Anti-Social Behaviour Patterns – An Artists Journey to Life: day 47

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself where I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as antisocial and so when ever I see myself living this point of being antisocial where in I deliberately avoid people, I judge myself and see myself as doing something based in fear, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from facing this point by sleeping or doing something else where I do not have to face this point of me being antisocial as the idea or perception that others might get of me based on how I spend my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a form of fear towards seeing my roommates because I judge myself as being anti-social and in this fear that my roommates will take offence to my anti-social behaviour and so hide myself from placing myself in the situation where I have to face/see my roommates at all, so that I do not have to face this point of what they think about me, or what they think I think about them and in turn thus form an idea about me that might be negative and so I just stay in my room and try not to make a sound so as to not make my roommates question how I spend my time or what I am doing as being anti-social.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a party pooper where my presence destroy the “atmosphere” of having a good time, particularly with regards to “how I spend my time” as that being “not one to socialize like a ‘normal person’” and so in this just want to remove myself from the equation and so reduce my movements of myself so that I am not seen or herd so I can attempt to make it seem as if I am not even home or around because then I will not cause any rift in the “normal ongoings” of things with regards to how people normally spend there time within socializing or having a good time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have failed or let down my roommates in the expectations that they might have had about me about being someone who would simply participate and interact like they do, and so within fearing letting my roommates expectations of me down, I reduce my movements and restrict my movements so to make it seem like I am not even around so that I do not cause any friction as being not aligned or the antithesis of how they express themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep because this is a valid reason or excuse that my roommates might accept as the reason why I did not come out and socialize where there expectations of me would still remain intact and thus no friction would be caused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear causing friction with towards my roommates and so within this, just reduce myself to staying in my room and not coming out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with this behaviour of staying in my room and not coming out because I do not want to face interacting with my roommates, and also thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this such behaviour which is have pin-pointed as a self compromising and limiting behaviour that I is based /founded in fear of people, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to direct me and direct my behaviour and movements where within fear I will reduce myself to staying in my room and making as little amount of noise as possible to the point of actually going to sleep so as to not have to face seeing my roommates and facing my own shame of myself for “staying in my room” and not coming out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame within myself for staying in my room or when I cross that moment as that line where I see that I have entered into the acceptance and allowance of avoiding people and thus being directed by fear where in I start to reduce and restrict my movements to just my room so as to avoid facing/seeing my roommates.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to not ever come out of my room and face seeing/interacting with my new roommates, especially facing that point of where eventually have to return to my room as the point where I flee to my safety zone so as to not have to face them any longer or interact with them where I can just be safe and be relaxed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and create ideas and perceptions in my back-chat about what my roommates think and perceive about me by imagining in my mind them talking to each other or them thinking within themselves things about me and judgements about me for ‘staying in my room’ and to thus fear that this is true that they actually think this about me, and so just avoid going and facing them after so much time as passed where I perceive that they might start to generate such perceptions and ideas of me, and so once a certain amount of time as passed where these such perceptions start coming up within me about what they think about me, I then go into fear and in this fear stay in room and not come out so as to not have to face these possible ideas and perceptions that I have created within my own back-chat about what they might think/perceive about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself through then reducing myself to sleeping when It is even not necessary to sleep so that I can just shut out this entire whole experience where in I find if I can just get to a point where they eventually leave or it becomes night then I am again safe and thus have another opportunity to make sure that next time my interactions are more aligned with the expectations that I perceive they have of me as being more social or interactive like a normal person because I don’t want them to feel offended by my participation where they take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my responsibility to make sure that everyone around me is ok and not taking offence or taking personally what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others taking personally my actions and behaviours as being “because of them” because then this might cause conflict which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my behaviour or participation of me of just keeping to myself where I perceive this as a bad thing, an unnormal thing and a self dishonest thing, and that I am supposed to be more interactive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my fear of people where I will then attempt to justify this fear by simply defining myself as “anti-social” when in fact, I am just afraid of people and fear the conflict that might emerge in relation to the coming together of “who they are” in relation to “who I am” which may be in conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give onto my self developed “fear of people” by and through going into the application of reducing my movements and containing myself in my room and even going to sleep so that I do not have to face this inner conflict within myself that comes up when I see/realize that I am participating with this behaviour of reducing/limiting/constricting my movements as my self expression due to fear of people, and thus am ultimately avoiding the point of interacting with people/ my roommates.

I commit myself to through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, uncover the reasons/reason, source of why and how I have developed/designed such behaviours as myself and continue to accept and allow myself to be directed by them instead of standing up, and changing this behaviour which I see realize is a behaviour designed within the context of fear instead of self expression and acceptance and embracing others as myself.

I commit myself to through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application change my living behaviour to stand within the image and likeness of equality and oneness and loving thy neighbour as thy self where I become a living example of how to interact with other life in a supportive way.

I commit myself to through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application change my behaviour pattern of “staying in my room due to fear” and “avoiding people due to fear” that has become quite extensive and to so stop accepting and allowing the living out of this behaviour pattern as myself because I can see that it is based in fear and the how I have designed myself in separation from others, and is not based on equality and ones and equal life living as loving thy neighbour as thyself, and is thus a behaviour that support the mind as the separation of myself from others and just exiting in my own ego in separation from other egos, living and existing in fear and self judgement of myself and others.

I commit myself to through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application explore and expose the real nature of this behaviour so I am able to assist and support myself to uncover all the of the relationships that have lead to/ accumulated / make up such a behaviour that I have become as myself so that I can forgive it and take it apart and no more accept and allow myself to exist in this such behaviour as I see that is in fact self limited and does not support me to become a more effective expression that suppot what is best of all, but has only supported the myself as limitation and self diminishment, with me trapping me in and giving my power away to fear and pre-programming based in self interest instead of the interest of all.

I commit myself to through writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective application come to clarity within myself on this point so that I can no more accept and allow myself to exist in such self abusive self restrictive behaviour and thus through developing absolute clarity and understanding around/on this point and all the intricate networks and relationships and points that make this behaviour up,  transform myself within this behaviour to stop living this out and thus correct myself and develop a new pattern of  Self Expression to replace the old, A New pattern based in Self Support that Support me in my transformation of birthing myself as life from the physical in becoming an expression of life that support life in all ways as who I am as life support through and through.

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2 thoughts on “Anti-Social Behaviour Patterns – An Artists Journey to Life: day 47

  1. “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame within myself for staying in my room or when I cross that moment as that line where I see that I have entered into the acceptance and allowance of avoiding people and thus being directed by fear where in I start to reduce and restrict my movements to just my room so as to avoid facing/seeing my roommates.”

    I have faced this point for the past 2 years and the truth is each time I know whenever I am deliberately avoiding them and when I am not. I have been then directing myself to come out even if they are all in the kitchen, which is what I would deliberately avoid in order to not have to interact ith them, real mind bs. It took me a while to become directive in such moments, takes major disclosure of the backchat and a constant self-application to go out if you require to go out and also remain in without judging yourself for it – it’s all about ‘who you are’ in such moments that makes the dishonesty or not – meaning as in remaining ‘in your room’ out of fears and prejudices or out of actually not requiring to go out.

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