find a way out” becoming fixated and possessed within and as itself on trying to avoid the train wreck that it believes is imminent.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to drop this character and simply walk here as breath, not trying to or attempting to stop that which has already been sealed because I obviously cannot change what has been done and so there is no point in possessing myself within attempting to do that, and also to stop fixating’fearing on this point as the Character that is desperately trying to find a way out , where this Character fixates on the worst case scenario.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see through the eyes of / exist as the “Fearing The Worst” Character not realizing that the only thing that this character as myself is able to see is FEAR, as this character exist completely and totally as fear with no practical reasoning ability or ability to see common sense.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/recognize that my experience of myself as “despair” and “existing in total fear” is actually a character, and is thus does/do not have an actual relationship with the what is actually Here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enter into the “fearing the worst Character, that is irrational and makes outrageous claims based only in fear with no ability to reason within and as practical common sense.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that when I am trying to reason with another being in my mind and making assertions and claims and fighting for my right, that I am existing as a character and not actually here in and as the physical.
I commit myself to stop “arguing for my rights” and realize that only a Character possessed in and as fear argues for its rights, or argues at all for that matter, and to instead when I see myself going into a point of “trying to argue for my rights” that I stop and bring myself here as breath. I realize that I must not wait for consequence to catch up with me, not is it necessary for me to fear consequence that may or may not be. The point is to do effectively what I am able to within my daily application to prepare/develop myself to stand equal to the system, to where in this I ensure that all my t’s are crossed and my I’s dotted so that I do not end up “paying for a missed point” due to my own neglect and carelessness.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am fearing my own carelessness. My own carelessness that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the past which I fear now catching up with me.
I commit myself to live specificity and detail when dealing/working/existing within the system, preparing myself to be effective and exact within my deailings operations with the system so that I no more have to fear the system catching up with me in some point that I missed out but that I am able to prepare myself to be so effective that I am able to move and direct myself as the system as I know/understand/comprehend the inner workings/details/fineprint of the system through careful reading / research /study and application of the rules of the system, so that I no longer have to fear the system but am able to move effectively within it.
I commit myself to becoming a perfect system robot, and to integrate this as one of my primary points for me to commit and cultivate myself within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shrug my shoulders both within as the statement of “I don’t know” / “beats me” and physically without as the actual physical shrugging of my shoulders in relation to when I encounter a point within the system that I really don’t know much about where in this I in essence accept my unknowing and ignorance of the point through “shrugging it off” within the believe that “its ok that I don’t know that right now” instead of pushing /willing/directing myself to come to clarity within the point for myself so that it no longer exist as an uncertainty that I allow within me that thus I have in essence “not cared to look at” and thus accepting and allowing myself to dispempower me within becoming effective in the system.
I commit myself to stop living out a Character of Neglect in relation to the System / getting to know the system where in living out this character accept and allow myself to come up with excuses and ways to simply brush off even coming to know in exact detail how the system functions and to so thus actually being able to stand equal to the system, instead of no more accepting and allowing myself to live out/participate with such a Character of Neglect in relation to the workings / procedures of the system but rather make it a point for me to align myself with the timing and programming of the system as a starting point of standing equal and one to what is here, so to not be stuck fighting and arguing for my rights against / with the system but instead being able to stand in mutual relationship with and as the system working with the systems and processes and procedures effectively to support my functioning and flow within it.
I commit myself to within writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application Align myself with the system where I can walk effectively my current understanding, that I must first stand equal to the system before I am able to change it, and thus utilize this understanding as motivation to align myself to the timing of the system as the first step I am required to take/walk where I become thoroughly effective at Orienting and Aligning myself with the procedures and policies and rules and regulations of the system where I in essence “play by the book”, where in I direct myself to know “the book” inside and out to facilitate my process of correcting myself from my position/stand point of neglecting ever getting to know how the system works to Standing Equal and One to the System and thus becoming effective at directing/moving myself within it instead of just always existing disempowered as a subject to/result of my own neglect / lack of understanding within the system, in the system.
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