Today I am going to continue on the Point of “working in the system” as this has been one of the primary points I have worked with within my Journey to Life blogs thus far and so am going to here continue exploring/opening up this point as a point of support so as to come to a point of clarity and effectiveness within directing myself within this point.
I noticed that in conjunction with this point of “working a job in the system” is the point of “financial stability”
I have never had a point/period in my life where I was financially stable. My entire life has been in a way “sporadic” in relation to money and I have never been at a point of actual “Financial Stability” where I am actually satisfied with this, and am able to maintain this point of financial stability within my reality.
Again today at work, things seemed to be unstable and shifting around allot. I have found this to be the case since I started this new job about a month and a half ago. On the one hand the hours at work have been consistent and stable where on the other hand, there has been an underlining tension and stress that also has been consistent which has been causing allot of fluctuations within myself and others.
So there is this point of stability within the physical, though the mind as the emotional/experienctial point as been fluctuating all over the place. Even today I was threatened to be fired. I have never been fired before – lol. So this is kind of a strange point because the actual physical job in itself has been consistent and stable in terms of the hours have been quite regular but this regularity and stability within the hours worked is for some reason not aligning with Emotional Stability. And it is this Emotional Instability and fluctuations that I find to be causing the most rifts and discomfort within me.
So today I was threatened to be fired, and even though within myself I am thinking “that won’t happen” on the other hand I am also seeing that this emotional fluctuations where it seems everyday there is some emotional stress point that is being placed on the workers (myself) which makes things seems so unstable where within myself I am constantly going back and forth between “job it good – job is bad” “job is good – job is bad” and haven’t yet found that stability point where things get settled.
Within this I am constantly questioning my placement within reality in terms of “if this is the right job” “what if I lose this job” “what if I get fired” “how much longer can I take this” “will this emotional turmoil point within the job eventually settle down” “Am I in the right job” “what other jobs can I do” “Should I look for something else to do” and so on where questions of this nature are always coming up as opposed to if the Job was stable and I was satisfied within the point that I “knew” that this was the correct placement of myself, which I am always questioning, particularly due to the emotional instability that is taking place in my job at the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the “emotional instability” within my workplace “out of my hands” as if I am in not way the cause of such a point, and within this in essence separating myself from the point where I am not placing myself in a way where I am able to take Responsibility for the point within ensuring that my expression / participating is not “fuelling” the point even further.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold within myself deep at the back of me, a hope that something else will open up or happen within my world where I will finally get a job or into a position where I will be satisfied with my job and will be stable within my decision to walk that job into my future as a point of Self Support for me in developing financial stability as well as an effective understanding of how the system functions as well as preparing me effectively to support the emergence of an equal money system in time to come – that which I have accepted and allowed myself to within participating in this secret hope within myself Question about my current job, thus not really giving myself a stable foundation of commitment to stand on and in this support the stability of myself within my job and the stability of my job as a whole as I as a component of that job will not be constantly existing in a state of not ever committing to the job but more existing within a point of “ready to run” at any moment, where I am just waiting for the right opportunity to come up where I can “get the fuck out of there” not to spite my boss or fellow employees, but to apparently “finally get into a stable working point that I actually can settle myself into and really be satisfied with my position/placement within it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly hold within myself “the point of artwork” as a potential way to find employment within my world, where this point, specifically related to design/illustration/graphic design, has continually existed within me the entire time that I have worked in landscaping.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to really explore this point of graphic design as a potential career change as a point that I could actually see myself walking, but have continued to suppress and put off as I felt that I am not qualified and that it would be to hard to bring into my world, though, never letting it go, and thus never being able to fully commit to the landscaping point as this point of Art/Graphic Design has been nagging within me the entire time as a point that “ I would like to do”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass off doing graphic design as a pipedream instead of investigating the practicality of this point in actually getting the necessary training to walk this point as a point of developing financial stability.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that in by me constantly holding within me the point of doing graphic design while I am working in a complete different industry that this is not a recipe for stability as this constant questioning of my position and “what Ifs” around the point of “what if I was able to do graphic design” instead of the job I am now, resonate as my “Who I am” living which cause a point of instability within myself and thus my world.
I forgive myself for not realizing that this point of graphic design is like a backdoor and that if for instance one were to look at this from the perspective of going into an agreement/relationship with another being that this backdoor of constantly wondering about this other point would cause complete instability in the relationship/agreement that one currently is walking and thus eventually bring the demise of the current relationship/agreement if the backdoor point is not sorted out, where this is what is going on with my job because I am working in one job and “trying to commit” meanwhile always having this back-door within me of possibly someday doing something else ‘ working in a different field that I feel would suit me better such as Art/Graphic Design.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk the practical steps necessary to acquire the necessary training to do graphic design instead of accepting and allowing myself to brush off this point and rather have it continuing to exist within me as a hope which is causing instability within my current placement in the workforce.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire to acquire the necessary skills to do graphic design, instead of taking Actual Physical Practical Steps to walk this point to make it a reality instead of having it continue to exist as only a hope with no practical direction ever given to it, as I come up with various excuses why it would not work, or why not to pursue/explore/give practical direction to this point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait on this point of directing myself practically to develop this point as graphic design as a point for me to walk within the system because of my experience within doing this in the past which was a stressful experience and so when ever this point of graphic design come up now, I immediately go back to my past and my experience within this point in my past and thus base my decision to not pursue this point on my experience of doing this in the past, where I have come to a conclusion/idea based on my past experiences that this point will not work, and so just accept this idea, though not seeing that I realize that there is still much in relation to this point that can be explored and so my “accepting my idea of this point not working” is not valid, yet I accept it anyways instead of allowing myself to See my realization that, I have not yet effectively practically walked this point of graphic design enough to in fact make an accurate assessment of if it will work or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into automatic guilt whenever I think about doing Art/Graphic design as a career because I have defined this as “following Desire instead of Practicality” instead of investigating the practical considerations around this point, looking at how the point could be walked practically where ALL desire is removed from the equation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my application of practically applying myself within exploring/opening up this point for me within my world of doing graphic design as a point of financial stability by automatically thinking “it can’t be done”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “making an idiot of myself” by trying to make pigs fly as the point of trying to walk a point that is simply not practical and thus ending up embarrassed that I accepted and allowed myself to exist within such a state where I actually convinced myself that what I was walking was in fact practical to only find out that it was not thus indicating that I was walking a desire that was not based in practical reality, but instead in self interest and then in this experiencing embarrassment that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as this, and so brush off the graphic design point when ever it comes up due to thinking that this is one of those cases where it is “pie in the sky”
I commit myself to investigating / exploring within writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application myself/ my experience in relation to walking/pursuing graphic design as a possible career change to establish financial stability within and as me / my world, where I investigate my inner experience I have towards this point and write it out for myself so as to get to clarity on this point instead of continuously brushing it off to the side as a form of self spite.
I commit myself to explore within writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application, my fears and anxieties in relation to walking / pursuing this point of graphic design as a possible career point for me to walk to establish myself within the system within a stable point as a career as well as financial stability point.
I commit myself to explore within writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, why I have not accepted and allowed myself to purse this point of graphic design within my world but have held back, constantly putting it off to the side and brushing it away again and again, and to explore the various aspects of why exactly I have been brushing this off to the side and what exactly made me brush it off to the side and what was going on within myself as thoughts, fears, anxieties, emotions, feelings which cause me to constantly be brushing this point of graphic design/ art off to the side.