The Road to reWARd – An Artists Journey to Life: Day 55

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want what others have, and until I get it, refuse to direct myself within an application of self change where in my decisions, directions, and application of self is that which is practically aligned with Real Self Change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself within the point of refusing to change until the conditions are met which I have accepted and allowed myself to first demand as what I want before I will change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand that I want a better life before I change myself to exist as that which is best for all, doing this subtly as the excuse and reasons and justifications I come up with as to why self change is apparently “so difficult” or that “I am unable to do any more” not realizing that these excuses and justifications are connected to the conditions I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto as my wants, needs and desires, instead of bringing myself to a point of unconditionally within my process, realizing that all desires, wants and needs, before I change to support life is in fact Self Interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, before I will give.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at each and every aspect of my life from the starting point of attempting to get what I want, instead of looking at it unconditionally from the perspective of how to direct myself within what is best for ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to design myself with the rule that I must first get something before I give back, or direct myself within a “giving” application. A “giving” from the perspective doing that which is I actually see is best for all which in its nature is a giving of life and based on equal and one support instead of how I am currently existing which is based on taking and first wanting conditions met before I will give, apply, contribute myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be constantly looking for “what I can get” and “how I can get” as the foundation for my process and practical application of self change, not realizing how this is in fact sabotaging myself within actually being able to change for real, as if my decision to change was for real, I see that my consideration within each moment would be how to direct myself unconditionally within that which is best for all, looking for how to give myself instead of what rewards will I get.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not strong enough to give up “rewards” as the experience of me as “receiving” for what I do and how I express myself. Where I have not yet giving up this addiction of requiring rewards and receiving in all that I do, And have thus never directed myself unconditionally within my Application of me as my Self Expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not receive that I will run out of energy and run out of sustenance to keep me going, never considering that this sustenance (energy) that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe is real, is something I in fact do not actually require to live and express me, or keep me going. but that I have not dared to push through those moments where I believe I require energetic sustenance to keep me going and give me strength.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I only apply myself if there is a light at the end of the tunnel as some point in my life or consideration that might possibility be a point to fulfil a want, need, or desire within me, and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to dare to walk/live/express myself unconditionally even where there is absolutely no point here supporting my desires, wants, needs, as possible outcome within my walking.

And thus

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to dare to walk unconditionally where there is no reward as energetic experience that I am walking towards or in relation to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within Hesitation within applying myself in what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions of self change that are temporary, which I realize are then not in fact decisions of self change as the clause always exist in such decisions that I will return to who I have always existed as so that I can return to applying myself in a way where I first get what I want and desire, as my energetic experience of myself, instead of to walk regardless of what I receive in doing so, where I walk unconditionally as a giving of myself and in this giving up the requirement for some energetic experience to be a condition of my walking/ application/ direction but to always based this on what is best for all unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to do what is best for all until my life is better and is working effectively.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to do what is best for all regardless of what my life is like, meaning, I realize that to do what is best for all is a point where I stop existing within wanting first before I give and apply myself in a way that may be uncomfortable due to the fact that I am deliberately facing and walking through resistance of myself as I transform myself to direct myself in a way that is best for all instead of how I have always existed as myself as self interest and wanting and needing some kind of reward as an outcome of my direction.

I commit myself to walking roads where there is no reward at the end, but to rather walk such roads within and as principled living as a point of unconditionally supporting what is best for all as an expression of unconditional giving of myself with no need for reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist only for myself and my own experience, and have been unwilling to stop existing for myself only and rather base the starting point of my living existence on that which is best for all.

 

The point I am exploring here is Self Spite. This point of Self Spite, and Spitefulness came up on chat and so I have decided to look at this point of Self Spite as being a point within me that I have utilized within myself to guide myself in my process. This point of Self Spite has a form of invisibility to it. Today I was looking at this point of why I hesitate right at the moment of Action. It’s like I get to the very decision/action point and then I stop myself and hesitate, and procrastinate, instead of directing myself. So this is the point I was looking at and what is in fact taking place.

For the past months I have had allot of excuses as to why I have been unable to participate within process in a way that is effective/diligent. Though within this there is this point within me where I see that if I really wanted to apply myself in process and effectively change myself, that I would! I would find a way, and that is exactly what I have not been doing.

Thus I must question my entire process, my entire application. I see my process and my application of still being a Lie. And so I am going to have a look at this point of Self Spite within the point of me maintaining my Lie, and my excuse and justification as to “why I am not able to apply myself”

Why I do not have enough time.

Why I am too tired.

Why I have worked already hard enough.

Why I can’t.

