Defining Some Moments/Characters as More Valuable Than Others – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 72

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to living as certain characters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within resentment within a certain character, not realizing that resentment is a character trait of the particular character that I am living/existing as, as the Character that must “go to work and work a job”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop preferences towards certain characters that I prefer to live/exist as and then attempt to control and manipulate my environment so to be able to exist as certain characters that I prefer to exist as.

Today at work I got the idea in my head that I would get Saturday and Sunday off from work. I knew that there was possibility that I might have to work Saturday but held onto within myself, the possibility that just maybe I would get the entire weekend off and then I could relax and not have to work at all, and just enjoy the point of not working and could more “focus on other stuff”.

In my blog yesterday I was looking at the point of “Characters” that I have created around being at/going to work and the characters I have created around being at home and not having to work.

So today I had another prominent reaction/experience within myself in relation to this point so am going to explore this now to continue my investigation/deconstruction of these Characters that I have created/designed as myself, specifically here exploring the ones I have created/designed in relation to work/job.

So I mentioned how I had this thought/hope/character within me today…The – “Maybe I will get Saturday Off” Character, that gets all excited about this hope but is one dimensional as it is already existing within a point of limitation where in its total existence depends on “getting Saturday off” – Ok, wait…Though now I am seeing that this Character “ does not like to work” and so exist in a total polarity, and is also not singularly the character of “maybe I will get Saturday off” but also, and even more so the Character of “I hate work” and “ I don’t want to work” and so “please please please can I get Saturday off”, “because I don’t want to work”, “I don’t like it”, “I want to have the day off”, “I want to do other stuff”, “because I would rather do that” – Character.

So today I noticed this point within me and at the end of the day I was contemplating asking about if there was going to be work today, where I just wanted to get in my car and drive home and not ask at all because if I ask then this maybe open up the point of me now having to work on Saturday which I distinctly did not want at all.

I asked and it turns out that there is possibility now of me working tomorrow and when this happened my total experience of me changed completely. See, I rather did not want to ask so that I could exist within this idea, thus experience of myself of not having to work tomorrow and so could “let go and relax” now, due to maybe having to work tomorrow “ I still have to exist in ‘work mode’” – I do not enjoy “work-mode” I spend allot of time trying to exist/get out of “work-mode”.

In Work-Mode, one of my primary experiences of myself is that Its like I “take a deep breath, and go” And so for the week I exist in this “work mode” experience and so today as I thought about finally being able to step out of work mode, not being able to work today, to then find out that I might have to work Saturday, and to within finding this having to pull everything back into me and take that deep breath and Hold myself still in work mode, not yet being at a point where I can finally let go, and exhale and relax and rest for a moment until the point return again where I have lift myself up and “continue working”.

I was looking at the point of Me enjoying the point of “not being in work mode” because “I can relax” and actually do more things that my mind enjoys, and so there is the aspect of me not liking my experience of myself at work is related to me preferring to be not at work.

I experience myself as a slave at work. I feel like a slave with no say, just working as a slave for someone else to tell me what to do and how to do it and when to do it, and I just obey and follow instructions and be a “good obedient worker” so that I retain my job and get my pay-cheque.

I often look at the people (my co-workers) around me and ask myself “how do they stand this” I wonder if they experience the same thing as me?

I wonder if I am the only one experiencing myself “this way” while at work – Feeling like a slave and essentially hating being at work and only being there for the money with where any possible enjoyment is always tainted with the underlying factor of me “being in work-mode” as that experience of me kind of just holding my breath and getting it done so I can get the fuck outta there and eventually finally get to a point where I can finally step out of work mode and back into non-work mode which in that moment I experience as a form of Euphoria, literally like an Orgasm, when I get into my care Friday after work and I know that I have the whole weekend off. I just kind of sink into that experience, letting go of all my responsibilities of work knowing that I will not have to think about it and can “get on with my life”

So here I see that “work” is something that interferes with my life. I experience that I am always trying to “get out of working” because “its not my life” Its that thing I have to do? Doesn’t everyone feel/experience themselves that way? The obligation point of work.

Escaping Responsibilities – I am going to Look at this point as this is a point I mentioned in my opening up the point of my experience in relation to working.

I understand that my process of birthing myself as Life is a point of Taking Responsibility For what is here, and no more accepting and allowing myself to try and Escape Responsibility but to ensure that I am always Standing within the point of giving effective direction to the Responsibilities of Standing up as Life within and as What is Best for ALL.

I at this stage I see work as a Responsibility and so thus place this as a priority within my world to ensure that I have a stable income.  I tell myself that even though I may not enjoy my job, it is essential within the context of the system in me learning how to walk in the system effectively and stand equal to the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to walk in self specificity within my job because “its my job” and must be in “job-mode” where I am not here at all but in “job/work-mode” where I am there to just get things done and then get out of there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no alternative to being in job/work-mode meaning “it will always be like this until an equal money system is in place” and so just accept this experience of myself as “work/job-mode” believing there is really nothing I can do about it, and so everyday I must work, just take a breath but that is more like sucking in my sigh, and then walking within and as my experience of myself in work/job-mode not seeing/realizing/understanding any other way to be or direct myself within this point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no say at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a slave at work, with no say or opinion or ability to really have any input because I simply must do what the bosses say, as that is my job as a “worker” I work, and do what is told of me, and where in this I going into an experience of defeat within myself as a carry out the wishes of the bosses, believing that I must bare it and just do it, as this is point I must walk at this moment, and in this not seeing/realizing/understanding any other way to be and so just accept this experience as me as who I will have to be/experience myself as until I can find another way which “seems so hopeless because it just seems like this will be so far in the future and so will have to endure this experience of myself that I experience everyday when I go to work where I must take a deep breath in as in holding myself in, sucking myself up as the sucking up of my sigh that I actually experience as me within my experience of me in relation to “having” to go work, where I simply take a breath and go, and do what needs to be done, while the entire time existing in a state of obligation and within a form of depression every day I am at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a form of depression every day I am at work/ must go to work, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as this depression, doing this for so long that I don’t even notice anymore that my underlining experience of myself every day I am at work is actually depression.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate this experience of myself as depression while being at work, to find the source/core of why I have accepted and allowed this experience of myself while at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience depression while at work because I think within myself “how long will this take” I just want to get this over with and “get onto something else that is better” and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously exist within a “the grass is greener on the other side” experience/state of myself which underlines my experience of myself at work in and as work/job-mode where I am just always wanting and wishing and hoping and yearning to just finally get the fuck out of there because I just want to get onto something that I actually like doing and actually enjoy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life is “not when I am work” but that “My Life” really happens when I am off work “doing what I want”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within the idea that “work is not life” where I have created this idea that I am limited while working and am not able to reach my full potential within “work” or “working some job” which I always experience as limitation to the point of cringing inside me where I am exist in what seems like a constant cringe within my very beingness due to being at work, and just wanting to get through it, as I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/accept/define it as limiting , and just get done with work and get to other things where i can really express, explore, develop, expand myself and become more effective at life and improved within this world – that which I cannot do at work, as work is just so fucking limited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my life “wasting away” when/while I am at work, and so developed this point within me where I just wanted to be finished with work so my life is not a waste and I can get to doing this that are actually valid and will make me a more effective human being, and within this, I forgive myself for not realizing that that which I have defined as the things that is apparently more than work and will make me a better human being are not actually more or better but that i have created the idea that they are and thus enslaved and limited me to this idea without effectively investigating if these points are actually “better than work” and that “being at work” is actually a limitation of myself as who I am or if this is in fact just some idea that I have created and integrated deeply into myself, which I am now unable to see due to the degree of depth within which I have accepted this as the truth of who I am and how things are, and so just experience myself within this particular “work-state” all the time and not being able to stop this experience of myself and so going into hopeless that I will just have to “endure” this forever not considering that this point of believing that I must “endure” this is related to the degree of depth at which I have integrated this belief/my beliefs about work and not work in relation to work being of limitation and wasting my life while when not working I can then “do that which is really important”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am as importance will not/does not develop while being at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see “working” and the things that I do at work as “limited” from the perspective of those attributes having “no real value” to me as a being / or the development of myself as a being of Integrity Standing as Life within the principle of what is best for all. Where I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and define those things or “Real Value and Integrity” do not lie within the tasks at work and the application of myself going to my job everyday to work – and so just feel so one-dimensional at work repeating and doing the same task everyday, believing “I will never amount to anything” doing these tasks all day long, and so within this thought experience and go into a form of sadness and frustration that I must be at work and there-in long to be done work and at home where apparently I will be able to more effectively develop into a more substantial fulfilled being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will never experience fulfilment at work and so long to get done with work so I can direct myself within that which will “give me some fulfilment” to fill me up within the emptiness of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that real value is in Art, not Work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that real expression is in Art, not Work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Fulfilment as only being possible within Self Expression within Art, as Art is where real substantial Value and thus fulfilment is for me, and that work is meaningless as it simply does not contain this possibility of Fulfilment as I have defined this only being possible within Art or “Other Things” that are not work, and thus have denied myself to opportunity to Live Self Fulfilment at work, due to me being stuck within the idea that this is only possible for myself within my expression within Art or Creative Stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so stuck in my pre-designed idea of value and fulfilment that I have denied myself the opportunity to live here in breath utilizing every moment as an opportunity to express me substantially, not simply limiting this “type of expression” to when I am doing art or something else that is specifically “not working”