Another point that was mentioned in chat was the point of “wanting what others have” I see how this point exists within me as a form of jealousy towards others and the lives they have, and how I use this as a reason and justification to not apply myself, where this is an aspect contained in that Hesitation point  when faced with a transcendence point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I first must have certain conditions met in my life before I am able to apply myself effectively within my process of self change and doing what is best for all.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that this “belief” that “I must first have certain conditions met in my life before I am able to apply myself” is in fact a “Want” that is based on Self Interest and Spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and make the statement that my life is not set up effectively for me to be able to apply myself within and as self change, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my process and my application of self change by believing that I first must have certain conditions and parameters met in my life before I will be able to be consistent in my application of self change and thus really change me, and I forgive myself for not realizing that these conditions and parameters are in essence self imposed limitations I have placed and are thus excuses and justifications for me to not change, because if I really wanted to change, I would simply will it, no matter what.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the point of applying myself “no matter what”

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see all of my self imposed limitations and excuses I place and allow as me which can been seen within giving up and not applying myself even though I have not yet met that point within myself where there is nothing more I can do, and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take myself to that point where “there is nothing more I can do” but that I always stop short of this, and come up with some excuse and limitation as to why I am unable to change, or go any further, not realizing that this is a form of self spite, as what else would one call the point of denying self access to life through by ones own self will and decision, when there is always something that can in fact be done as Self Support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to leave many many many stones unturned as the indication of how I much I have limited myself when I am faced with points of resistance where, instead of breathing and walking through such resistances consistently within the understanding of why I am doing so as a point of Walking what is best for all, and transforming myself to stand within and as that which is actually life, I deliberately ignore all of the possibilities which are before me as the stones yet to turn over as possible solutions or ways I could test to support myself through walking through what ever points I am facing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that there is always a way, showing me that if participate with the point that “its to much” and “I cannot do it” that I have in fact given in to the mind as Self Imposed Limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first check to see what everybody else has and does and exist as, and what their life is like where in I compare myself and my life with theirs as a point of pre-occupation to “wanting” instead of giving up this entire point of “wanting” and changing my starting point to unconditional giving at all times as the foundation for my application of self.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that when I face resistance it is the point where the only way through must be an unconditional giving of self and that if I give in to resistance I am making the statement that I am unwilling to give as who I am but that I first must have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align my self will and self direction to first having to receive before I give. Instead of always working with unconditional giving as myself and my starting point consideration within my direction of me within my process of self change and self support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always first look for “what will I get” from the directions/roads I walk instead of rather always remaining Here within a point of unconditional giving of self and stopping this entire construct/design of only moving/directing myself to get a reward which I see realize is still saturated as who I am, regardless of if I claim that “Money does not motivate me” as I realize that my reward at this stage is “Energy” as “Experience of Self” and that I am still completely controlled and directed by this point of only ever moving/directing myself in relation to  out comes of certain/ specific Energetic Experiences as Reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place all of my desires, wants and needs, in the forefront of my living and use these as my guideline to living and that within this, still have made myself believe that I am existing within a process of self change, where I see if I had actually made the decision to change myself, there would be nothing I would want, desire, need, in return as my decision would be unconditional, and thus have no conditions attached as something I need, want, must have in return.

I commit myself to through writing, self forgiveness, and self correction application remove myself of all my wants, needs, and desires as conditions I must have met before I apply myself, and to walk myself to the point where I no more give power to my wants, needs, and desires, but learn how to actually live unconditionally and within this, do what is best for all as my living expression in every moment as an unconditional application of myself.

I commit myself to investigating ALL the roads I walk/live as direction I take and to see where and how and why I walk such roads from the perspective of identifying what Reward I will actually get from it, and to thus investigate this point of “The Reward System” to see how I have in fact designed myself in the image and likeness of Rewards instead of unconditional giving of myself, and have thus furthermore Not dared to give up my existence of rewards to walk a path that is best for all which I see is based on Unconditional Giving of Self where the Reward as how I have currently accepted and allowed will no more be a part of the equation.

I commit myself to exploring all my roads and paths and networks to see the “pot of gold” at the end of each one, and in this expose ALL DIRECTION I take to attempt to get this “pot of gold” as reward as energetic experience as I see that this is not aligned with what is best for all and the development of a being that honour and respect life within a principle of what is best for all but is only concerned with self interest as only “what rewards I can get” as energetic experience.

I commit myself to understanding why I hesitate in moments of opportunity to change myself instead of doing that which I know supports me and is best for all, and thus I commit myself understanding why I have not developed an application of myself that exist without a doubt in the image and likeness of self change, but that I have rather stopped myself and have not been willing to change which I have supported through consistently hesitating when facing doorways of transcendence.

I commit myself to investigate stopping my existence and application of only walking through those doorways with a reward as energetic experience on the other side and rather develop myself to walk/stand/direct myself unconditionally as a giving of myself in a way that is best for all, and thus to walk / direct myself through doorways as the point of my movement is not more “what reward can I get” but an unconditional giving of myself as possible self support and support within the context / principle of what is best for all.

 

I commit myself investigating and understanding why every decision I have ever made to change has not been real, and thus I have never yet made a permanent decision to change myself that I will walk into eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist making decisions that I walk into eternity because that imply that I will have to really change, and thus have obviously not yet been willing to do this(change).

I commit myself to re-aligning myself within and as the Nature of my practical application, and my Self Will to be that of Unconditionality in all ways. Realizing that within this, I stop placing conditions as wants, needs, desires, as a Reward that I Receive as particular Energetic Experience of myself in relation to how, and why and where I apply myself but instead Apply Myself Unconditionally as an Expression of Self Giving, In ways that Support Life within Equality and Oneness and What is Best For ALL so to bring forth an existence that is a reflection of Unconditional Giving Instead of First wanting mine then if there is something left over, than maybe I will give you a piece.

Featured Desteni Artist – Kelly Posey

Journey to Life Blog: http://humanitysjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-34-breath-is-secret-to-listening.html

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/user/kellyposey

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/KellyPosey

 

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