I commit myself to within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application support myself to let go of my past definitions about “work” and “not work” so to be able to exist HERE in and as every breath where not matter what I am doing I am Here as me and Expressing myself within my highest potential realizing that this should exist as me Here in every moment no matter what I am doing.

I commit myself to continuing to explore this point about “work” within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application so that I am able to live here in every moment with and as myself and no more limit myself to when I am living/existing Here in and as myself because I can apparently not do this while at work.

I commit myself to through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application, develop self clarity and definitive Self Direction within transforming myself from who I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as now as existing within a particular “Depression Character” at work so to see that I am able to Exist Equally Here while I am at work just as in any other moment and that Equally Here will be an Opportunity as Every breath to Live Creatively and Express my highest potential, where this is not something that is only limited to for instance doing Art but that I see as a point that Exist as a Potential In Every breath, and so through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application will assist and support myself to walk this realization and test this within my living expression no more accepting and allowing myself to limit my “real self expressive moments” to when I am not at work, but letting go/delting this idea, and allowing myself to live/walk real self expressive moments where ever I am in every moment, transforming ALL aspects as Moments of my world to Equal Opportunities to Express me to/within my highest potential and fulfilment, instead of limiting myself within this, having accepting and allowing myself to believe that “I cannot do this at work” which is a point of self accepted limitation.

I commit myself stopping “hoping that I don’t have to work tomorrow” due to “seeing work as a limitation” and seeing/realizing/understanding how I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of “where, when and how I can live my optimum expression” which has been extensively limited and does no include all moments, which I see/realize/understand is Self Limitation, which I no more accepting and allow myself to perpetuate and thus commit myself to stepping out of this “Character” that “does not want to work tomorrow” due to this “self accepted limited idea about self expression” being an integral quality of this Character, and so commit myself to stepping out of this Character and Ending this Character Completely and Permanently and Stepping Into /as Myself Here when every moment is an opportunity to express within/into self fulfilment, no matter if I am at work or not.

I commit myself to within writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application, investigate/ take apart my idea of fulfilment and how I defined this only in relation to Art, and have place values as levels of fulfilments on particular things in life where I have essentially judged some moments as things as more than others and having more value such as art and others as having less value to me as my optimum expression/fulfilment ability such as “working at a job” and to correct / align this so that I am able to walk every moment Here as myself in breath, instead of ending up in some moments thinking about being somewhere else better and thus not being here.

I commit myself to within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application transform myself within my accepted and allowed idea of fulfilment to be able to walk this in and as Every Moment, no matter what I am doing no matter if I am at work or not, and so to in essence Equalize myself . My moments within this so no more am I giving more value as ability and potential to some moments over others but to align myself with living Every Moment as an Opportunity to Live Express my Highest Potential.

I commit myself to STOP Living My Self Accepted Limitation of and as Me where I can Only Live to my Highest Potential in Some moments “depending on what I am doing” as I see this this “Idea” I have accepted as me is Limited and thus no more accepting and allow myself to exist as this Self limited Idea.

I commit myself to within writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application explore/de-construct my Definition of Fulfilment / Self-Fulfilment, and to within this exploring the particular dimension of this definition that is related to Art and how I have created my Self Limited Definition of Fulfilment/Self Fulfilment in relation Art/Artistic Things/Creativity.

desteni.org

eqafe.com

equalmoney.org

desteniiprocess.com

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